Nepal here we come

Well its done, we have finally booked our flights to Nepal. We shall go mid Feb and return early March. We will be there for Losar, Tibetan New Year. I am sure that once all the Docs know I'm going they will raise all kinds of reasons why I shouldnt go, particularly that nasty Dr Spensley, who I have an appointment with on 7th Feb. She will definately tell me I shouldnt go. I shall however be ready for her this time. She will not speak to me like she did last time, as I shall just say that we must have a personality clash and that I wish to speak to another Doctor.  I shall be polite. But who cares about that. The good news is we are going. Dennis is really excited - absolutely mad, as he 1. Hates long flights. 2. Hates roughing it. 3.Usually gets a bad stomach. 4. Is car sick 5. Got Bells Palsy on his return last time. And even he cant say why it is that he can suffer all this just to get back. In fact he has been the one pushing to do this. Just like I was the second time. I tell you Nepal has a real effect on people. I have also submitted my second article to a magazine. Would be great to get another one published, but will wait and see. Anyhow having a quiet New Years Eve in, shall go into my shed at midnight and raise a glass to it. And having Kieron and Graham over for lunch on New Years Day. So please have a very Happy 2012 as I fully intend to...

Nan

Aniversary of the death of my Nan. She died in my arms at my home in 1998. Such a shock at the time and it took a few Christmase's to get over it. And of course every 28th Dec is time for remembrance.  She would have been horrified at my diagnosis as I was her baby. I do believe there have been times this year when she was around, keeping a check on me. RIP Nan.

My nails have gotten worse, the blackness has almost grown out but the condition of whats following is awful. They are really dry and they have horizontal ridges running across them like tree circles. The good news is that the new nail coming through looks healthy, but thats going to take months to grow to the ends. My fingertips and toes are still numb- which is quite strange. On a good note though, I feel great. My energy levels have stayed high despite the enormous ammount of food and alcohol I have consummed.  I gave Dennis a Reiki session the other day because I felt my fingers were buzzing. In fact all of me was buzzing. I feel as though certain parts of me have been renewed, and I suppose as Chemo kills off all your cells, they have. ( Cant ascertain which parts feel new as they are inside, hopefully my liver is one of them !)  Spent yesterday working on a new article which I will submit to another magazine, I have got the bug. All in all I am ready to embrace 2012.

Home alone

Well thats it, Christmas is over. Dennis has gone down to Norfolk to visit his mum and I am home alone. Wonderful !! I have work to do- read my new book on hinduism, write another article , chill, watch TV, take a long bath . I think you get it, trouble is I only have two days ( 1 night) in which to revel in this state. And I have house cleaning and ironing to do - pooh. Had a great day with Christian and Collette yesterday, lovely roast beef lunch and great company. Good to catch up with friends over the holiday period- everyone is less stressed and more chilled. Discussed with them all the possiblities of 2012 and now cant wait for it to arrive. I am not normally a new year person, in fact in the past I have felt quite depressed about it, but this year its like, bring it on, hurry up lets get there. Bit scary because on one hand I feel I am wishing my life away. On the other its like wanting to walk- sorry run- towards my new life and get it started, now.
Have decided to get back into Reiki teaching so will start advertising that, and trying to find a venue in which to hold a 'Love Heals' workshop. I shall also do a couple of Dennis's shifts in the shop, which will free him up to do other things. Also looking for new ideas for the shop, so a lot going on under the surface. We will also book flights to Nepal for February and I shall visit Bali with a couple of dear friends sometime in 2012.  I also hope to get a weeks holiday in Turkey with Dennis in June. Whew.. see how busy you get walking on planet C!!

So here it is

Last blog before the big day as I am going to the shop with Dennis tomorrow and we will pop into Cleethorpes for a drink when we close. I have a cold which is annoying and also strange. Its funny feeling ill because of something I have picked up. Lately its been because someone has stuck a needle in my arm. Still not complaining, a little cold wont hurt. I am nearly ready for the big day, just got to clean upstairs. I like the house to be clean and ready too. Not that it really matters as its only  me and Den, but its an old habit.
I am waiting for the kitchen company to arrive. They want to take a picture of my kitchen to show potential customers. Well it does look good. Then a quick clean and then ?? Dont know what to do with the rest of my day. Will have to think about that. Suppose I should go out and get the Christmas feeling. Ah time was when this was all a big rush. Funny how times change eh?
Anyway I would take this opportunity to say a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS to you all and heres hoping we all have a great 2012 !!!

The morning after

Ohh to much champers last night ( can you ever have too much). Good company with friends time passes so quickly. Actually I am starting with a cold, my throat is sore and my sinius's feel full. Great.  Shall have a lazy day to try and recover quickly. Am thinking of getting my hair dyed pink. I quite fancy that, and keeping it short. Only thing is you are supposed to wait for 6 months before putting a chemical dye on it. Why ? I dont really know. Shall get on the internet to try and find out. I mean what could possibly happen? Would it fall out, again?
I shall endeavour to find out and will keep you informed.
Christmas is just around the corner Den and I are planning a quiet one and Boxing day will be spent with Christian and Colette. Then Den is off down to Norfolk to visit his mum who is getting confused and is probably spending her last Christmas in her home. Sad.  Anyhow I have a couple of ideas to keep me entertained while he' s away- like planning what to do next. Updating my website, stuff like that. We should also book our flights to Nepal, afterall we are planning to go mid Feb.....

Happy winter solstice - 365 days and counting

Well its here 21/12/11 one more year to the Mayan prophecy and who knows what if anything will happen. I like to have a party on the shortest day of the year and so tonight four of my freinds are coming round for a meal and copius drinking to celebrate, the house shall be ablaze with light inside and out to welcome the start of longer days to come. Before they arrive I shall light my Goddess candle that was lite from a candle in Nepal on my first trip, from the Goddess temple in Glastonbury. Lovely!

I had a real good chat with David at the Odyssey center yesterday and one of the many subjects we spoke of was the perpetual worry that the BUGGER might come back. Apparently it is a syndrome called Damocles Syndrome ( as in the sword of) so at least I know have a label that I can hang it on. I suppose I am lucky in that I can openly discuss this with Dennis, David and some of my freinds. I guess a lot of people are not able to express these concerns - and we all know what happens with suppressed feelings!!

Anyhow on a more interesting note; I feel amazing. I am bursting with energy. Not so much the physical, although I have much more than before the big C. But its more than that, I guess its spiritual energy. I feel I am bouncing off the walls. According to David this is very unusual. I should still be feeling quite tired following all the treatments I have had.  I feel that I have to get on and do somthing. I have asked the Universe to point the way, so shall keep you informed! In the meantime plans are forging ahead with Nepal trip and also the trip to Bali is manifesting as we speak. Come on 2012- lets get started .......

Welcome back synchronicities

Had a great weekend. Yesterday we went to a carol service in Broughton- which we try and go to every year and then as we were out that way we popped into the shop of a woman we met at the Odyssey center lunch. She stocks all kinds of alternative products from incense to crystals and clothes. We got talking and it turns out she knows loads of local people who are into all kinds of therapies and workshops and healing. She told me about an event held locally in August each year where all kinds of alternative things happen. She then asked me if I would be prepared to give a talk at this event. Never one to say no, I of course said I would be interested.  She was very interested in my Love Heals workshops and of my Reiki classes, so I am thinking that the Universe has decided its time to pick myself up and get back into the saddle so to speak. Its funny because I had a conversation with it about a week ago and said that if it was still interested in me it ought to start showing me a way forward and bingo, lots of potential new avenues to explore.  Great stuff this cosmic ordering.
I have been reading my friend Emma's journal on Bali - www.persoots.co.uk and I cant wait to go, the whole thing sounds amazing and I cant wait to see what Hindu spirit decides to possess me, whichever one it is I sincerely hope it chases any trace of the big C right out of my body, that is if the Universe decides it is the right and proper thing to do. Anyhow I reckon it will be a fantastic journey. In the meantime we still have the Nepal trip to finalise and I can hardly wait for that to happen.  So heres to a great 2012 !!

I,m Published !!!

OMG such an exciting day. We arrived at the Reeds Hotel for the Odyssey Christmas lunch. You may recall I was not looking forward to that, worried that I should not enjoy being in a room with ' Cancer' sufferers. But on arrival I was greeted by the staff congratulating me on my article which had been printed in the More to Life magazine !!  I had submitted the article in July, but had not heard anything so assumed ( wrongly) that they had over looked me. Imagine how delighted I felt to see my article in print. How synchronistic also that an appeal for the Odyssey Center is featured in the same magazine, in fact without that I would never have known I had been printed.  I was also interviewed by the Scunthorpe Evening News about my experience of the center and they took my picture ( not so sure I want that printed). I felt like a mini celebratory by the time I sat down to my lunch. It was FAB. In fact the whole afternoon was very pleasant. If you want to read the article you can sign up for a digital version FOC at www.moretolifemag.co.uk have  read and see what you think- its called ' It began in Nepal'

Christmas Trimmings

Kitchen is completed at last and I am updating this from my new island. The only problem is, having done the kitchen, the rest of the house looks shabby. We deffinately need to paint the lounge next. Dennis is putting on a brave face but I know that he's hoping I change my mind !!
He helped me to colour my hair this morning. I managed to find some natural dye that only needed to stay on for 45 mins, so now I am sporting a redish brown tint on my half inch hair. It was quite funny trying to instruct him on how to apply the dye, but he was pretty good.  We laughed that last time he helped was to remove my falling out hair, and now he's helping my dye it because its growing back. So again the circle has completed.
We went out yesterday and got the Christmas tree. We had such a struggle trying to put it in the holder thingy, but eventually we managed and I got it decorated before we went out for out supper in Cleethorpes.
Its funny but every year as I get out my Christmas trimmings I always reflect on the past year and when I take them down I ponder the year ahead.  Little did my ponderings last year include any of what has happened. And this year as I was decorating I couldnt help but wonder if I shall be taking them out again next year, and I know by how Dennis is that he is thinking the same. But thats walking on planet C for you. Bastard Cancer!!
Tonight I am having a meal with Michelle which I am looking forward to and tomorrow we are attending the Odyssey Christmas lunch at the Reeds hotel. How will I feel being back in a room with other cancer sufferers- I'le let you know.

Into the unknown

Busy weekend, Kieran came over on Saturday and helped me put all the stuff back into my new kitchen, and then we put up our outside Christmas lights. Yesterday Dennis painted my Welsh dresser cream to fit in with the new look. Lets say it now looks distressed !!

Am trying to get information on a meditation teachers course being held next week. Its something that I would like to do as I have found meditation so helpful. It would be really fun to be able to pass on the ability to others, and another string to my bow ! I am aware that I need to pick myself up and get back to living normally, I just have to decide which road I am to take. At present I would like to be able to teach 'Love Heals', Reiki and of course Meditation. I just really need a venue that I could use. I shall put it out to the Universe and see what it comes back with. As for my other therapies, again its a hard one because I would need a space, having converted mine at the shop back into a sunbed room. And I dont want to commit to full time so renting a room would not work either.  So again I send that out to the Universe. Ah the excitement of the unknown.
Off later for a Reiki session at the Odyssey center with David, looking forward to that.

Waiting, waiting. Waiting for the kitchen to get finished, waiting to get our holiday booked, waiting to get ready for Christmas. Patience has never been my strong point. Den is home today and we are going off to Brigg garden center as I want to wander around the Christmas dept, ( Den can have a coffee whilst I'm wandering).  Plus its gets us out of the house, its difficult to get anything done at the moment.  Then tonight as its a pain cooking we are going into Cleethorpes for something to eat.  The kitchen should be finished by Friday- hurray !!

Had a Botox top-up last night so should be frown free for Christmas, which will be a good thing, not that I have anything to frown about. Except the news today has pissed me off. Apparently I have Breast Cancer because I'm overwieght, and drink ( both true), although no-one has mentioned the ammount of hormones I have imbibed over the years, or the ammount of chemicals from foods or cleaning products, or the ammount of stress I have had in the past. No - lets blame it on the wieght and the booze, there my fault. Bastard Cancer !!

Hi ho its off to work we go

Fed up with camping in the Utility room. At last however the kitchen is taking shape and I get to see if all the bits Ive chosen actually go together. So far it appears that they do, however will postpone judgement until I see the finished product.
Spend yesterday morning in the shop- on my own, first time since April. Took the opportunity to trim it up for Christmas.  Enjoyed it although got a little bit fed up with the 'inspirational' thing from customers. I know they are wishing me well and it would be odd if they didnt say anything, but over and over again gets a little wearing. I tried to explain that I'm not brave, inspirational etc, just doing what I had to do to get through. And that I'm filled with cowardice at the thought of it coming back. Anyhow I guess the attention will pass after a couple of weeks of people getting used to me being around again. My very short hair doesnt help as it serves to remind people of where Ive been, again that will lessen as it grows. On that subject, I should say that it is still really soft and baby like. Colour wise its hard to decide as the hair itself looks quite grey, but the overall impression is of dark hair, really weird. Guess I'lle have to just wait a bit longer to see the end product. Had a chat with an old friend yesterday on the telephone. After enquiring about my treatment they launched into a poor me poor me, I,m depressed saga. Now I'm not wanting to be mean, and I know I,ve had my moaning moments, but I just couldnt have that conversation with them. I felt that if I got started on thier favourite subject I might just give them a piece of my mind. For years I have listened, tried to be supportive, but now I find I have no patience left on that subject. I just wanted to say ' its about time you got off your arse and pulled yourself together',  that is a bit mean isnt it ??

Lost another one

God I,m knackered. Nearly finished painting my kitchen, but decided to give up and let Den help me finish tomorrow. Not bad considering I only completed radiotherapy last week. Thankfully no signs of soreness or fatigue. I'm tired but I would be anyway having been painting for 3 days !!  I,ve been working in between the workmen to get the painting done on the basis its better to paint now than after and risk splashing my new cupboards.  Mad I know but I felt I needed to 'do' somthing. Hopefully the kitchen will be completed by end of next week and I can concentrate on more important things like my Christmas party.

Obituary in the local paper today about a 54 yr old woman who has died of Breast cancer. It said she had been diagnosed 3 years earlier, had op, chemo and radiotherapy. Then it came back appearing in her hips and back.  They told her she had 3 years, however she had a siezure and they discovered it had also attacked her brain. She died soon after. Fucking Cancer, I hate it.  There were loads of comments about how positive she was, how she laughed all the way,and how she ' battled ' the bastard. However not intending to take anything away from this lady, I would like to point out that there's nothing like a life threatening disease to make you see how laughable life is. You do start to see the humour in everything and how unimportant things that used to wind you are actually are.  As for' battling', you dont have any choice, you,ve got to say 'Fuck This' and make the best of everything. Its not ' battling' the bastard its surviving for as long as you can. I hate the words, battling, inspirational, brave etc. We're not really, we are just trying to live our lives as fully as we can, whilst we can. Dying is something that we shall all do, this just brings that reality a little closer. Its the living bit thats important making the most of what time we have left...

Bon Voyage

Kitchen floor is halfway tiled hurray, it doesnt take much these days to make me happy. Poor Den has been using his afternoons off the get the ceiling painted and I have been painting the walls, a little at a time. We havnt finished but plan to attack it again on Sunday.  Lets hope the rest of the installation goes ok.  Its a bit of a bummer as I am tied to the house for most of the week, waiting for plumbers electricians etc. But its an excuse to get some other work done which I have been putting off. Including clearing the leaves from my garden, and gives me time to plan our Nepalese trip.  Although once the kitchen is finished I shall be running around madly trying to get some Christmas shopping done.
One of my dear friends, Emma, has recently returned from a trip to Bali, which she found to be a very profound spiritual journey- check her webpage www.persoots.com. She wants to go back and has asked if I and some other friends would like to accompany her next May/ June.  I sent out to the Universe that I wanted to travel a lot next year, so far I had only got Nepal ( and maybe Eygpt) and now suddenly I have a wonderful opportunity to experience what Emma has in Bali, with her and possibly other good friends. What a result, the Universe has provided !! Now all I want is for it to provide me good health and funding, not much of an ask is it ???....

Chaos

Why oh why did I decide to get my kitchen done, and why did I decide to do it before Christmas?? I must be mad. The joiner turned up at 7.30 - we were just out of bed. He helped Den to move our Welsh Dresser in preparation for the tiler. When Den took up a bit of carpet we had in one side of our kitchen there was vinyl underneath- and it was stuck to the floor!!! A mad half hour commenced as poor Dennis tried to prise this stuff off. Eventually the joiner got stuck in too and between them managed to get it off. Then the tiler turned up and for the last couple of hours has been removing the floor tiles - which has been a noisy and dusty process. He has now got to do the wall tiles !! We have also found out that the actual floor tiles are not getting delivered until tomorrow. On a positive note the joiner has sad he will be back next Monday to start his work so hopefully everything will be completed by end of next week. We must be completely bonkers !! I am working from the dinning room which is quite nice as its a room we dont use much and I like it, it makes a change to be in here.
I am busy buying Christmas presents on line, as it appears that I shall be here for the festivities. Left it just in case I could cop out but have now decided to bite the bullet and get started !! 
Got a shock yesterday - decided to look in the magnifying mirror with my glasses on - really to check out my fillers, when I realised my eyebrows have grown back with a vengeance. OMG I looked like Ivan the Terrible, they were about an inch thick!! I am hoping that they put on a monsterous growth spurt overnight and that I have not been walking around with them scaring people. So a huge plucking session was called for which was very painful. I do think however I shall need to call on professional help......

Mystic Bronia

What a great day I had yesterday, with Simon Goodfellow on his mediumship for beginners course. It was amazing. Really nice group of people- no nutters ( if you know what I mean) and a really relaxed space. I amazed myself with my physic abilities. As you will probably know I am sceptic by nature and logical so hearing myself coming out with ' stuff'' about people in photo's in envelopes and whilst holding an item that belongs to someone else, dead or alive, was pretty freaky. And I was pretty good even if I do say so myself!!
It was also great to be doing something normal ( if you can call it that) and getting back into the environment that I enjoy, it seemed such a long time ago that I was able to do that. Having said that I,m a little tired today which is not good as Dennis has to man the shop and we have a couple of guys arriving tomorrow to start work on our kitchen. So I am having to move bits out in readiness. Good thing we have a Utility room because that we serve as our kitchen for the next few days. Who's mad idea was it to get the work done before Christmas !!??

Its over

Thank God my treatment is over!! Yippee Hurrah. Cant believe its been going on since March. Now just some follow up appointments, one with the infamous Dr Spensley in 6 weeks and then the Oncologist in January.  And the wait.  The wait to see if I am rid of the devil that invaded my body. It could lurk unseen for weeks, months, years. The Bastard. I have won the battle but not the war. That will rage on, mostly through terrorism, every time I get an ache or a pain I shall be wondering. It will terrorise on a regular basis I suspect, always watching waiting and lurking ready to seize the opportunity to instigate conflict, to inflict terror.

I guess the only one that can control that is me. We are only victims if we allow ourselves to be. It is true that terrorism is in the minds of the perceived victims. It works to break the spirit and the will in an effort to gain power.

One of my friends gave me a slab of concrete when this all started with the words, ' Keep Calm and Carry On'  I guess that now becomes my new Mantra.

On a lighter note and in the spirit of my new found health I had my Botox and fillers done yesterday and have to say look much improved ( counter- terrorism). And to propel myself forward I am attending a beginners class in mediumship tomorrow. It will be great to get back into the saddle so to speak and marks the new beginning quite well I think....

Off the Deep end

Met up with Christian and Colette yesterday - newly back from base camp Nepal. They brought me back some lovely Nepalese gifts including some prayer flags to replenish my existing ones which are looking a little windswept. It was great to hear their experiences.
Had a great day out in Hull. Den came with me for my radiotherapy and then we went into Hull to do a bit of shopping. I like Lush products and made a beeline for the shop. When you go in they immediately jump on you and start to tell you stuff you already know. It puts me off and if they are not careful I will just say ' Boring' and walk out. Anyhow this particular one obviously realised I was getting to the 'B' part and cleverly left me alone. One of the productsI wanted was CACA ( french for shit) which is their Henna product. Henna is a natural hair dye- I am not allowed to use chemical dye for 6 months. If anyone knows why please tell me. Anyhow I went over to the checkout with my Henna and asked how much of the slab I needed to use.  Her colleague asked a very pertinent question. How long is the hair. I answered by removing my furry fur trappers hat. OMG you should have seen their faces, it was classic. I loved it !! Dennis wished he knew what I was going to do as he would have taken the picture which we could have posted here. Unfortunately you will just have to use your imagination. !!
After that and a nice pub lunch we went to the Deep. Brilliant, went a few years back and always wanted to go again. I love that there is just a bit of glass between you and all those creatures. At one point you feel you can just step off the cliff and be in their with them.
I am knackered now and getting dinner ready. But its a nice knackered instead of ill knackered.
Tomorrow Sue is coming with me. After the radiotherapy we are off to get Botox and Fillers Ha !! that will kick the cancer up the arse, thinking it can rob me of my looks as well as my booby...  then more RT in Beverley. Oh I'm soo lucky

Hairy Mary

What can I say ? Recieved an invite from the NHS ( from Castle Hill ) inviting me for a free breast screen. I have emailed them and politely put them in the picture, ironic isnt it??  Still I'm not suggesting its not a good thing because it is. And three years ago I had one and got the all clear. Shame is its every three years, if it had been two I might have had a different story. But thats Murphy's law or Karma, whatever. It just made me smile.
Anyhow on the last week of radiotherapy and then FREEDOM. I shall not know what to do with myself. Having said that next Monday shall be hectic as I am having my kitchen floor tiled, followed fairly closely by having the rest of the kitchen refitted. Hopefully it shall be completed by 18th Dec as I am having a little midwinter solstice party on 21st as I usually do.
Enjoying my returning eyelashes - celebrated a bit this morning by applying  mascara. They are still only half there but it pleases me to get the old slap on before I leave the house. Its all in my head as no-one else would notice, they are so tiny, but its my head that counts and thats the important bit. As for the rest on my hair thats growing too. My head hair is really fluffy and looks a bit darker although its hard to tell what colour I shall end up with. Annoyingly the hairs on my legs reached monkey status at the weekend and I have had to shave them, as has the fluff on my face. It the light I look really hairy it bizarre....

1 week left

Cant believe that this time next week I will have finished my treatment. At last after 8 months I shall be free. ( I pray)  Mind you I shall be busy with getting this new kitchen in and Christmas shopping and various party type things. So I reckon I wont have much time to think about it till the New Year. Then I shall hopefully be busy making final arrangements to go to Nepal.
I keep saying hopefully because of course there is always the danger of IT coming back. As much as I am not going to dwell on IT, it is still none the less the elephant in the room. I am concerned that IT might spoil my chances of getting back to Nepal, and it cloudes everything. I suppose its like tempting fate. Part of me is scared that if I take the attitude IT has gone forever, then Murphys law takes over. Its like double jeopardy. I told you its a head fuck didnt I ??

Anyhow whatever!!  At least I now have eyelashes that are almost long enough to have mascara on!! And a load of fuzz on my face which looks really funny together with the growing fuzz on my head!!

Gotta get on now and start clearing out some more rubbish. Sorting kitchen stuff in preparation for the new floor coming a week on Monday....

Only 6 more

Getting through Radiotherapy. So far its been fine - no problems. In fact time has gone so quickly since it started and I only have 6 more to go Hurrah !!! Then its over - for the time being. End of treatment, unbelievable.  Brilliant !!

Shall get chucked out of the system until end of January when I have an appointment with the Oncologist. I guess I shall have a scan sometime after that. Not really bothered about getting scanned, I mean if there is something there do you really want to know at that point ?? Anyhow, shall get it done but in no rush.

Den came with me yesterday and we went to Beverley. I had forgotten how nice it is. We had a really good time wandering around the shops before coming home for a rest.
Christmas is just around the corner and I,m having my kitchen refitted before that ( mad I know). Once the Radiotherapy ends I shall be really busy with emptying my cupboards in readiness for that. But we want to have a New Year, New Beginning so felt it would be right to get that all out of the way. I just hope we can get it all done ......

A plan

Madame Butterfly was lovely- such a sad story. Poor girl horribly taken advantage of and killing herself because she has been disowned and dishonoured at 18. How often does that happen now still??

Had a lovely walk on the beach yesterday with Keiron and Graham, it was so still and mild. I am so glad that I can at last go for a decent walk and enjoy it, it was one of the things I really missed being able to do. It makes me feel normal again.

 Michelle came with me to the hospital this morning and we had a good time together chatting about all sorts ( as you do) and we ended up doing a meditation, its always nice to share that with someone.

I am thinking of going back to Nepal in Feb next year. Oh I know about the insurance stuff and everything. But this all started in Nepal and as before I feel I have unfinished business there. Ideally this time we would like to be there for Losa, Tibetian New Year. Which we just missed last year. I also want to visit a Bon monestry in Northern India - Menri where Chongtul Rinpoche comes from. And a school for nuns run by a Nepalese nun outside Kathmandu. As well as revisiting Lumbini and Pokahara and spending more time there. So Universe willing we will get there.  I really do hope I can make it ....

1st week in the bag

Well thats it !! First week completed. Feeling fine so far ( fingers crossed).
All those familiar with the Mayan prophecies will be aware that of the 10ths full moon the countdown to 21/12 begins. So at 11.11am on 11/11/11 I had a meditation, along with a load of other lightworkers. I sent love and universal energy to our planet and to all sentient beings, and to myself. It felt really good to do that.

And now I,m off to lunch with Michelle. We,re off to Tealby, first to do a bit of RT ( retail therapy) and then to the pub for a really nice meal. Tomorrow evening I,m off to Madame Butterfly and out on Sunday for lunch with Keiron and Graham. So a lovely few days ahead. I hope you all have the same...

Pandora's Box

Just back from my third radiotherapy session, all ok still. Only thing is they have moved me onto a different machine as they say it means I wont have to wait too long. Thats not a problem except they have changed my times. Whereas before they were all 9.30 ( easy to remember) now for the next few days they are all over the place and then after that they are all at 9.20!!! Like tomorrow its 10.20, Fri 9.40 and next Tuesday its 8.30 !! Bloody Hell Dennis shall have his work cut out on that day, he'l have to push me out of bed !!

Did a stupid thing on Monday. I decide to google triple negative breast cancer. OMG why did I do that? So far I have managed to avoid scaring myself. Now I have found out that TNC has the most incidences of secondaries of all the cancers, and that they usually occur within 3 years, and it likes brain, liver and bone. On a good note, if you manage to be clear for 5 years the risk of secondaries drops to below that of other breast cancers. Such a stupid thing to do. I promised myself I wouldnt look but its too late now, I have opened Pandora's box and let the demons out. So now I have decided there is deffinatley no way I,m wasting time having reconstructive surgery next year. No sir. And I have to live with my new found knowledge.

This morning during radiotherapy I decided that each time I am zapped I am visualising killing the bastard. I am seeing it as a black slimy mess of little seeds and the radiowave just knocks it out completely, leaving lovely new pink cells. It makes me feel as though I am contributing something and makes me feel better anyway!!

Been a difficult week away as Dens van has blown up and is in the garage. This means that as soon as I get home he has to take my car.  And next doors feral tomcat attacked Polly yesterday and has hurt her foot, so I have to wait for Den to get back so I can take her to the Vets.  Hopefully the van will get fixed soon. Just life, but on top of everything else its a bugger!

On a very happy note I am pleased to announce that my eyelashes have re-appearred. Hurray, this means I can soon coat them with mascara and shall at last feel dressed when I leave the house ....

First Radiotherapy ( 14 to go)

So far so good for radiotherapy. We got there early and had a cup of coffee in the cafe. The radiotherapy staff were lovely. Only problem was that my machine was one of two that packed up this morning, so everyone was having to be moved onto the other four machines. That said I was only about 45 minutes late getting started. My first session took 23 minutes as they had to take some pictures and get my position right. I have to lay on my back on something that looks like a spine board then put my arms over my head and rest them in some cup things that take the weight, turn my face to the left and stay very still. I am very good at staying still so there were no problems.  ( I used the time to meditate) The bed and/ or the machine moves around/ over you, you dont feel a thing. Of course its possible that halfway through the treatments I shall start to feel tender and sore, and maybe tired as my body starts to concentrate on healing the areas that have been burnt. But for now its ok. The hospital is really clean and modern  and I have no complaints on my first visit.

I shall take some rest this afternoon as I have an evening with Sue tonite ( with wine) and have to be up again tomorrow morning for my second dose. I do intend to be careful and as ever listen to my body and do what it tells me. However compared to Chemo this is much more pleasant.

I have retreated from my shed today as the weather is damp and miserable, but yesterday afternoon it was so warm in there I had to have the door open. What a change!

Last hurdle

Well, Halloween and Bonfire night has passed. I always feel that at this point in the year Christmas is just around the corner. And the weather is so mild, long may it last !

Recieved another quote for my kitchen and have decided to go ahead- plan for a future ! Am having to decide this week on tiles and worktops etc so this will keep me busy through my first week of Radiotherapy. Its going to be quite a challenge to get up and into Hull every morning for 3 weeks ( I dont usually get up until 9am, sometimes a bit later) by 9.30. As its my first one tomorrow I have to be there for 9am, but Dennis is coming with me so I will be on time for that one.  I am hoping that all goes well with this and that I dont get too much skin damage, or get the dreaded fatigue back, but alas I shant know this until I get going with it.

Thankfully last evening my big toe nail fell off at last. Whats the big deal I hear you say. Its been disgusting for about 3 months all black and nasty. Its such a relief, although a bit late as its now boot and sock time so it wouldnt have mattered so much. My finger nails on the other hand are a complete mess, one of my thumbs is half black and the others are all coming away halfway down the nail. So I think they will also fall off !! I look like an alien. But I am alive so I am grateful for that.

Sadly on the news yesterday was the story of a six year old boy. He was diagnosed with a brain tumour in 2009. They operated and he had chemo and radiotherapy. He got two all clears on his scans and then the cancer came back and there was nothing they could do. He died last March, wheres the sense it that ?. This is now how I have to live, with a cloud over my head. Even an all clear scan does not mean IT wont come back. I am really trying not to become a bore over this, but it is somthing I have to come to terms with . I am hoping that once radiotherapy is finished, and Christmas, I shall be able to get on with my life. I dont yet know however what thatis going to be. I have several thoughts but nothing specific. My customers keep asking Dennis when I will be back, but it cant be in the shop as I have a new sunbed in my room. It cant be at my house because I dont think people will travel that far. I dont want it to be full time because I want to do more Reiki teaching and 'Love Heals' and get qualified to teach meditation. But then where I am going to do that?......

Bodies on its way back to me

Had a good treatment at the Odyssey center, reflexology which helped my aching feet. Its amazing how your body quickly gets out of condition. My feet are really suffering at the moment, having gone from not being able to do much to walking fast for an hour. Anyhow not complaining, its really nice to start feeling your body is a little more under your control. Honestly its hard to describe how the chemo has such a huge effect - especially towards the end. Not just physically but emotionally,mentally, and spiritually. It completely takes over. Now I feel I am getting ' Bronia' back at last. I am not a ' fade', just me. Warts and all.!

Next step is radiotherapy which starts on Monday. I have to be in Hull for 9.30 every day Monday to Friday for 3 weeks. Then that's it, all over as far as treatment is concerned. Then the waiting starts, to find out if all this misery has been worth it. And I think that is going to be the hardest part of all. A complete mind fuck every time I feel a little unwell or find a swelling.  What can you do? You have to just get over it and make the most of every day, which I fully intend to do. Have started having a bit of a clear out and am going to continue through the house until I have finished, hopefully before Monday.

On a happier note my hair is continuing to sprout through, although its really a baby fuzz. I look really funny, but am happy its on its way as it really does make your head feel cold without it. Still no sign of eyelashes though but hell you cant have everything!!

Holidays

Well thats it for now. Had a great time in Gran Canaria. Weather was 29 degrees most of the time. The hotel was brilliant. Food was delicious. AND I got Cava everyday with breakfast!! What can I say?

On a serious note I did spend time swimming and walking. We walked for at least 1 hour per day. It has helped me feel soo much better. Stronger and fitter despite all the food ( and drink). It was just what we both needed, though I have to say my baldy napper caused some attention around the pool. Kids being kids were all totally fascinated and made no attempts to hide their curiousity- good for them.

However that wont happen again because all that sunshine has given me a fuzz of hair growth, its bizarre. Its all coming through at different speeds, and I think its going to be gray. Now I'm cool about that as long as its gray all over and not all stripy. I would like white as I would enjoy using pinks and blues and purples to colour it. But anyhow I shall just have to wait and see. Whatever comes through I have to put up with it for 6 months- apparently you are not supposed to use dyes. I do wonder if henna is OK. I shall try and find out. The really annoying thing is my legs have grown hairs too. Now that means I have to start shaving, damn it. You see its true- for every up theres a down.   And NO sign of my eyelashes returning. I dont care about the hair, I really want my eyelashes back. Typical isnt it ??

I'm Tittoe'd

The building that houses Oncology and Radiotherapy in Hull is new and quite something. I was seen quite quickly and the staff were all very pleasant. Was asked if I could put both my arms over my head for scan and subseqent radiotherapy sessions. Luckily I can so that creates no problems. They got me into position, they have sort of cups for your hands and arms, put loads of stickers and felt tip lines over my stump and scanned the area. Then they gave me two very small permanent marks that look just like moles which they will use to line me up every time I have radiotherapy. Clever isnt it??

They have told me I shouldnt have to wait too long to get into each session which is a good thing and treatment takes about 20 mins. So hopefully as I have to be there every day at 9.30 I should be out by 10.15 which means getting home by about 10.45. Which means I dont have to lose everyday I will have time left to do other things.

Looking forward to our holiday now.  Spending the rest of the day preparing for it, will be so good to get away and swim and walk along the beach and do normal things. Shall of course update you on our return ......

Hair today

Off to Hull this afternoon to have a scan and permanent tattoo's put on my stump ( tittoo's). The tattoo's are put on by the radiotherapy department - they are very small brown spots, so that they know where to head for when I commence radiotherapy. Should be an interesting experience.

My fingernails are becoming more disgusting by the day. Isnt it weird that theyve only just started going that way, weeks after I have finished chemo? Still, nothing I can do but wait for them to grow out.  Good news is I have some 'fluff' appearing on the top of my head. Not on the sides yet, but on the top. Now I have to wait and see what the colour will be ( at the moment it looks very light ) and what kind of texture I shall end up with.  Its quite interesting to see how my body is changing yet again.

Managed another 50 minute walk yesterday, although my legs and feet ached but did it none the less. Looking forward to walking much more on our holiday, and swimming, both will do me good. Am wanting to get radiotherapy over and done with now. Must be feeling better as I couldnt even think about it before. Just want to complete all these treatments and continue in life. Dennis and I intend to have lots of discussions next week about what I want to do next year. Have lots of thoughts about that but you have to think about practicalities all the time- bloody annoying....

Universal comments

Well yesterday was interesting. Started at the Pink Rose Suite where Barbara ( my breast nurse) was very complementary over the way I handled a call from a recently diagnosed lady, who asked Barbara if she could speak to someone who had been through the process. Then my consultant Jenny Smith was very happy over the way I looked ( she said she found it hard to believe I had recently been in hospital) as  I looked so healthy - another message from the Universe. Was really happy about how my stump had settled, so found no need to inflate it further.She also spoke to me about initial plans for reconstruction. Because of radiotherapy side effects I have to wait at least 6 months before reconstruction can commence. It will be a major op- much bigger than the first op to remove the breast. And recovery will take upto 6 months, although as she said I seem to bounce back quickly from these things so it hopefully wouldnt take that long for me. However I am not convinced that I want to tie myself down to something that will remove me from life for a period of time next year. If I am on borrowed time why would I want to give myself that grief when I could be living my life to the full? Afterall this is just a cosmetic procedure. Anyhow its too soon to make any decision about that, I shall ponder that over the coming months and see how I feel nearer the time.  As I said I feel very confident with my 'stump', it does not prevent me from wearing any of my clothes and next week it shall be on show in a bikini top. There is however a possibility that radiotheraphy may distort it, so I shall just have to wait and see.
They are so good at the Breast clinic that as I was walking out one of the nurses who had been in with us suddenly announced that as I was going abroad next week I ought to have a letter in case I set off the security scanners. Apparently the tissue expander has a metal port which can sometimes be picked up . So to save me from any potential hold up they have given me a letter explaining my metal piece. 

Popped into the shop where all my customers kept saying how well I looked ( Universe worked so hard yesterday)

I also had an appointment to see my GP later in the day as I wanted to ask her if she would give me some anti biotics in case I got an insect bite or injury to my right arm whilst on holiday. She very kindly did and also added the comment about how well I seem to be coping with all this and ' how well I looked' ( Universe). What can I say. I dont feel I am making any effort to deal with this, its just how it is. I have choosen to ' embrace' this rather than be in denial. Accepting a situation is by no means giving up or condoning what is happening, it just saves all that energy that would otherwise be wasted in feeling sorry for yourself or becoming horror of all horrors a Victim !!

Indian Summer

Wonderful sunshine. Am sitting in my shed and its really warm. The sun is shining, its amazing for mid October. Had a good evening with Sue night before last. Loads of catching up.  Had another kitchen company around to give me a quote. God knows how much their quote is going to be. Thing is do I spend the money on a new kitchen or do I blow it on a wonderful trip ? Difficult one that!! Den and I have been talking about our future, well mine I suppose. Thing is I have to accept that whilst I may make a full recovery, it is also quite possible that I may develope a secondary. And whilst it is possible to survive quite a while with a secondary it does shorten your life span and your quality of life. With this very much in mind I am keen to make the most of every day whilst I can. Quite how I want to do this changes quite frequently- which is very frustrating for both of us. I am a bit limited for a time because of my condition for travelling. We both really want to go back to Nepal, I want to go to Egypt.  I want to travel around the UK in a camper van. UK/ Europe travel is OK, but Eastern destinations pose a potential health risk and lack of insurance becomes a problem. I shall have to bite the bullet and call some insurance companies, starting with the ones recommended by Breast Cancer Care. But I'le do that when I start radiotherapy, when I'm resting in the afternoons.

Been looking at my stats on this blog, am amazed to find that I have visits from France, Germay, Malasia, USA, India, Russia, not to mention all the other places that my friends have visited over the summer. Its strange isnt it ? , how small our planet has become. That people on the other side of the world are looking me up to read my mumblings. To them I say a very special ' hello' and thanks for your visit. Its very humbling.

Tomorrow I am getting my stump pumped up - ready to get ' them' out next week in my bikini round the pool. Before that however I have a celebration on Saturday with Colette and Christian which will be fun.......

All's Well

Heck, times just running away with me. I seem to be running out of hours in the day at the moment and I cant figure out how or why. Am feeling much better, fatigue is becoming less and less every day, so I suppose Im doing more than I was. Lots of jobs that need catching up on. Looking forward to our holiday next week. It will be great to get away to some proper sunshine, and to be able to walk along a lovely beach.

Just been looking at my face in the mirror- boy is it crinkled !! I know they warn you that your skin will suffer, but blimey I look like a prune. That is despite all the moisturisers I have applied several times a day in the hope of preventing this.  But if it means my life has been saved I guess its a small price to pay. ( and I can always just double up on Botox and Fillers)

Looking forward to tonight, Sue's coming round for a catch up that will include a little sparkling wine and a lot of chat, Ok got that the wrong way round. I mean a little chat and a lot of sparkling wine !!

Then on Friday I get my stump pumped up again, ready to show off on Saturday night when we,re off celebrating Colette's 40 th !!

All in all ' alls well in my world' - at the moment !!.....

Walk on

What a lovely day, the sun is shining and it is warm out here in my shed. How lucky are we to get this late sunshine? Had a good day yesterday, with a visit to the Odyssey Center for a treatment and then popped into the shop to check up on everything. Which thankfully was ok. Today I am going to plant some winters plants we brought back from Norfolk into some containers for some winter cheer. Have cold in my shoulder and neck ( from throwing off my covers in the night) and its upset my stump, which is also feeling a bit tender. Ah well shall just have to take it easy. ( if I take it any easier I shall grind to a complete stop). Did well on my walk yesterday- did 50 minutes - 2 miles. Felt quite tired at one point and had to have a little rest, but happy with my progress.

Appointments changed for hospital. Hull called to confirm my appointment for Monday and I happened to mention that I was having my stump expanded next Friday - after the scan. They then said the scan needed to be done after the expansion and have changed my appointment to Mon 24th. Why dont these people ask me what other appointments I have. I mean I,m not unusual, lots of women have these expander's and I guess a fair few end up with radiotherapy, so it cant be anything new to them.  They only have to ask the question when they call you initially to arrange. Anyhow lucky for me I mentioned it otherwise would have had a wasted journey on Monday !!

Looked at Breast Cancer Care website yesterday, dont know what possessed me, because now I think I have a secondary, I knew I shouldnt look at those bloody things.....

By the Sea side

What can I say- its been days since my last blog !! I have been in Norfolk - my home county , staying at my brother in laws house near Cromer. My brother in law is on holiday and his and Dens Mum who is 93 was staying at a nursing home whilst Alan was away. So we decided to go down so I could get some beach walking and we could also give May some company whilst she was there.
Had a really good time - the weather was Fab - 20 C - unheard of in October. I finally managed a 1 hour walk on Tuesday ( pathetic I know),  before  ' all this' I wouldnt have thought twice about a 1 hr walk. But this felt quite an achievement. 
Had a lovely meal at Brancaster  White Horse one evening. A great big bowl of proper Norfolk Mussels - yummy, and three glasses of wine !!! It was so funny because on the next table talking REALLY LOUDLY where a group of retired ' posh' people - typical types that holiday in Norfolk. They didnt mean to be but they were very amusing. Just as well really because they drowned out everything else. Totally un PC they were referring to ' Dusky' people and shooting and stuff. Totally unaware of how the whole restuarant were chuckling away. Classic.
Den's mother May was also amusing at times. She gets very confused at times and comes out with stuff that has you trying not to laugh, as she then asks you what you are laughing at !! Then suddenly she changes and becomes totally lucid and starts a conversation about current affairs. Madness !
Anyhow the change and sea air has done me good. I am feeling much better. My thumb nails however have become really discoloured, and the rest on my nails are starting to go the same way. My fingertips are still numb and tingly, which is obviously connected as are my toes and balls of my feet. Its quite bizarre, that this is still occuring weeks after chemo. Am slightly concerned that I may lose my nails, but not worried as theres nothing I can do. Looking forward to my holiday in two weeks. But before then have a pre- radiotherapy scan in Hull on Monday, then an appointment in Grimsby next Friday to increase my tissue expander. Shall feel like a beached whale on holiday- but shall in fact look like Matt Lucas !! Poor Germans- shall they be ready for this .......

Impatient patient

Still feeling tired and worn out- bugger. Cant think theres much improvement yet, which is very frustrating. I feel like my get up and go has gone. I cant be bothered to do anything. House work has gone down the pan. If I walk upstairs I feel like I need to lie on my bed to recover from the strain. Its ridiculous. Den and I went into town today to shop and had a bit of lunch. Was so tired when I got home I  had to lie down to recover. Tomorrow we are going to Chesterfield and then onto Matlock for some transcendental checking. Thankfully Dennis will drive. We have planned to go  to Norfolk at the weekend, to do some beach walking. Cant see much walking happening but hopefully sea air shall do me some good.  This is driving me mad.  Fingers and Toes still feeling very strange and eyes continually running, its embarrassing.  Am sinking vitamins and now have some Actimel in the hope that it can buck me up. Any suggestions would be most welcome, anyone know a solution for this malaise ??

Moan moan

Still feeling pretty knackered. Got to the hospital yesterday for my blood test. Pleased to report the nurse got to the vein on first attempt ( thankfully) . But after that I just had to get home. My energy level sank to nothing.  I dont understand why I feel no improvment. Dennis keeps reminding me its only just over two weeks since last chemo and I had the complication of the infection. Its just that I was so hoping to be up and back into everything, this is such a set back.  I have an appointment at the Odyssey Centre this afternoon, maybe that will help to kick start my recovery. Am also taking a high vitamin supplement with antioxidant in the hope that it will have some effect. I have also planned a trip to Matlock via Chesterfield this Thursday- thankfully Den has changed his day off so he can drive me, otherwise at this stage I would have to cancel. Its so bloody frustrating !! I do not like feeling like this, I am useless at the moment and gettin concerned about how much longer it will last.  Really it is getting too much now.
Physically I have noticed my fingernails have developed brown patches over the last couple of days and my fingertips are numb and tingly at the same time. An obvious sign that the chemo hasnt done with me yet. So why am I moaning, it all makes sense doesnt it. Its all a matter of time.  I just need to pull myself together and stop feeling sorry for myself. Just wish I had the energy !!!

Knackered

Not so much to say today. I am feeling better but still really tired and sleeping like a log at night. Guess I.m still recovering from the infection. Have to go to the hospital today to get my bloods checked- which in view of my vein situation I am not looking forward too. Then a bit of food shopping and if I have any energy left a walk in Cleethorpes with Dennis this afternoon.
Kieran came over yesterday and he and Dennis attacked our front garden and gave it a good tidy. I wandered around handing them things ( which was as much as I could manage ) and then we had a BBQ. Can you imagine a BBQ on 1st October??  The weather has gone mad. Still it was a very nice day.
I am hoping this fatique will wear off soon, that together with my still streaming eyes is starting to really piss me off. I really feel like I cant be bothered to do anything.  And that as you know is  not like me.

Whew

Whew what a scorcher. Am in my shed with curtains across the door keeping out the sun, unbelievable.
Front page of Grimsby Telegraph is reporting on the death of a local women who had been fighting breast cancer for 3 years - it reapearred in her liver. She was 33 and had done loads of fund raising since her diagnosis. What a waste, this fucking disease is so indescriminate. So it appears is the success of the treatments. Its like a lottery. Still you have to be in it to win it !! And I'm deffinately in it. Have a C T scan over in Hull on the 17th October to prepare for the radiotherapy when I get back from my holiday. Before that however is a blood test on Monday to check my progress- which in view of my recent problems I am not looking forward too. Still apart from that I am feeling stronger and much better. Have done a little painting on my shed today ( just finishing off bits - Den did most of it last week) and felt ok although I did lay down for a rest afterwards and fell asleep !! Still, will get a bit stronger every day until I'm up and running which hopefully wont be long.....

Back in Land of Living

Well what can I say ?? I was soo pleased that I had finished chemo. Soo looking forward to a few weeks of normalcy when BANG the Universe decided I needed bringing back down to earth. And what a way to do it!! Woke up feeling very tired last Wednesday but put it down to all the effort put into selecting my new boots. However by Friday felt really fatigued. By the late afternoon felt very unwell and discovered I had a temperature. To cut a long story short I ended up in hospital with a really low white blood cell count. This is not unusual in Chemo treatment, but I had thought I had gotten away with it. The thing is the fact that white blood cells help the body to fight infection so a low count leaves you at risk of being unable to fight off any infection that your body comes across. So I ended up with a temperature of 39.1 and a really bad cold. I have spent the last four of five nights on the A1 ( cancer ) ward in a room on my own. It was a nice comfy room with en-suite and TV etc, and all the staff on the ward are brilliant. Unfortunately as you are all aware my body does not like having canula's etc inserted so that has been a bit of a nightmare. I started off by having one inserted into my foot ( that was so painful I cant begin to tell you) in Resus. Then after that failed because the veins in my arms kept collapsing there was a decision made to insert a line into my neck. I have since found out this does come with a lot of problems. Eventually thank God a young doctor managed to get a canula into the back of my hand. This was to enable the insertion of anti biotics into my body to fight off the infection. I can happily report that the drugs worked and I am now back home in my shed, a bit tired still but feeling a whole lot better. I would like to say a big thank you to my friends for visiting me. It does get very boring when you start to feel better, so a visit from a friend does help to pass the time. And a very big thank you to all the staff on A1 for enabling my recovery. So onwards and upwards - a few days readjustment and then back out into the world. Hurrah !!

news from A1

Dennis again. Bronia still in hospital and seems very comfortable in her en-suite quiet hotel room although I'm pretty sure she would rather not be there. Still having IV anti-biotics plus injections to get white blood cells inreased - temp not settled and as no doctors around on Sunday no news on when she gets her release papers. As you can imagine Bronia starting to get restless and looking forward to getting back to normal.

back to hospital

Hi everybody Dennis here with an update as Bronia is back in hospital. Thursday night and Friday Bronia really tired, sore throat, ulcers and then pm Friday high temp. Hospital told her to go to in immediately as temp over 38. Got to A & E about 6.45pm and had to endure 30 mins surrounded by sick people.Put in resus room and eventaully a very nice dreadlock regae reggae doctor managed to get a line into foot and started IV anti-biotics as temp was now 39.1 and doctor very concerned. Bronia spent night with very little sleep in ward and them moved to A1 which is cancer ward. Happy there as she has own en-suite room with tv but no mini-bar!
Went to see her yesterday evening and seemed much better - white blood cell count very low so means very susceptible to any bugs or infection so given injection to help raise this count plus still getting anti-biotics. Think she will be in hospital for hopefully only a couple of more days. Thanks to Caroline for helping Friday and to Sue for her help and everybody for their good w ishes. Will keep you updated on progress

Retail Therapy

Feeling so much better. Ok so mouth is all peeling inside and think I might be getting an ulcer, I still have the ' runs' . But I am feeling good !! Whooo hooo

Den and I went into Grimsby this morning and had a wander around the shopping centre. Went into Binns for coffee - the coffee shop opens onto the shoe department. This is great because I was able to leave Den drinking coffee and reading newspapers while I wandered around looking at my favourite things- Boots. Now I dont care  much for shoes but I love Boots. I have several pairs in my wardrobe that I cant walk in and dont wear anymore and I will send them to a charity shop. But I didnt want to leave a big gaping space in their place as it might cause me some kind of boot shortage anxiety and I have to avoid that at the moment .  So whilst Den took some well deserved relaxation I wandered around the department. I picked up all the boots I liked and stroked them and felt them and when I was ready I gave the assistants details of the boots I wanted to try on and the colour choices ie if they came in brown and black to bring both. Soon I was in heaven- surrounded by soft supple leather in all the colour combinations. My legs were encased in all kinds of styles as I paraded back and forth between the coffee shop and the shoe department so as to get Den's expert opinion ( well just to let him feel included) as I judged each boot on its merit. I was so happy, Dennis was happy watching me in my favourite pastime. The assistants were happy too as I was their only customer and it made me feel glad to give them something to do in an otherwise boring morning. Sending them back and forth into the bowels of their storeroom to emerge minutes later with yet another heavenly opportunity in leather for me to appraise. And so it went on until all options were exhausted.  And then as with all highs- came the low, which should I choose ? What colour ?
Ah to hell with it I'lle take two pairs one in each colour!
What a morning- Chemo Fog vanished for all time by the best therapy of all - RETAIL !!

What a Bitch

Hello everyone- I am back in the land of the living. Having had awful joint pains - like someone knocking nails in my ankle's and knees and having a brain that was pratically paralysed, I am pleased to announce IT HAS PASSED !! Yipppeee now the only way is UP!! I am finally being released from this 3 weekly HELL.

I am making a fuss about this because I had an appointment today with Ms Spensley the Radiotherapy person. What a Cow !!! You may remember that Dr Butt the Oncologist has said that this lady would not be happy that we had booked a holiday. Well she wasnt.  We didnt get off to a good start because when she asked how I found the chemo and I laughed- she made the comment that my laugh sounded hysterical ( I didnt think so but hey, Chemo brain). I found this rather a strange comment but ignored it and carried on saying it had been very hard but I was relieved to be finished etc etc, and concluded by saying I was really looking forward to my holiday. Her face changed and she asked when was it for and where and when had we booked it. I gave her all the details and she literally spat at me - who said you could have this holiday?? I said well everyone told me I would have to wait 5-6 weeks for radiotherapy and it would be ok - she then spat- who said that?? I then said everyone else knew about it and they were all cool,what was the problem?? She literally leered at me and said ' you have a grade 3 triple negative ( dont like the negative bit) aggresive cancer, this is serious' I said yes I know its serious, I ve just been through months of hell, Dr Butt said I dont have Cancer anymore, Jenny Smith my consultant said a holiday would do me good. Everyone said I would have time between the treatments to have a holiday so I booked one. Well she went off on one saying its her job to organise the radiotherapy and no one else should be giving me wrong info. I said they need to speak to each other and decide the time scales and tell the patient in good time, as all the Macmillan info says ' they will accomodate holidays around the treatment' She practically called me a liar, had a go at Dennis who asked whether the delay would effect my treatment, saying she couldnt confirm that. She even told me I would have to have 4 weeks of treatment- I queried it because I was told 3. She let rip again. Eventually she realised it would only be 3 weeks and at least apologised for that. She then calmed down a bit and asked if I would be prepared to have the radiotherapy before my holiday. If we started right away it could be done. Dennis seemed to think this would be a good idea and before I knew it she was on the phone to Hull to see if it was possible. Now I do applaud her for that, but whilst she was holding she said the treatment would give me more fatigue, that I wouldnt be able to swim on holiday and that my breast would probably peel and be too sore to wear a bra.   That said, Hull confirmed they could fit me in. Hurry she said- tell me know whilst I'm on the phone- are you going to do it.  I looked at her and I said No thank you. There is no point in my going on the holiday in that state- I may as well forget it. But I am not going to do that because I have had enough for now. I will have a rest go on holiday and commence radiotherapy on my return and take my chance - thank you very much!!When seput the phone down I said that she and all the other departments should get together and decide the procedures, write them down and hand to patients when they are first diagnosed- if it is decided there should be no holidays tell them at that point, not wait until it too late. But for now I would take my chance as I need to get away from all the treatments for a bit and if the cancer comes back it comes back. Wow talk about being treated like a child. I will also add that somewhere in the conversation she asked if I had any other medical conditions, if there was breast cancer in the family, if I smoked or drank. When I said no to everything but drinking she askd how much - I said oh loads though cut down through Chemo. She then went on to say there was a deffinate link to cancer and alcohol. I then said yes but apparently the fact that I'm under 5'6" should help outway that ( recent research found ladies over 5'6" were more at risk). Now I know I was being a bit pissy at that, but it was like if I had said yes to any of the other questions she would have blaimed those. I am not looking for a reason- never have. Its irelevant. Why waste energy on asking the why's and where for's??  Nobody knows for sure. All I know is that I am not going to put myself through misery and hell asking these sorts of questions. Nor am I going to give up living.  When I got out I ran into Barbara my breast nurse, apparently Ms Spensley has a reputation. When I told Barbara about the holiday she didnt seem concerned at all, she said she couldnt see the problem. I think this lady has a problem and I do feel inclined to complain about her behaviour, but Ill think on that.   Now back to living-  wheres that bottle of champers ...........

Chemo Fog - last one !!

Well, didnt get out of bed until 11.15am  today, having had a good night. Now in shed catching up with my busy media life, and then putting my feet up for a restful afternoon. Have recieved first posting on Cancer Community wall, which is nice, but feeling the responsibilty. Am determined not to post ' I will pray for you' or anything of that nature. Preferring to inspire people do something and make the most of the situation without getting too bogged down with praying. I personally think people should use this time to reflect and plan the rest of thier lives. However long or short, and lets face it some lives are very short. Better a short life full of quality than a long one bogged down with regret. Thats just my opinion.
As I type this I am looking down at my legs and have noticed A HAIR on my shin. Just the one but its about 1/4 of an inch long !! In fact on closer inspection theres more than one !! OMG is this the start of becoming hairy again ??  At the moment it is effecting my right leg only, but I guess the left one will catch up in due course. You see how quickly everything tries to return to normal?? Anyhow not too bad  in the Fog yet. But a few more days before I can safely feel I'm out of it for good

I am Safe !!

Had a really really good sleep last night, so have woke up with that hung over feeling you get from sleeping deeply but feel I have caught up a bit on the night before.

Last chemo went ok. Canula inserted on second attempt. They warned me it would hurt as they had to stick in right in the side of my wrist ( the only place they could find another vein.) Thankfully it worked. Although I have to question wether it was the fact that my bra was stuffed with smoky quartz and the Mica that Emma sent to me that got my body ready to accept. It does seem strange that the only time it went badly was when I forgot to use them. Well only the Universe knows the answer, but whatever it was I was very thankful. I am also very thankful thet I have had no side effects whilst the Taxidere was being inserted. The lady that has been along the same treatment as me went into some kind of toxic shock again yesterday and they had to stop the treatment and give her oxygen as she couldnt breathe and went an awful colour. After a rest they started it again and it was going ok when I left. But it just shows again how lucky I have been so far. But is it luck ?, or is it that I feel supported and nutured by a far greater energy that is guiding me through this and helping me. So far I have listened to and followed the guidance provided and somehow I am getting through. I do fundamentely believe that the Universe has everthing in order ( whatever it may be ) and that I am safe. There is no need for to push forward at the moment. My job right now is to rest in the nature of myself, heal  and prepare for the next task the Universe presents me with............ trouble is I cant wait !!

Oh what a night !!

Steriods kept me awake last night. I was in the office at 3 am doing my new facebook page- cancer community. And I hope to follow very shortly with a social network page complete with forum and sale items!!  Still I have been putting it off for ages as I couldnt decide on a name and then in the middle of last night in it popped. Just had to get up then and create it. You see everything in our world begins as a thought and then we create our reality. Think about it. Everything we have or use began just as a thought in one persons head.  You do it all the time, even your dinner begins as a thought. Just ask and it is given, Cosmic Ordering- try it.

Last chemo today hurrah. Not looking forward to canula insertion as it took 3 attempts to get blood yesterday. But knowledge that this is the last time shall steel me in readiness. Am so knackered after last night I shall probably fall asleep anyhow.

Then just a matter of time to see what delights it has in store for me. Hopefully not too many suprises and then ONWARDS AND UPWARDS !!!...

Thank god I am not alone

 Had a great day yesterday- my Reiki session threw up some rather interesting stuff, I suddenly found myself speeding down a gilded vaulted tunnel towards a big gold door. David ( my Reiki therapist)  and I both came to the conclusion that the door represented my future, or metaphysically in buddist traditions the door represents the third eye, so it could be interpreted that I am ready to open psychically. Bizarre really as I keep getting told that. Also a very dear friend sent me a crystal that is of the Mica family and according to my Crystal bible Mica opens you up to spirit. So been told twice in one day.

Then last night I rang a local company and the owner answered. I had seen her about a month ago in the Macmillan suite and obviously we both had no previous idea of our conditions until then.  Before we got down to business I thought I would enquire how she was. At this she burst into tears and told me that it was terminal and that she was not feeling very well. She was on her own so I asked her if she wanted company, but her daughter was on her way. She kept apologising but I told her to let it all out and we had a little chat as she cried. Somehow I found this very upsetting and I was still crying as Den came home, I suppose I really could identify with her fears and her pain. If fact just reading this back has made me cry !!! Anyhow I have rung her this morning and she is feeling much better, which has made me feel better to. We have agreed that she can call me anytime she wants and have a cry or a rant or whatever. And that we shall meet up when we both emerge from our chemo fog in about 2 weeks.

Dens day off so a spot of lunch then off  to hospital for blood tests ready for tomorrow- just hope they can find the vein this time !!

I dont have Cancer anymore !!

After waiting an hour in the Macmillan suite yesterday, I eventually got to see Dr Butt my oncologist. Nice man but very difficult to understand him. Anyhow he asked me if the Chemo was better or worse than I thought it would be, I said it had been better. Then he asked if I had any problems I said no. Then he said I didnt need any pills ( as in Hormone treatment) which I already knew. He then said I do not have Cancer anymore. I then told him I was going on holiday in October to which he responded can I change it?? Why I asked ?? Was there a medical reason ?? He then said no but it would interfere with my radiotherapy. I said no it wouldnt as I was told it could take upto 6 weeks between Chemo and Radiotherapy. And anyway as I dont have cancer any longer would a weeks delay make any difference?? He then said ok and that he would send me an appointment to see him in the new year at which point he would discuss when I would get scanned. I said why do I have to wait so long. He then repeated you do not have cancer and at this point you are far better than when I first saw you ( pre Chemo). I could disagree with that.  All in all this took 10 minutes maximum. It cost me £ 3 to park and took over an hour. We could have had that discussion over the telephone!! No wonder the NHS has no money !!
Anyhow its official I dont have Cancer anymore and they obviously dont expect it to come back before the New Year.
 I should get Dr Butt to speak to HSBC's insurance scheme as they put the facts into thier computer yesterday and the computer said 'no' it wouldnt cover me for any Cancer related problems whilst I'm on my holiday. It would cover me for say a car accident, but not for any Cancer related problem. Well thats no problem cos I dont have Cancer anymore - Get it ??

Haha its a funny old life isnt it. Anyhow off to the Odyssey center for Reiki and then a relaxing afternoon in my shed, meditating and reading my lastest book a Compassionate Mind. Its a good life at the moment,will I ever want to work again ??.....

Hospital Week

Got appointment this afternoon with Dr Butt my Oncologist. Apparently you have to see him as you get to the end of chemo. Great that means another hours wait in the Macmillian suite. !!! Then again on Wednesday for blood tests, then hurrah Thursday- bloody last one !! Lets just hope my veins respond favourably this time and dont go into spasm or try to hide deep inside my body. Not that I'm stressing about it already ??!! Have a load of questions for the Dr this time. Last time I really didnt ask anything ( it was like why ask and stress, just take it as it comes). This time with Chemo nearly behind me I shall be asking more about my cancer type, prognosis, recovery etc. I feel it is now important to face the bugger properly. Though I am slightly apprehensive about what I might hear.

Still feeling quite weak I have to say. Den and I went shopping yesterday afternoon, and I was exhausted. Just walking around Tesco. How pathetic is that ?? Am concerned about the toll this last one will take on me. Last time I slept and slept. So discounting the next week and a half as I assume it will be much the same. I just hope this weakness goes quickly after the chemo leaves my body as I have loads I want/need to do.  Anyhow that is in the lap of the Universe, theres not much I can do just settle down and ride the storm. Have contacted HSBC who supply my travel insurance, to declare whats happened. Thier computers are down and am waiting for a call back.  This will put thier service to the test, if they will not insure me I shall downgrade my account as I am paying £12 pm for this facility, I may even transfer all my accounts to another bank. We'l wait and see ....

Dread ahead

Lovely busy few days, but I am exhausted. I seem to have no reserve energy at all. Just walking around tires me out. Its very frustrating. My eyes are still watering all the time-  this is a side effect, together with nose bleeds and my tender fingers and toes. Still what can be done?? Nothing apparently but I am told these will go after I have completed the treatment.  Such is the joy of chemo. Last one on Thursday. I do however feel very apprehensive, because the Fatigue will only get worse before it gets better. And I cant help wondering how long it will take to get over it. I already feel as if I have no blood in my veins just water, so the prospect of having to go through it one last time fills me with dread. Anyhow enough with moaning it has to be done. So roll on Thursday and to hell with it!!

Last night of the Proms tonight. Am having a bottle of champers as I listen.This is also another marker for me. Summer is definately over and Autumn is on its way. Actually it is, we have a lot of windy weather approaching, a hurricane from America. We shall have to batten done the hatches.

Saw a lovely picture last night of a meteor going past the Glastonbury Tor- how special is that ?....

Domestic Goddess

Been really busy making Picallili and Damson Jam. Seems funny preserving things - you have to assume you are gonna be around to eat them. I do enjoy doing it and lets face it I have time this year. Plus its therapy. It gets me off my butt and doing something. However I should be spending more time on my various projects. This is becoming harder as I am counting down the days to next Thursday, and I am finding that I am busy getting out and about. I think this is because I know I shall be confined to barracks for at least another week once I have it. So you find you do have to catch up with practical things and also spend quality time with friends while you can actually enjoy it. Still LAST ONE!!!

Am going over to Matlock tomorrow to visit John and get my Transcendental Meditation checked so that shall be a nice day. And today I am going to the Odssy center for a Reiki session which I shall enjoy. So you see, no time for work.

I do feel that something is occurring.  Some of my Soul sisters are deffinately blossoming and expanding their healing energies. Its great to witness thier confidence growing and growing. I cant wait to see where this shall lead us, its going to be a great journey- I know .....

Autumn- mellow fruitfulness

Had a great evening with Colette and Christian, its always lovely to catch up. Then yesterday we went to Louth for lunch and had a good look around. I am feeling a bit stronger now although I seem to have developed weepy eyes. They've been like it on and off for a while but now it is a permanent problem. It s most annoying and is making my eyes sore. I have no idea why its happening and it plays havoc with my 'slap', plus it makes me look like a right Muppet. My nose its also ungoing some sort of internal cleansing as it is still bleeding, and now seems to alternate between being totally bunged up and running like a tap. I guess these symptoms are just the taxodare finishing off any mucus producing membranes that got left behind last time. My fingers and toes are still tender plus I have noticed my nails have become discoloured and weak. Apart from that I am Hunky Dory !!!!

Real stormy weather today so have decided to make quiche to freeze and make a start on my picallilly.We have a glut of veg and the plum tree is full. The season has changed and it is a time for gathering and storing and preparing for the long Winter ahead. Autumn is generally a time for reflection and this for me really is. I have learnt so much this SOL. About Spiritual matters, Cancer, Chemo, but more importantly about myself. My own strengths and weaknesses,. It does seem appropriate that my Chemo is coming to and end, like Summer and that I shall enter my Autumn of treatment, in which I am given a rest and time to prepare and store my resources ready for the final onslaught of Radiotherapy in November. Then hopefully I shall have the Celebration of the winter Solstice followed by Christmas. I would like to enter 2012 knowing I am clear of this Bugger. That would really give me something to celebrate !!!.....

Sunday, Sunday

Soo tired after yesterday. Keiran wouldnt take no for an answer so we ended up cutting the hedge and trimming back a few bushes. I was'nt much help and Keiran is a man mountain, but I did a bit. I can feel it this morning, so have retired to my shed with the Sunday magazines, and I shall rest a while.
 I have a rather large Ulcer on the side of my tongue, just where I had the last one, which is a nuisance to say the least, and a nose that keeps bleeding slightly. The nose thing is new, although last time it bled a little. This time round its bleeding a bit more. Hopefully it will stop soon as we are going round to Colette's and Christian's for dinner and I dont want to put everyone off thier food. Ah the joys of Chemo. Only one more to go though. That thought keeps me going. 1 month from now that stage of my life shall be over and I cant wait.........

Nice warm Saturday

What a nice day, the weathers really warm, last night was too. We stayed out in the shed till 9.30 and it was still a very balmy night. I think one of the warmest so far this year.  Keirans here and bust mowing the lawn. After lunch he wants to cut our hedge which I agree needs cutting, but as its only me to help I,m not sure its such a good idea. I shall try and talk him out of it. Just been admiring my new Winter hat that I got from Brigg market the other day. Its all furry and Russian looking, it will keep my baldy napper nich and toasty when the weather changes. The nice man I bought if from also let me have a little lilac beanie hat for £1 because he felt sorry for me. Hadnt thought about exploiting my situation and am now seeing a missed opportunity.  So sitting here trying to decide if I need anything and how best to succeed in exploitation. Actually I,m only joking. The last thing I want is someone showing me pity couldnt stand that. 
The other day I posted a comment on a facebook site called ' Cancer Sucks' and the response has been hilarious. Typical Americans, all saying they will pray for me and one advising a visit to www. thewatchtower.com ha! cant wait to email back to break the news that any spiritual support I need comes from either the Buddist or Hindu tradition. What is it with Americans they are so over the top. Anyhow not going to look at that page anymore as its full of poeple saying the cancers come back or someone is dying from Chemo - gloom gloom. I suppose if you have lived through this hell the last thing you are going to do is bother to post good news on a cancer site. No you run a mile from it and get on with your life. If however you find yourself back in it the mire you look for support from others in the same situation. I have to consider this with my website as the last thing I want is for it to be miserable.......

Out and About

Had a great day yesterday getting out and about in my car. Went to Brigg, then to Grimsby and ended up in the shop. Saw a few of my nice customers and caught up a bit on the gossip. It felt really good to be normal again. Bit knackered when I eventually got home but it was a nice knackered. Hopefully I shall have a good couple of weeks before the 15th. It means I can get a few things done that need doing but I run out of time.

Having lunch with Michelle today- which I,m looking forward too, then Keirans over tomorrow, so can catch up with him. Hopefully catch up with Collette next week. Feel I havnt seen my friends for so long , it will be good to meet up with them all. I do hope to arrange an 'end of treatment' party at some point, so we can all get together again.  Hopefully we shall have something to celebrate.

I,m Out

Ok one week to the day and I'm going out !!! Cant say I'm 100% but feel I have enough energy to drive over to Brigg.  It will do me good. Glad to say no other nasty symptoms have appeared, just mind numbing fatigue. Oh how I hate that word. I only use it cos thats the medical description. FATIGUE even the word itself is unattractive ( I think its the FAT in it). Anyhow I reckon 1 full week of Fatigue is quite enough for this round. I shall take it easy and take my time, but I am going out there. Even the thought of freedom makes me Fatigued !!

Got a lunch date tomorrow, then Keirans over on Saturday so got to pull myself together. You wouldnt think it would be sooo bloody hard. Anyhow got my sense of humour back which is also a good sign. I have to say here and now that if this bugger comes back there is no way I am doing Chemo ever again. I think once is enough for anybody. I,m not complaining because hopefully this has saved my life BUT not again. My body feels bloated, baggy, dry, knackered, hairless( which is mostly a plus) heavy, fat and old!! I have no idea how I am to get any level of fitness back. I shall need double doses of Botox plus umteen fillers to fill the dry lines that have planted themselves on my face. Anyhow thats for the future, just now I have to get my arse into gear and put some slap on and head out into the big old world ............

Home Alone

Have been left on my own !! Dennis obviously feels I can look after myself and has gone down to Norfolk for the night to visit his Mother. With my blessing of course, but he has been panicking about leaving me- I think he is worried that I might relapse if left on my own. Funny isnt it. I am quite happy to be here on my own- lets face it I,m not brilliant company at the moment. I can listen to the radio, meditate, do Reiki on myself, have a long bath, watch a film, all kinds of things without having to hold a conversation with anyone for 24 hours- bliss.
I am feeling better today, although not as good as I had hoped. Although thankfully no sign of the dreaded Thrush for which I am exceedingly grateful
Its just that I still feel really knackered, no energy. My arms ache just typing this. I keep waiting for the switch, which when it happens occurs very suddenly. One minute I feel like shit the next I feel completely energised. I am going to dedicate the afternoon to meditation and visualisation on that subject it in hope it will bring it on. I need to get my life back for a couple of weeks before the final flattening one. Come on Universe give me the energy......

Sleepy Tuesday

I should be working on my webpage but my brains still numb. It is improving and we went to the supermarket this morning and I bought a bottle of Cidre ( this is always a good sign). However I am still really tired. Keep having to lie down and close my eyes. I am still optimistic that this one is not as bad as the last one and that I will improve dramatically tomorrow. If I could just get over this mind blowing fatique I will have cracked it.  Am looking at booking more courses including one to enable me to teach meditation which I shall enjoy doing. Trouble is with all the hospital appointments, radiotherapy etc I seem to have a busy calender- no time to be sick!
Just found out that Grimsby hospital will give me free parking in future- typical as I have nearly finished there, but hey its good news for others in the same boat. Because they are always late in the Macmillan Suite you always end up paying at least £3 for parking and then you have to attend for blood checks etc. It all adds up and if people are on sick pay its must be a great strain on thier finances. So about time Grimsby. Now all we need is for the Humber Bridge to give concessions on Tolls for visits to Castlehill for Radiotherapy and that would also be a great help.  Anyhow politcal rant over- need to lie down and close my eyes .......

Bank Holiday

Am enjoying being able to use my pc in my shed, its so much nicer than being indoors. Hoping that I am coming out of the smog now. Went to bed last night at 8pm and didnt get up till 9am, just couldnt stop sleeping, but this one is not so painful as the last one, some pains but no where near as bad - at least not yet. Although fingers and toes are getting  sensitive and my mouth is disgusting.  Hopefully I can pull round quickly now and get back to almost normal and have a couple of good weeks.
Its really funny because some of my hair is coming back. I have a fuzz on the top of my head thats like a very fine baby hair, but my temples are still bare. Anyhow am glad of the fuzz because my head is getting really cold now the weathers cooling down. I have a little woolly hat that Den keeps laughing at ( ok so it looks like a tea cosy) but no kidding I had to wear it in bed last night as my baldy napper was frozen. I am such a style icon eh ??  Sex on legs !! haha.  Anyhow heres to the last bank holiday of the summer enjoy and raise a glass to me and my countdown to September 15th ....

Chemo Brain

Well here I am in my shed on my pc. Racked with shooting pains from my knees to my teeth. Yea I know it sounds wierd but this stuff shoots around my body triggering stabbing pains that move continually. Anyhow I'l survive, whatever the bugger throws at me. Just hard coping with Chemo brain as I try and type this my brain keeps misfiring and I have to keep going back to rectify stuff. Anyhow only one more after this, and then a holiday and then radiotherapy and then I hopefully get my life back. My new life that is. Havnt quite decided what that will be but I have many thoughts on the subject. It really does depend on my prognosis, obviously. Anyhow we are at the back end of summer, I always think that August Bank holiday is the last real day of Summer. And I have to admit that for once I am not sorry to see it go, to let go of my Summer of Learning and have time to reflect on my lessions, but I'm not complacent as I still have a lot of work to do. As soon as I get my brain back I intend to start working on my website.  Watch this space and make the most of the Bank holiday !!

Poor little pin cushion me !!!

Bloody Hell - took 5 attempts to get canula in yesterday- again. Apparently my veins go into spasm when they get into them. Whatever !! Only one more dose to go, so I guess I can cope. Feelin ok still, but it was Saturday evening before I started to croak last time, so going all out to install my new computer which means I can now work in my shed, having a 'wireless' connection. So here I am in shed looking out at the rain and writing this. Freedom eh?? Anyhow shall start ASAP on my website- which is going to be dedicated to cancer suffers. Although shall not be medical, there are already loads of them scaring people shitless- just looking at the practical side of things and giving tips on getting started on this journey. I also intend that there shall be forums as it is important for sufferers to be able to communicate with others. So really it will be dependant on people joining in. I think its great if you can get online and off load 24/7 about things you may not want to discuss with nursing staff or family. To admit you're scared to people in the same boat could be quite carthartic. As will be the black humour which is bound to pop around. There are so many of us out there, all having different experiences, but to be able to share good and bad stuff with people who get where you're coming from is very supportive. It will be dedicated to all types of cancer not just breast. So again will be dependant on poeple loggin on. Anyhow might be crap as never tried to build website let alone add on a forum. But who dares wins - right ?? Anyhow shall keep you all updated on my progress.  So far all the people in the cancer associated world think its a good idea - just hope I can carry it off. No pressure then ???...

One more to go

Had a great evening with Sue imbibing the last alcohol  for a good few days and putting the world to rights. Am at hospital later today to have a meeting with Val the Chemo nurse and then to have my blood tested to ensure I am strong enough to have the Chemo tomorrow. I have to start taking Steriods today which probably means I wont sleep well from tonight. Oh the joys of treatment. Mind you - theres always someone worse off than yourself. Yesterday I heard from Kieran that Graham's brother has been diagnosed with an inoperable cancer and been told to finish work and get his affairs in order. Poor man what a shock that must be, at least Ive had time to adjust and consider my mortality. Just shows that you should never put off doing something that you really want to do, because sometimes you just literally run out of time and you dont want to have to many regrets. I dont have many thats for sure, and when I finish these treatments I am going to make sure I have no regrets for as long as I remain clear of this bugger. So watch out everyone as I only have one more month slowed down by this and then I'm up and running. What am I going to do, I hear you thinking- well just watch this space !!!!!

The countdown

Had a nice morning collecting Damsons from down our lane, so that I can make jam at the weekend, and looking forward to having a Reiki session with David at the Odessey center at 1pm today.  Later round to Sue's for a glass of wine or two. All in all a good day. Its turned rather cold today, quite a change from yesterday - but thats English summer for you. Have taken a chance and booked a holiday to Gran Caneria in October, which will be after chemo and before radiotherapy. Need to check with insurance company that they are happy with this I suppose, although as I dont have cancer anymore cant see it should be a problem, but we all know how akward insurance companies can be.  Intend to buy a new laptop tomorrow as our old pc seems to have died on us, and with our wireless hub status it means I can spend more time in the shed working on my various projects. This will be very important in the next few days as it means I shall be able to access the web while in my Chemo fog, so no need to waste time feeling sorry for myself.  I can get on with my plans.  Cant help but wonder what delights this dose will have for me, but cant wait to get it as only one more after this......

Soul Sisters

Had a brilliant weekend in Scotland with Suzi and Karen, it was great to catch up as I hadnt seen then for nearly a year. Has an explore around Suzi's land and then discovered that there was a Body & Spirit fair in Glasgow on  Saturday that we decided to attend. We also discovered that Simon Goodfellow was also there and he was doing a demo on mediumship.  It was really interesting and we all got a  few minutes reading from him. We were all impressed. so much so that we have changed our minds about attending a class in London re physic development in favour of attending Simons.
But what I really got from this weekend was confirmation that I am surrounded by a group of woman that are all supporting me in many different ways and its very touching to know. You will know who you all are and some of you have met. Eventually I hope you will all meet and we can have a cracking party to celebrate. It really is comforting to know that I can call on any of you if / when I need to and that you will be there. I have decided that you are all my Soul Sisters and I love each and everyone of you. Yuk cant believe I just said that must be feeling really mushy today. Anyhow a great weekend and now its all downhill to Thursday and my penultimate chemo, better make the most of being able to eat and drink everything while I can as god knows what suprises are in store for me with this next dose. BTW have decided to launch my website for all cancer sufferers and am starting to develop it - shall keep you all posted on its progress... peace and love xx