Friday, 22 February 2013

Getting on

Gosh its been ages since my last blog, well over a week. And what a difference a week makes, I feel much better. My wound has almost healed and I have no pain, just a weird sensation across my stomach and around my belly button. My new breast has been no trouble at all ! I keep forgetting that it too has been operated on, it feels quite natural and I am only aware when I hug someone, because now at last it feels soft, whereas before it was rock hard.  So all in all a good recovery.  Its also good to have less stomach, my clothes look better, now I must make an effort not to put on weight.  This is very hard for me especially as I'm getting older. I run to fat very easily. We have been walking as much as we can but at the  moment the weather is so cold that I have given up for a few days in the hope that it will warm up again soon.
I have been working on my meditation course that I am doing in March and also converting my Blog (yes this) into a book. It has been quite a journey as I am re visiting all my Cancer treatments and experiences, some I had forgotten and am now once again reminded of.  However I am finding it interesting to put myself back there particularly at the painful moments. I can write about and how I felt at the time without it effecting me now. Someone said its like women forgetting the pain of childbirth.  I remember exactly how I felt but more as an observer, looking on with detachment. I am a different person I know, I no longer let things get to me. I have a completely different outlook on life and that is deffinately for the better. As for the future, who knows? Short term I shall run my meditation course, then I hope to get back to work proper around April. We hope to get a weeks holiday somewhere hot and then I am returning to Bali in June with Emma. After that I have no plans as yet, but I am sure the Universe will send me off again somewhere, who knows ?

Thursday, 14 February 2013

Happy Valentines

Feeling so much better, my tummy is mending well and I can now laugh, cough and sneeze without pain. Such a relief that it is all over. That said I should go back in to have the 53 year old boob lifted to match and have a nipple created, but have to say at this moment I cannot face anymore surgery. So I am content with what I have. Although I will probably have a tattoo done around both scars. Afterall they tattoo the brown aerolar around the new nipple. I am thinking more of a symbol or a flower though. I send that out to the Universe and see what comes back!!.  Everyday I am feeling stronger and yesterday I drove my car to the Doctors about 5 minutes away and everything was fine, so at least I can be mobile again. And just as I am getting better the sun has at last come out and we are out of the really cold spell for a bit so I can get out walking again. Now I have to slowly and gently build up my fitness. Plans are being made for Bali, it looks as though Emma and I wll be staying on for a few days after the others have gone, so will probably be out there for 3 weeks. This will be a great opportunity for me to once again leave behide my old body and bring the new one home ! Some sort of ceremony shall have to be performed ! And of course I shall recieve healing from the Hindu healers as before,so I am looking forward to that.  Now its onwards and upwards for me. Time to step into the light. In the meantime I have been busy converting this blog into a book, so watch this space .

Wednesday, 6 February 2013


Feeling better daily although obviously its early days. But the fact that I feel so good only one week after my Op I feel is a good sign.  My stomach wound is all scabby as you would expect and I look forward to the time when all that starts to fall off, which should be quite soon.  The only problem I now have is backache, which is basically because I have not been doing anything and laying around. So weather permitting ( its freezing and raining as I type this) I plan to go for a short walk today, which should help.
We had a bit of a crisis yesterday when I took a shower. The dressing covering my belly button started to come off.  Whats the problem with that I hear you say. Well although I am quite happy to look at the wounds on my new breast and the cut across my stomach from hip to hip, I have a problem with the fact that my belly button has been excised from its original surroundings and my newly formed stomach has been stiched into place around it. Nuts I know. Anyhow did bring myself to look at it and actually it looks fine, it certainly feels ok. So I did replace the dressing as thats the only place where I have stitches that have to be removed and they tend to catch. I am very pleased with everything and my recovery. Am meditating daily and doing my usual little practices, so I am in a very good place.
I have an appointment at the hospital on Friday when I assume they will remove my stitches and look forward to getting on the Collagen bed to further aid the healing. Now I can comfortably sit upright I also intend to continue on my book which is making good progress.  And of course continue working on my strenght and fitness. 


Monday, 4 February 2013

Thank the Universe I'm home

OMG what a terrible few days. We got to the hospital at 7 am and I was told my room wasnt ready so was taken into a ward and told to wait. After about 40 mins my consultant turned up and started drawing over my body. Then I was told I would be in theatre in 30 minutes ! So all hell broke loose as the nurses rushed to get me ready. So much for a calming meditation, by the time I got to the anaesthetist my heart was doing cartwheels! I had already warned them about my problem with canulation and they knew that the nurses and a Doctor had already tried to get blood and failed that morning so they were prepared with an ultrasound machine. So one of them located a suitable vein on my arm and the other inserted the canular. There he said all done, now lets put in the anaesthetic and off you go. Feeling sleepy? he asked. No I said. Ok give a few moments. Feeling sleepy? No I said. Ok he said Ille inject some more that will do it.By now I was feeling uneasy. In the past as soon as the liquid gets inside me I,m off. But even when he injected the second lot nothing happened. I was still wide awake and by now panicking. What the hell was going on. What if they couldnt knock me out. What if they knocked me out and then I woke up in the middle of the Op? Oh christ I said what are you going to do now? Dont let me wake up in the middle of everything. So someone stuck the oxygen mask over my face and the next thing I knew I was in the recovery room. Operation over they transferred me back to my own room on the ward. I was in a lot of pain and as I had rejected the usual morphine pump they were unable to offer me anything else. I was sick whilst I was on my own so it went everywhere and as they were trying to clean me up I suddenly had the sensation of being strangled. I put my hands upto my neck and felt something hard sticking to it. It was the canular ! Unable to find a suitable vein in my arms the Anaesthetists had put it into my neck and so  for the next two days I had intravenious drips and antiboitics fed through that. That first night was a very long one.  My air mattress failed so I was transferred first onto a normal mattress and then back onto another air mattress when it arrived. The pain of each transfer was huge as they had to push me onto my side and then drag me across from one mattress to another using a board.  They had me on hourly observations which meant I had no chance to sleep off the anesthetic, I had taken my ipod so I spent the night listening to Ani Choylin Drolma and tibetan buddists chants to Sangle Menhla the Blue medicine Buddha. And I invoked all my spiritual helpers and Reiki and then gave myself up to the Universe to take charge. By the morning I was exhausted but beginning to feel a little better although still in a lot of pain. As the sickness had passed I was at last allowed pain killers which made me feel a little more comfortable. My Surgeon arrived and announced that the Op had been a complete success and that it had completed it in record time. Crikey I said does that mean you couldnt do a good job?  Oh no he said, he felt it was one of his best ever and that he finished it quickly becuase there were no complications. He was able to locate all the blood vessles needed to supply the moved tissue and that the vessels were in such good condition they were easy to join.  So how come you say my blood vessels are in good condition but no-one can canulate or take blood from me. Apparently the Chemo only effects superfiscial shallow veins, the ones that really count are OK.  He said he had no doubt that I would make a quick and good recovery as it was clear that I was a very positive person and with that off he went.
I spent two whole days in bed catherterised, which I found really uncomfortable, and with three drains dribbling gore from my insides into plastic bags attached to the bed. The second day was our 21st wedding aniversary, what a way to spend it !  They decided that I should get up and the first attempt was awful. Having untied all the various collecting bags from the bed they got me to sit up. This was no mean feat as the pain involved was awful, not helped by the fact that my left arm was badly swollen and sore from all the anesthetic still swilling around inside the tissue. then very gently I stood up and walked three paces to a chair, once sat I became nausious and very clammy. Got tunnel vision and thought I would faint. Very quickly they manhandled me back into bed. Feeling very disappointed they told me that a lot of patients dont even make it to the chair on the first attempt and that the next time would be better. And it was, by the fourth day I was able to walk unaided to have lunch in the day room. Oh yes havnt mentioned the food. Only one word ' disqusting'. Dennis saved the day by going to the supermarket on his way in and getting me fresh salad, otherwise I would not have eaten anything.  Each morning a young doctor would come into the ward to check on everyones progress. As it was nearing the time for me to leave he decided I should have a blood test. I said to him you are joking, you wait until the canular has been removed and then decide that you need a blood test.?  I told him it would be impossible as no one at the hospital had been able to take my blood only whilst unconsious. He took no notice and a little while later a nurse arrived looking nervious. He said he would have one attempt, and of course went away empty handed. Then later in the afternoon two female doctors arrived. I have to say their bedside manner was awful and rude. After several failed attempts I told them to leave me alone. That night during visiting hours the doctor himself came back and said he would try.  He said in all his years of practice he had not failed to get blood. I wished him luck and said I would bet him £ 50 that he would not suceed.  He tried several times on my arm and hand. He then asked if he could try my foot. Now I have had a canular inserted into my foot when I was rushed into hospital when my Chemo took all my white blood cells and that was one of the most painful things I have had. So I said he could only try if he freezed it first. So minutes later part of my foot duly frozen he started his exploration. Needless to say 30 minutes later he announced he had to give up ! I told him I reckoned he owed me at least £750 which he duly ignored. He then said he would be back in the morning to take blood from my groin. I said no I didnt think I would let him. He said it would be very dangerous to send me home not knowing if I was aneamic. I said I didnt feel aneamic and anyway couldnt tell by my eyes or my gums? .  That night I was quite upset. I felt as though I had been taken advantage of, it was like a personal violation.  One of the nurses came in and I vented it to her. She was brilliant, an ear when you really need one. She reminded me that nothing can be done without my consent and with that, feeling better, we shared some chocolate and had a good laugh. Thats proper nursing for you!.  The next morning the Doctor arrived and said he had discussed it with his Boss and no blood would be taken. I replied ' Good'  as you would not have been given the chance'. I should say that it has been explained to me that one of the only areas left to get blood is my groin. And there are only so many attempts that can be made there, that is really should be left only for emergencies. Later when my consultant arrived he was horrified and gave me his personal apology. He said all they needed to do was to give him a call and he could have told them that I lost very little blood during the Op and therefore it could be assumed that there was no threat of anemia !  I still feel very annoyed about the whole episode, I was punctured at least 30 times that afternoon to no avail. Each attempt is in the least uncomfortable and often as they are jabbing around inside your hand or arm quite painful. What if I was a timid or elderly person, how far would they have gone?
Anyhow I returned home on  Saturday, sore and very tired. Spent Saturday night in bed catching up on sleep. On Sunday Michelle and Colette came around, after they left I was back in bed for 7.30 . Today I feel better although my stomach feels really bloated am hoping that once I finish all the medications that will improve. As for my body, well my new booby puts my old one to shame, all firm and high. I have no pain from it and my right shoulder feels so much better I already have an improvement in movement. My stomach is cut from hip to hip, it is still sore but getting less each day. My strenght is returning. So all in all a good result.