Tuesday, 28 June 2011

Day 6 post Chemo

Tongue showing some slight improvement but feeling a bit sickly still today, perhaps I will embrace the Steriods next time. At this point you wonder if you will ever feel completely well again. But I did last time so am confident that these problems will pass. Was able to eat a bit more last evening so that should help. Only one more dose of FEC to go- thank god and then back into the unknown. I keep looking at my garden being overtaken with weeds but dont feel in the least bit inclined to do anything about it.

Anyhow have found a course to learn to teach meditation so that is now on my to -do list and  having our wood burning stove installed today- at least we were until the man installing it has found problems with the existing chimney liner - which means a new one has to be fitted and that will not be compliant with the stove I have choosen- so no wood burner today. Have to go back to the shop and choose a new one- bloody hell.

Den is at the shop trying to rid it of flying Ant infestation, all in all a good day - NOT !!

Monday, 27 June 2011

Thrush - not the birdie type

Bloody Hell, had second dose of FEC without steriods and all seemed to be going well. Felt much better for not taking them, although I was sick on Thursday evening. Friday felt really ok and thought thats it Ive cracked it, then Sat morning woke up with a mouth like a camels armpit. OMG the inside was all slimy and my tongue was swollen and covered with a thick white film. I knew immediately this was Oral Thrush, they warn you this might happen. What to do, its Saturday, my Docs arnt open. So I ring the hospital to see it theres a preparatory thing you can buy at a pharmacy, you know like Canasten, but for the mouth. Apparently not, so they advised me to go to a walk in doctors surgery in Grimsby. After an hour sitting in a room full of people coughing and being sick into sick bowls ( and dont forget they told me not to expose myself to any risk of infection ), I was seen and given a prescription. The stuff they gave me has to be squirted on the tongue and held in the mouth for a few minutes, yuk. On Saturday night I put it on directly after brushing my teeth and it must have caused a chemical reaction as it all seemed to froth in my mouth causing me to be very sick all over again.  Today theres not a great deal of improvement, they have advised to give it one more day and then go to my Docs for a pill that you can take. This is all very well but I dont do feelin like crap very well, I was fully expecting to be feeling really good by this morning. I am very dissapointed. It is incredibly hot too, I think the hottest day of the year so far and I shall be sitting in my shed reading and feeling sorry for my self. Ah well only one more dose of FEC and then on to the delights and pleasures awaiting me with the next one called ' Taxoter'. I cant wait !!! ....

Wednesday, 22 June 2011

Solstice ?

Well Dennis made me a nice fire in my fire pit thingy outside my shed and at 11pm on Monday evening  I snuggled down in my little bed in my shed ready to greet the dawn. At 1.30am I awoke, shone the torch around the garden hoping to see some wildlife - but there was none. Went back to sleep and woke up around 3am, still no sign of any visitors. I was still awake at 4am when the birds started singing REALLY loudly. At 4.30 I greeted the dawn and took myself up to my bed and fell exhausted into it. So all in all a bit of a wasted exercise, I am really not cut out for staying up all night, I really like my bed.

Back to hospital today for pre chemo blood test and a meeting with the nurse in charge of chemo, just to discuss any issues or stuff that may have arisen from my first treatment. So I am going to find out if I really have to take those dreaded steriods. I am convinced that they caused my depression last time and although it ony lasted a couple of days I didnt like it at all.In fact I am (as you know by now) not looking forward to tomorrow. I know I have to do it, but the thought of feeling dreadful and helpless/ hopeless  for a few days is not really me. Anyhow - Keep Calm and Carry On girl you know it could have been a lot worse. Stop your sniffling and bloody well get on with it.  To cheer myself up I am off to the shop to top up my collagen levels and to work on my head tan. More later .....

Sunday, 19 June 2011

Countdown to Solstice

Did a stint in the shop yesterday- assisting Dennis. It was good to be back, but feel a bit knackered today. Had a sunbed ( in order to get a tan on my bald head ) Chemo has apparently NOT made me sensitive to the sun hurrah !! To recover I shall take  it easy in my shed with a good book on meditation. Am looking forward to staying out in my shed on Monday ready for the solstice at dawn on Tuesday, although the weather forecast is not good, however that shall not dampen my spirits. I shall greet the dawn and pretend I am at Stonehenge and follow it with a Transendental  meditiation in order to unite with the cosmic conciousness.  Wow I hear you all saying- she's lost it completely now. But let me tell you meditation has always been a source of great strenght to me and especially now, it keeps me sane and calm. You all should try it some time.

Am getting quite adventurous with my headdress's and must say much better than hair. Takes a few minutes in the morning to arrange and then fab for the rest of the day. No more tussling in the mirror everytime you go to the loo, or fretting in the wind. I tell you girls this is the answer to our prayers. I havnt worn my wig yet, but guess I will keep it for special going out occassions.

Counting down to 2nd chemo session on Thursday - not lookimg forward to it. But am working on changing my thinking  - looking at it as the elixir of life instead of poison. This I am struggling with, but I know its got to be done. Am having a meeting with the nurse in charge of chemo on Wednesday, will have a few suggestions for the new chemo suite just being started on. Dont suppose they will go for them, like handing out smoky quartz as an natural anti oxidant. Offering Reiki sessions afterwards to help with the emotional trauma and meditation sessions before hand to prepare patients. Needless to say I shall be protected upto the hilt this time. Smoky Quartz shall be positioned all over my body, and the morning shall be devoted to meditation and visualisation. I shall not be hit by the negativity this time, I wont allow it. Ah well off to the shed.......

Friday, 17 June 2011

Baldness Totality

Well I'm bald as a coote !! After having a ' number 3' over my head, it was still falling out only smaller bits. So yesterday I had a good idea- why dont I put hair remover over the rest and get rid of it. So I did with the help of Dennis ( he had to smear the back of my head) . I sat there for about 10 minutes letting it get smellier and smellier and eventually started to scrap it off along with the remainder of my hair. It got most off but I had loads of little tuffs all over- it looked so funny. In the end we resorted to a razor, Den got his shaving foam and off he went scrapping over my scalp removing the patches.  It was bizarre, I said to him who'd have thought a year ago you would have been shaving my head today ?? We were like a couple of kids laughing at the madness of it all.

Anyhow its amazing how your head feels without hair, its quite liberating. I an getting quite adventurous with my scarfs- thanks to Angie's tutorial. I went round Tesco's with a rather lovely two tone turban I had created and got a few looks- especially from this older couple, luckily as you all know I dont have a problem being a bit different. I am comfy in my own skin. I thank the Universe for my confidence as it will certainly help me get through all this. And I dont take myself too seriously. Suprisingly I had a conversation with a friend who was concerned that having a bald head would upset me, they were concerned that I might be bottling it all up. I was upset that they thought this of me, I told them to get a life...........

Wednesday, 15 June 2011

Hair today - gone today

Well its happening, my hair is falling out - little bits at the moment, but not prolonging the agony. Have called Angela and getting head shaved at 6 pm this evening. Baldness totality is now a reality !!!  Its funny reallly cos I noticed it last evening whilst having a shower and its all over, hurrah no more leg shaving for the summer !!!

We went to Scunthorpe yesterday and ordered a mutli fuel fire for the lounge to replace our current gas fire which is broken and was crap anyway, so now we are on the hunt for a wood supplier, it will be great on long Winter nights. The cats will love it I'm sure.

My two Scottish friends have anounced on facebook that they have completed the circle around Mnt Kaliash in Tibet and are on their way to Everest base camp. I am happy and envious of them as I was hoping to do Mnt Kaliash too. However Dennis and  have promised ourselves we will get there - not this year - maybe next. I am sending this out to the Universe and we are already planning how we will do it. When shall come later. Anyhow I shall post a pic of my new head - so you 'lle have somthing to look forward too. Fancy that me an egghead .......

Monday, 13 June 2011

Perfect Day

Had a great day yesterday, Michelle came over and took me to lunch to a village in the wolds. There was a charming little shop that sold all kinds of ' crafty/ country' type items ( and we did what all good girls do and helped the local economy) and a really nice lunch at the local pub. I even managed a glass of wine ( drought over) and one when I got home!! The weather was crap but it didnt matter, we had a lovely chat and catch up and we shall do it again !!

The electrictions are here today finally electrifying my shed- hurrah which means I can now start on my project to write down my thoughts etc on the laptop out there.

I do mean to contact Tesco and tell them their £8 gel bra's are ideal for people like me. They have gel inserts in both cups and if you take out the gel pad in the good side and double up on the small side, you insert pads into a specially made little pocket - hey presto. A lovely comfy sexy cleavage with plenty of support.  Job done !! Thank you Tesco you have succeeded where M & S and BHS have failed and at a fraction of the price JOB DONE !!

It looks like its gonna rain really heavy now but better weather is on its way, which is good news, I want to be able to get a few decent walks in this week as next week will be taken up with pre Chemo things as next Thursday is second dose Chemo day- YUK

Friday, 10 June 2011

Hurrah its Raining

As I type this we have lovely steady rain, just what we need as this morning it was announced that our area is officially suffering from drought. I'm suffering from drought as I find I have gone completely off alcohol. I know this takes a lot of believing ( I can hear all my friends going NOOOO ) but its true. I did manage a few glasses of fizz on my birthday but thats it. Ive also gone off meat of any sort and tomatoes. They warned me that my tastes would change with the Chemo and its true. I now cannot get enough of Fried Eggs, Fish, Strawberries, Cherries, Grapes- in fact any kinda sour flavour fruit. Its bizarre. I find myself dreaming of Eggs fried crispy brown on the bottom and soft and gooey yokes ready to dip toast into, oh even now my mouth is watering at the thought- I am becoming obsessed. From an everyday point of view I feel completely back to normal healthwise so thats a brilliant thing. I now have two weeks of freedom before I face the next dose, so wondering what I should do with myself. Am planning a trip to Glastonbury for my next respite in July and to Whitby for the one in August. Doing loads of healing work on myself ( more of that later ) and intend to start putting down some thoughts for the record in a healing type format. Keiron is back tomorrow and am meeting a good friend on Sunday for lunch ( hopefully not roast ). All in all life is good .......
ps Tried to sign up for our local race for life in Cleethorpes AKA Gloria Hunifords appeal  - but they are fully booked - anyone have any ideas how I can get in ??

Wednesday, 8 June 2011

Hurrah 52 today!!!

Not many people would celebrate being 52 I know, but a few weeks back I was wondering if I would make it.  Thats not meant to be depressive but believe me 52 seemed a long way off.  I have had a wonderful day, my friend Sue came over and we had lunch and I was able to enjoy a glass ( or three) of fizz. Dennis bought me a lovely new Buddha who I welcomed to the garden.  I thank the universe that I have been able to come out of my chemo fog after three days of feeling crap. I shall expand on this later.  However I believe I got off lightly as I had no sickness and no lasting side effects just mind numbing fatigue and soul deep despair. However my dark night really lasted no time at all and now I have rallyied round and am back to old self - hurrah.  I know that something out there is helping me through this and trying to give me as easier time as possible and I am soo grateful for that. That said I am not looking forward to the 23rd of June as that is day for 2nd dose. I do however know it has to be, but shall cross that bridge when I come to it.

I have had some wonderful cards and pressies and my shed and garden is enjoying the attention as well as I am. I really do appreciate all the lovely pressie's thank you.

Yesterday I collected my wig from Angela- theres a pic on facebook- however I must learn to put it on straight- or maybe stop pulling it once its on, anyhow I guess I will get the hang of it. Angela was great and gave me a lesson in how to put on a scarf and make it look amazing ( prior to this my one and only attempt had me looking like the queen) and I now cant wait to start experimenting in 'Margo' type adornments. I do however need to lose the hair, Angela did offer to take it off yesterday, and in hindsight I should have let her, afterall baldness totality is only 10 days or so away. So why did I decline ?? Weird aint it, all along I said I would get it shaved before it started to come out and there I was chickening out - bizarre?? Anyhow roll on 53 .....

Monday, 6 June 2011

Fec' sakel

OMG Chemotheraphy sucks !! Firstly when Dennis and I entered the room in which I was to be given this stuff I had no idea I would be sitting nose to tail with loads of others having same treatment. Nor was I prepared for the  negative energy that nearly floored me when I walked in. Everyone sat there like ghosts waiting for the Chemo to enter thier bodies. The nurses looked shattered - mine was doing a 12 hour shift, she was really nice, but you could tell she felt the negativity too.  The process itself was quite slow- 7 syringes full of toxin had to be injected by the nurse into a canular in my arm. It took nearly 2 hours.
I came home feeling more depressed than I have ever since this process started. In fact I was in tears by 8 pm. Then I discovered that the steriods they give you can cause depression and suicide- bloody hell - it had to be something strong to pull me down that low. And three days later I still feel pretty depressed, although I am glad to say that apart from having NO energy whatsoever I have had no other physical effects, apart from a pounding headache the first night. No sickness, just a terrible thirst and dreadful depression. I have an appointment with the nurse in charge before my next dose - which is on 23rd June and I hope I can persuade her that I do not need these steriods. I have spend the last 3 days in a fog, sleeping, reading, meditating and healing and now feel I must attempt to climb out of this pit and start living a little again .......