Dread ahead

Lovely busy few days, but I am exhausted. I seem to have no reserve energy at all. Just walking around tires me out. Its very frustrating. My eyes are still watering all the time-  this is a side effect, together with nose bleeds and my tender fingers and toes. Still what can be done?? Nothing apparently but I am told these will go after I have completed the treatment.  Such is the joy of chemo. Last one on Thursday. I do however feel very apprehensive, because the Fatigue will only get worse before it gets better. And I cant help wondering how long it will take to get over it. I already feel as if I have no blood in my veins just water, so the prospect of having to go through it one last time fills me with dread. Anyhow enough with moaning it has to be done. So roll on Thursday and to hell with it!!

Last night of the Proms tonight. Am having a bottle of champers as I listen.This is also another marker for me. Summer is definately over and Autumn is on its way. Actually it is, we have a lot of windy weather approaching, a hurricane from America. We shall have to batten done the hatches.

Saw a lovely picture last night of a meteor going past the Glastonbury Tor- how special is that ?....

Domestic Goddess

Been really busy making Picallili and Damson Jam. Seems funny preserving things - you have to assume you are gonna be around to eat them. I do enjoy doing it and lets face it I have time this year. Plus its therapy. It gets me off my butt and doing something. However I should be spending more time on my various projects. This is becoming harder as I am counting down the days to next Thursday, and I am finding that I am busy getting out and about. I think this is because I know I shall be confined to barracks for at least another week once I have it. So you find you do have to catch up with practical things and also spend quality time with friends while you can actually enjoy it. Still LAST ONE!!!

Am going over to Matlock tomorrow to visit John and get my Transcendental Meditation checked so that shall be a nice day. And today I am going to the Odssy center for a Reiki session which I shall enjoy. So you see, no time for work.

I do feel that something is occurring.  Some of my Soul sisters are deffinately blossoming and expanding their healing energies. Its great to witness thier confidence growing and growing. I cant wait to see where this shall lead us, its going to be a great journey- I know .....

Autumn- mellow fruitfulness

Had a great evening with Colette and Christian, its always lovely to catch up. Then yesterday we went to Louth for lunch and had a good look around. I am feeling a bit stronger now although I seem to have developed weepy eyes. They've been like it on and off for a while but now it is a permanent problem. It s most annoying and is making my eyes sore. I have no idea why its happening and it plays havoc with my 'slap', plus it makes me look like a right Muppet. My nose its also ungoing some sort of internal cleansing as it is still bleeding, and now seems to alternate between being totally bunged up and running like a tap. I guess these symptoms are just the taxodare finishing off any mucus producing membranes that got left behind last time. My fingers and toes are still tender plus I have noticed my nails have become discoloured and weak. Apart from that I am Hunky Dory !!!!

Real stormy weather today so have decided to make quiche to freeze and make a start on my picallilly.We have a glut of veg and the plum tree is full. The season has changed and it is a time for gathering and storing and preparing for the long Winter ahead. Autumn is generally a time for reflection and this for me really is. I have learnt so much this SOL. About Spiritual matters, Cancer, Chemo, but more importantly about myself. My own strengths and weaknesses,. It does seem appropriate that my Chemo is coming to and end, like Summer and that I shall enter my Autumn of treatment, in which I am given a rest and time to prepare and store my resources ready for the final onslaught of Radiotherapy in November. Then hopefully I shall have the Celebration of the winter Solstice followed by Christmas. I would like to enter 2012 knowing I am clear of this Bugger. That would really give me something to celebrate !!!.....

Sunday, Sunday

Soo tired after yesterday. Keiran wouldnt take no for an answer so we ended up cutting the hedge and trimming back a few bushes. I was'nt much help and Keiran is a man mountain, but I did a bit. I can feel it this morning, so have retired to my shed with the Sunday magazines, and I shall rest a while.
 I have a rather large Ulcer on the side of my tongue, just where I had the last one, which is a nuisance to say the least, and a nose that keeps bleeding slightly. The nose thing is new, although last time it bled a little. This time round its bleeding a bit more. Hopefully it will stop soon as we are going round to Colette's and Christian's for dinner and I dont want to put everyone off thier food. Ah the joys of Chemo. Only one more to go though. That thought keeps me going. 1 month from now that stage of my life shall be over and I cant wait.........

Nice warm Saturday

What a nice day, the weathers really warm, last night was too. We stayed out in the shed till 9.30 and it was still a very balmy night. I think one of the warmest so far this year.  Keirans here and bust mowing the lawn. After lunch he wants to cut our hedge which I agree needs cutting, but as its only me to help I,m not sure its such a good idea. I shall try and talk him out of it. Just been admiring my new Winter hat that I got from Brigg market the other day. Its all furry and Russian looking, it will keep my baldy napper nich and toasty when the weather changes. The nice man I bought if from also let me have a little lilac beanie hat for £1 because he felt sorry for me. Hadnt thought about exploiting my situation and am now seeing a missed opportunity.  So sitting here trying to decide if I need anything and how best to succeed in exploitation. Actually I,m only joking. The last thing I want is someone showing me pity couldnt stand that. 
The other day I posted a comment on a facebook site called ' Cancer Sucks' and the response has been hilarious. Typical Americans, all saying they will pray for me and one advising a visit to www. thewatchtower.com ha! cant wait to email back to break the news that any spiritual support I need comes from either the Buddist or Hindu tradition. What is it with Americans they are so over the top. Anyhow not going to look at that page anymore as its full of poeple saying the cancers come back or someone is dying from Chemo - gloom gloom. I suppose if you have lived through this hell the last thing you are going to do is bother to post good news on a cancer site. No you run a mile from it and get on with your life. If however you find yourself back in it the mire you look for support from others in the same situation. I have to consider this with my website as the last thing I want is for it to be miserable.......

Out and About

Had a great day yesterday getting out and about in my car. Went to Brigg, then to Grimsby and ended up in the shop. Saw a few of my nice customers and caught up a bit on the gossip. It felt really good to be normal again. Bit knackered when I eventually got home but it was a nice knackered. Hopefully I shall have a good couple of weeks before the 15th. It means I can get a few things done that need doing but I run out of time.

Having lunch with Michelle today- which I,m looking forward too, then Keirans over tomorrow, so can catch up with him. Hopefully catch up with Collette next week. Feel I havnt seen my friends for so long , it will be good to meet up with them all. I do hope to arrange an 'end of treatment' party at some point, so we can all get together again.  Hopefully we shall have something to celebrate.

I,m Out

Ok one week to the day and I'm going out !!! Cant say I'm 100% but feel I have enough energy to drive over to Brigg.  It will do me good. Glad to say no other nasty symptoms have appeared, just mind numbing fatigue. Oh how I hate that word. I only use it cos thats the medical description. FATIGUE even the word itself is unattractive ( I think its the FAT in it). Anyhow I reckon 1 full week of Fatigue is quite enough for this round. I shall take it easy and take my time, but I am going out there. Even the thought of freedom makes me Fatigued !!

Got a lunch date tomorrow, then Keirans over on Saturday so got to pull myself together. You wouldnt think it would be sooo bloody hard. Anyhow got my sense of humour back which is also a good sign. I have to say here and now that if this bugger comes back there is no way I am doing Chemo ever again. I think once is enough for anybody. I,m not complaining because hopefully this has saved my life BUT not again. My body feels bloated, baggy, dry, knackered, hairless( which is mostly a plus) heavy, fat and old!! I have no idea how I am to get any level of fitness back. I shall need double doses of Botox plus umteen fillers to fill the dry lines that have planted themselves on my face. Anyhow thats for the future, just now I have to get my arse into gear and put some slap on and head out into the big old world ............