What a Bitch

Hello everyone- I am back in the land of the living. Having had awful joint pains - like someone knocking nails in my ankle's and knees and having a brain that was pratically paralysed, I am pleased to announce IT HAS PASSED !! Yipppeee now the only way is UP!! I am finally being released from this 3 weekly HELL.

I am making a fuss about this because I had an appointment today with Ms Spensley the Radiotherapy person. What a Cow !!! You may remember that Dr Butt the Oncologist has said that this lady would not be happy that we had booked a holiday. Well she wasnt.  We didnt get off to a good start because when she asked how I found the chemo and I laughed- she made the comment that my laugh sounded hysterical ( I didnt think so but hey, Chemo brain). I found this rather a strange comment but ignored it and carried on saying it had been very hard but I was relieved to be finished etc etc, and concluded by saying I was really looking forward to my holiday. Her face changed and she asked when was it for and where and when had we booked it. I gave her all the details and she literally spat at me - who said you could have this holiday?? I said well everyone told me I would have to wait 5-6 weeks for radiotherapy and it would be ok - she then spat- who said that?? I then said everyone else knew about it and they were all cool,what was the problem?? She literally leered at me and said ' you have a grade 3 triple negative ( dont like the negative bit) aggresive cancer, this is serious' I said yes I know its serious, I ve just been through months of hell, Dr Butt said I dont have Cancer anymore, Jenny Smith my consultant said a holiday would do me good. Everyone said I would have time between the treatments to have a holiday so I booked one. Well she went off on one saying its her job to organise the radiotherapy and no one else should be giving me wrong info. I said they need to speak to each other and decide the time scales and tell the patient in good time, as all the Macmillan info says ' they will accomodate holidays around the treatment' She practically called me a liar, had a go at Dennis who asked whether the delay would effect my treatment, saying she couldnt confirm that. She even told me I would have to have 4 weeks of treatment- I queried it because I was told 3. She let rip again. Eventually she realised it would only be 3 weeks and at least apologised for that. She then calmed down a bit and asked if I would be prepared to have the radiotherapy before my holiday. If we started right away it could be done. Dennis seemed to think this would be a good idea and before I knew it she was on the phone to Hull to see if it was possible. Now I do applaud her for that, but whilst she was holding she said the treatment would give me more fatigue, that I wouldnt be able to swim on holiday and that my breast would probably peel and be too sore to wear a bra.   That said, Hull confirmed they could fit me in. Hurry she said- tell me know whilst I'm on the phone- are you going to do it.  I looked at her and I said No thank you. There is no point in my going on the holiday in that state- I may as well forget it. But I am not going to do that because I have had enough for now. I will have a rest go on holiday and commence radiotherapy on my return and take my chance - thank you very much!!When seput the phone down I said that she and all the other departments should get together and decide the procedures, write them down and hand to patients when they are first diagnosed- if it is decided there should be no holidays tell them at that point, not wait until it too late. But for now I would take my chance as I need to get away from all the treatments for a bit and if the cancer comes back it comes back. Wow talk about being treated like a child. I will also add that somewhere in the conversation she asked if I had any other medical conditions, if there was breast cancer in the family, if I smoked or drank. When I said no to everything but drinking she askd how much - I said oh loads though cut down through Chemo. She then went on to say there was a deffinate link to cancer and alcohol. I then said yes but apparently the fact that I'm under 5'6" should help outway that ( recent research found ladies over 5'6" were more at risk). Now I know I was being a bit pissy at that, but it was like if I had said yes to any of the other questions she would have blaimed those. I am not looking for a reason- never have. Its irelevant. Why waste energy on asking the why's and where for's??  Nobody knows for sure. All I know is that I am not going to put myself through misery and hell asking these sorts of questions. Nor am I going to give up living.  When I got out I ran into Barbara my breast nurse, apparently Ms Spensley has a reputation. When I told Barbara about the holiday she didnt seem concerned at all, she said she couldnt see the problem. I think this lady has a problem and I do feel inclined to complain about her behaviour, but Ill think on that.   Now back to living-  wheres that bottle of champers ...........

Chemo Fog - last one !!

Well, didnt get out of bed until 11.15am  today, having had a good night. Now in shed catching up with my busy media life, and then putting my feet up for a restful afternoon. Have recieved first posting on Cancer Community wall, which is nice, but feeling the responsibilty. Am determined not to post ' I will pray for you' or anything of that nature. Preferring to inspire people do something and make the most of the situation without getting too bogged down with praying. I personally think people should use this time to reflect and plan the rest of thier lives. However long or short, and lets face it some lives are very short. Better a short life full of quality than a long one bogged down with regret. Thats just my opinion.
As I type this I am looking down at my legs and have noticed A HAIR on my shin. Just the one but its about 1/4 of an inch long !! In fact on closer inspection theres more than one !! OMG is this the start of becoming hairy again ??  At the moment it is effecting my right leg only, but I guess the left one will catch up in due course. You see how quickly everything tries to return to normal?? Anyhow not too bad  in the Fog yet. But a few more days before I can safely feel I'm out of it for good

I am Safe !!

Had a really really good sleep last night, so have woke up with that hung over feeling you get from sleeping deeply but feel I have caught up a bit on the night before.

Last chemo went ok. Canula inserted on second attempt. They warned me it would hurt as they had to stick in right in the side of my wrist ( the only place they could find another vein.) Thankfully it worked. Although I have to question wether it was the fact that my bra was stuffed with smoky quartz and the Mica that Emma sent to me that got my body ready to accept. It does seem strange that the only time it went badly was when I forgot to use them. Well only the Universe knows the answer, but whatever it was I was very thankful. I am also very thankful thet I have had no side effects whilst the Taxidere was being inserted. The lady that has been along the same treatment as me went into some kind of toxic shock again yesterday and they had to stop the treatment and give her oxygen as she couldnt breathe and went an awful colour. After a rest they started it again and it was going ok when I left. But it just shows again how lucky I have been so far. But is it luck ?, or is it that I feel supported and nutured by a far greater energy that is guiding me through this and helping me. So far I have listened to and followed the guidance provided and somehow I am getting through. I do fundamentely believe that the Universe has everthing in order ( whatever it may be ) and that I am safe. There is no need for to push forward at the moment. My job right now is to rest in the nature of myself, heal  and prepare for the next task the Universe presents me with............ trouble is I cant wait !!

Oh what a night !!

Steriods kept me awake last night. I was in the office at 3 am doing my new facebook page- cancer community. And I hope to follow very shortly with a social network page complete with forum and sale items!!  Still I have been putting it off for ages as I couldnt decide on a name and then in the middle of last night in it popped. Just had to get up then and create it. You see everything in our world begins as a thought and then we create our reality. Think about it. Everything we have or use began just as a thought in one persons head.  You do it all the time, even your dinner begins as a thought. Just ask and it is given, Cosmic Ordering- try it.

Last chemo today hurrah. Not looking forward to canula insertion as it took 3 attempts to get blood yesterday. But knowledge that this is the last time shall steel me in readiness. Am so knackered after last night I shall probably fall asleep anyhow.

Then just a matter of time to see what delights it has in store for me. Hopefully not too many suprises and then ONWARDS AND UPWARDS !!!...

Thank god I am not alone

 Had a great day yesterday- my Reiki session threw up some rather interesting stuff, I suddenly found myself speeding down a gilded vaulted tunnel towards a big gold door. David ( my Reiki therapist)  and I both came to the conclusion that the door represented my future, or metaphysically in buddist traditions the door represents the third eye, so it could be interpreted that I am ready to open psychically. Bizarre really as I keep getting told that. Also a very dear friend sent me a crystal that is of the Mica family and according to my Crystal bible Mica opens you up to spirit. So been told twice in one day.

Then last night I rang a local company and the owner answered. I had seen her about a month ago in the Macmillan suite and obviously we both had no previous idea of our conditions until then.  Before we got down to business I thought I would enquire how she was. At this she burst into tears and told me that it was terminal and that she was not feeling very well. She was on her own so I asked her if she wanted company, but her daughter was on her way. She kept apologising but I told her to let it all out and we had a little chat as she cried. Somehow I found this very upsetting and I was still crying as Den came home, I suppose I really could identify with her fears and her pain. If fact just reading this back has made me cry !!! Anyhow I have rung her this morning and she is feeling much better, which has made me feel better to. We have agreed that she can call me anytime she wants and have a cry or a rant or whatever. And that we shall meet up when we both emerge from our chemo fog in about 2 weeks.

Dens day off so a spot of lunch then off  to hospital for blood tests ready for tomorrow- just hope they can find the vein this time !!

I dont have Cancer anymore !!

After waiting an hour in the Macmillan suite yesterday, I eventually got to see Dr Butt my oncologist. Nice man but very difficult to understand him. Anyhow he asked me if the Chemo was better or worse than I thought it would be, I said it had been better. Then he asked if I had any problems I said no. Then he said I didnt need any pills ( as in Hormone treatment) which I already knew. He then said I do not have Cancer anymore. I then told him I was going on holiday in October to which he responded can I change it?? Why I asked ?? Was there a medical reason ?? He then said no but it would interfere with my radiotherapy. I said no it wouldnt as I was told it could take upto 6 weeks between Chemo and Radiotherapy. And anyway as I dont have cancer any longer would a weeks delay make any difference?? He then said ok and that he would send me an appointment to see him in the new year at which point he would discuss when I would get scanned. I said why do I have to wait so long. He then repeated you do not have cancer and at this point you are far better than when I first saw you ( pre Chemo). I could disagree with that.  All in all this took 10 minutes maximum. It cost me £ 3 to park and took over an hour. We could have had that discussion over the telephone!! No wonder the NHS has no money !!
Anyhow its official I dont have Cancer anymore and they obviously dont expect it to come back before the New Year.
 I should get Dr Butt to speak to HSBC's insurance scheme as they put the facts into thier computer yesterday and the computer said 'no' it wouldnt cover me for any Cancer related problems whilst I'm on my holiday. It would cover me for say a car accident, but not for any Cancer related problem. Well thats no problem cos I dont have Cancer anymore - Get it ??

Haha its a funny old life isnt it. Anyhow off to the Odyssey center for Reiki and then a relaxing afternoon in my shed, meditating and reading my lastest book a Compassionate Mind. Its a good life at the moment,will I ever want to work again ??.....

Hospital Week

Got appointment this afternoon with Dr Butt my Oncologist. Apparently you have to see him as you get to the end of chemo. Great that means another hours wait in the Macmillian suite. !!! Then again on Wednesday for blood tests, then hurrah Thursday- bloody last one !! Lets just hope my veins respond favourably this time and dont go into spasm or try to hide deep inside my body. Not that I'm stressing about it already ??!! Have a load of questions for the Dr this time. Last time I really didnt ask anything ( it was like why ask and stress, just take it as it comes). This time with Chemo nearly behind me I shall be asking more about my cancer type, prognosis, recovery etc. I feel it is now important to face the bugger properly. Though I am slightly apprehensive about what I might hear.

Still feeling quite weak I have to say. Den and I went shopping yesterday afternoon, and I was exhausted. Just walking around Tesco. How pathetic is that ?? Am concerned about the toll this last one will take on me. Last time I slept and slept. So discounting the next week and a half as I assume it will be much the same. I just hope this weakness goes quickly after the chemo leaves my body as I have loads I want/need to do.  Anyhow that is in the lap of the Universe, theres not much I can do just settle down and ride the storm. Have contacted HSBC who supply my travel insurance, to declare whats happened. Thier computers are down and am waiting for a call back.  This will put thier service to the test, if they will not insure me I shall downgrade my account as I am paying £12 pm for this facility, I may even transfer all my accounts to another bank. We'l wait and see ....