Home Alone

Have been left on my own !! Dennis obviously feels I can look after myself and has gone down to Norfolk for the night to visit his Mother. With my blessing of course, but he has been panicking about leaving me- I think he is worried that I might relapse if left on my own. Funny isnt it. I am quite happy to be here on my own- lets face it I,m not brilliant company at the moment. I can listen to the radio, meditate, do Reiki on myself, have a long bath, watch a film, all kinds of things without having to hold a conversation with anyone for 24 hours- bliss.
I am feeling better today, although not as good as I had hoped. Although thankfully no sign of the dreaded Thrush for which I am exceedingly grateful
Its just that I still feel really knackered, no energy. My arms ache just typing this. I keep waiting for the switch, which when it happens occurs very suddenly. One minute I feel like shit the next I feel completely energised. I am going to dedicate the afternoon to meditation and visualisation on that subject it in hope it will bring it on. I need to get my life back for a couple of weeks before the final flattening one. Come on Universe give me the energy......

Sleepy Tuesday

I should be working on my webpage but my brains still numb. It is improving and we went to the supermarket this morning and I bought a bottle of Cidre ( this is always a good sign). However I am still really tired. Keep having to lie down and close my eyes. I am still optimistic that this one is not as bad as the last one and that I will improve dramatically tomorrow. If I could just get over this mind blowing fatique I will have cracked it.  Am looking at booking more courses including one to enable me to teach meditation which I shall enjoy doing. Trouble is with all the hospital appointments, radiotherapy etc I seem to have a busy calender- no time to be sick!
Just found out that Grimsby hospital will give me free parking in future- typical as I have nearly finished there, but hey its good news for others in the same boat. Because they are always late in the Macmillan Suite you always end up paying at least £3 for parking and then you have to attend for blood checks etc. It all adds up and if people are on sick pay its must be a great strain on thier finances. So about time Grimsby. Now all we need is for the Humber Bridge to give concessions on Tolls for visits to Castlehill for Radiotherapy and that would also be a great help.  Anyhow politcal rant over- need to lie down and close my eyes .......

Bank Holiday

Am enjoying being able to use my pc in my shed, its so much nicer than being indoors. Hoping that I am coming out of the smog now. Went to bed last night at 8pm and didnt get up till 9am, just couldnt stop sleeping, but this one is not so painful as the last one, some pains but no where near as bad - at least not yet. Although fingers and toes are getting  sensitive and my mouth is disgusting.  Hopefully I can pull round quickly now and get back to almost normal and have a couple of good weeks.
Its really funny because some of my hair is coming back. I have a fuzz on the top of my head thats like a very fine baby hair, but my temples are still bare. Anyhow am glad of the fuzz because my head is getting really cold now the weathers cooling down. I have a little woolly hat that Den keeps laughing at ( ok so it looks like a tea cosy) but no kidding I had to wear it in bed last night as my baldy napper was frozen. I am such a style icon eh ??  Sex on legs !! haha.  Anyhow heres to the last bank holiday of the summer enjoy and raise a glass to me and my countdown to September 15th ....

Chemo Brain

Well here I am in my shed on my pc. Racked with shooting pains from my knees to my teeth. Yea I know it sounds wierd but this stuff shoots around my body triggering stabbing pains that move continually. Anyhow I'l survive, whatever the bugger throws at me. Just hard coping with Chemo brain as I try and type this my brain keeps misfiring and I have to keep going back to rectify stuff. Anyhow only one more after this, and then a holiday and then radiotherapy and then I hopefully get my life back. My new life that is. Havnt quite decided what that will be but I have many thoughts on the subject. It really does depend on my prognosis, obviously. Anyhow we are at the back end of summer, I always think that August Bank holiday is the last real day of Summer. And I have to admit that for once I am not sorry to see it go, to let go of my Summer of Learning and have time to reflect on my lessions, but I'm not complacent as I still have a lot of work to do. As soon as I get my brain back I intend to start working on my website.  Watch this space and make the most of the Bank holiday !!

Poor little pin cushion me !!!

Bloody Hell - took 5 attempts to get canula in yesterday- again. Apparently my veins go into spasm when they get into them. Whatever !! Only one more dose to go, so I guess I can cope. Feelin ok still, but it was Saturday evening before I started to croak last time, so going all out to install my new computer which means I can now work in my shed, having a 'wireless' connection. So here I am in shed looking out at the rain and writing this. Freedom eh?? Anyhow shall start ASAP on my website- which is going to be dedicated to cancer suffers. Although shall not be medical, there are already loads of them scaring people shitless- just looking at the practical side of things and giving tips on getting started on this journey. I also intend that there shall be forums as it is important for sufferers to be able to communicate with others. So really it will be dependant on people joining in. I think its great if you can get online and off load 24/7 about things you may not want to discuss with nursing staff or family. To admit you're scared to people in the same boat could be quite carthartic. As will be the black humour which is bound to pop around. There are so many of us out there, all having different experiences, but to be able to share good and bad stuff with people who get where you're coming from is very supportive. It will be dedicated to all types of cancer not just breast. So again will be dependant on poeple loggin on. Anyhow might be crap as never tried to build website let alone add on a forum. But who dares wins - right ?? Anyhow shall keep you all updated on my progress.  So far all the people in the cancer associated world think its a good idea - just hope I can carry it off. No pressure then ???...

One more to go

Had a great evening with Sue imbibing the last alcohol  for a good few days and putting the world to rights. Am at hospital later today to have a meeting with Val the Chemo nurse and then to have my blood tested to ensure I am strong enough to have the Chemo tomorrow. I have to start taking Steriods today which probably means I wont sleep well from tonight. Oh the joys of treatment. Mind you - theres always someone worse off than yourself. Yesterday I heard from Kieran that Graham's brother has been diagnosed with an inoperable cancer and been told to finish work and get his affairs in order. Poor man what a shock that must be, at least Ive had time to adjust and consider my mortality. Just shows that you should never put off doing something that you really want to do, because sometimes you just literally run out of time and you dont want to have to many regrets. I dont have many thats for sure, and when I finish these treatments I am going to make sure I have no regrets for as long as I remain clear of this bugger. So watch out everyone as I only have one more month slowed down by this and then I'm up and running. What am I going to do, I hear you thinking- well just watch this space !!!!!

The countdown

Had a nice morning collecting Damsons from down our lane, so that I can make jam at the weekend, and looking forward to having a Reiki session with David at the Odessey center at 1pm today.  Later round to Sue's for a glass of wine or two. All in all a good day. Its turned rather cold today, quite a change from yesterday - but thats English summer for you. Have taken a chance and booked a holiday to Gran Caneria in October, which will be after chemo and before radiotherapy. Need to check with insurance company that they are happy with this I suppose, although as I dont have cancer anymore cant see it should be a problem, but we all know how akward insurance companies can be.  Intend to buy a new laptop tomorrow as our old pc seems to have died on us, and with our wireless hub status it means I can spend more time in the shed working on my various projects. This will be very important in the next few days as it means I shall be able to access the web while in my Chemo fog, so no need to waste time feeling sorry for myself.  I can get on with my plans.  Cant help but wonder what delights this dose will have for me, but cant wait to get it as only one more after this......