Group Hug

This is to you, my friends and Dennis, please be cheerful, I know its hard. Right now i am in a very good place ( I know this is subject to change- but that is my prerogative). I know I have a long slog ahead - but think of the laughs we're gonna have. I am going to milk this opportunity for all I can get, ie with your help I'm going to have a fantastic garden, full re-decoration of the house, all my windows cleaned, washing and ironing done- maybe I can even pull off a charity event to send me off on a fantastic holiday!!  The sky is now my limit !! I have become a spoilt lady of leisure, already.

Had another great day in the garden yesterday- splitting up plants and re potting. I do think Ive lost all my Arum Lillie's though which was a disappointment, but their demise shall make way for something else even better I'm sure.

Dennis at last decided to take the attunement for Reiki I and we started that process yesterday and we shall finish today, I hope that it will give him the peace and strength it provides me with. Universal life force energy - you cant bottle it , but there's a never ending supply and boy am I taking it in at the moment !!

Halycon Days

Had a great day yesterday. Finished putting up the prayer flags brought back from Nepal, they really take me back to my days doing 'Kora' round the Stupa. I went to the garden center and got a load of Pansies and have put those in tubs. Whilst I was wandering around a little voice said to me ' get a Rowan tree'. For those of you that dont know a Rowan tree is a guardian and protector of the garden, it used to be worshipped and used in rituals by druids, it is believed to contain spirits, and its berries have medicinal qualities. Sounds about right then !!!

Anyhow ordered one to be delivered ( it was quite tall) and have since discovered these trees grow big - I mean upto 25 '  !! I havnt told Dennis ( the potential height) I mean. Anyhow it must be what the garden needs and we shall have a tree planting ceremony soon.

I am very touched by all the messages of good will I am receiving from all over, its almost tangible and it is a great comfort to me. Its also great that everyone has a good sense of humour and makes me smile. In fact I keep finding myself humming and singing as I do stuff, then I stop and get a laugh out of the absurdity of it all...

Had another go at our garden, Collette and Christian came over with cakes and chainsaw. We got rid of the last remnants of the old garden, we laughed and chatted about my 'new life' it was nice. I received news of my CT scan which is on Thursday at 6.15, I apparently wont get results until Mon /Tues so another weekend waiting for news !! I am hoping that they will at least give me a date for the op when I go to see the reconstruction surgeon - also on Thursday.  As someone who likes to be in control this is not helping me and I would really like to find out wants happening on the inside of my body. Patience - not my strong point.

I am very thankful for my Reiki experience and for the hours and hours of meditation training as I am using both to visualise clearing and cleansing my body of those nasty black cells that do not belong there, and replacing them with bright white healing light. Another of my angels sent me a really appropriate affirmmation ' Each day I breathe the breath of light into every cell of my body and wash each cell and my body is healed ' This has become my Mantra - along with Om mani padme hum of course!!!

Today I begin anew- I am planting new seeds and plants in my garden and in my life .....

Burn the Bugger

Had a great day yesterday with my garden Angels, so much of our garden has died over this last winter and when I looked at it, it was almost as if the garden has cancer too. Where to start ??? Keiran , Graham Dennis and I got to work and within a few hours we had made a great start clearing out the old dead plants and planning what to put in thier place. We were looking at the Pampas grass which were looking very drab and sorry for themselves, when we dicussed that setting fire to them was supposed to be the best way to get rid of the old plant and allow fresh new shoots to come through. We decided to give it a go and as soon as the flame touched the first plant it exploded into an inferno. I then saw something symbolic in this as I have 3 Pampas and 3 areas of concern in my breast, as soon as I mentioned it to Keiron he ran and set fire to the other two. We stood for a moment and watched the flames destroy the old plant and I thought of the 3 areas in my breast reacting to those cleansing flames, burning the old nasty cells and thereby allowing new growth in the coming months, I felt empowered.
Then I panicked as the garden filled with smoke and the plants collasped onto the grass around them which in turn started to ignite. I looked at the dry hedge behind them and expected any moment to lose that too.
This I recognised  as my internal panic, not being able to control the forces of nature, that once you start a process you are not always able to predict the outcome. Then just as quickly as the plants ignited they started to dissolve into smouldering embers and become still. My panic subsided. I later realised that so much in life is unpredictable, but without starting the fire and taking the chance mankind would never have evolved from hunter gatherer. We would not be the people we are today.
Today I look out onto my cleared garden and have decided not to feel the loss and attachment but to look forward to the new growth, to plan and plant and watch nature begin anew. New beginnings- Very symbolic - dont you think ?? Off to the garden center to get some flowers .........

Retail Therapy

It is strange, suddenly I am buying PJ's and new pillows, trying to think ahead to when I will need them. Got my eyes tested - bloody hell hadnt done that for 5 years , just been managing with old reading specs, why am I bothering now. Its quite funny really, got a good deal 2 for 1 so second pair are tinted ( as I believe I shall be outside reading a lot).

The days are passing so quickly, 2 of my Angels are coming today to help tidy my garden, they are staying for lunch, it will be good to see them, although Kieran is so very upset. I find myself comforting him, telling him everything will be ok ( if I keep saying it, it will be ). Many more are contacting me and being very supportive, its great that they can deal with my honesty, it makes it easier for me. Have heard hat I have appointment with reconstruction surgeon next Thursday to discuss the options, still waiting for date of CT scan though which is really the one I want to get out of the way.

Sitting here writing this I am listening to buddist chant cd we brought back from Nepal - it is repeating Om Sangye Menlha - which my Glastonbury Angels will recognise as the Blue Medicine Buddha- Come on Sangye I really need you now ........

Angels

I have Breast Cancer ( keep saying it ) . I discovered a lump during our recent holiday to Nepal- I went to my Doctors as soon as we arrived home and a couple of weeks later here I am with a consultant in a ' quiet' room at our local Breast Clinic being told I have an agressive level 3 cancer ( keep saying it) in my right breast- that it has gone into my lymph system - so I need a CT scan to check for secondaries and that Ishall have a full masectomy within 2/3 weeks followed by Chemo and then radiotheraphy. Bloody Hell didnt sign up for this one. I am also worrying about what that CT scan may find, but hey I'lle sort that when it comes.

Telling friends isnt easy you have to voice it- you are tellng them and yourself some really weird news, you dont feel ill, you look the same, but you have inside you a time bomb thats ticking away ( mine seems to be of the fast side )

Over the past 4/5 years I have been on a journey and on the way i have met a lot of Angels, you know who you are. I dont mean the airey fairy type, I mean real solid 100% human Angels. Everytime I have met one I have wondered why the Universe had sent them to me , sometimes we have discussed this between us- now I think i have the answer.

Just recently one of my Angels suggested in view of that fact that I shall soon be a washed out baldy I should consider semi permanent make up . Good idea , so I called a number and got no answer ( Universe works in really good ways for me) as I then remembered a shop just down the road from my shop that does things for people like me.  I called ,an Angel answered and an appointment made. Within minutes of my arrival Angela ( Angel with an A) had got out her reconstructed boobs - which looked amazing and felt - yes she made me feel them, amazing.

Now this kind of made me think because I was toying with the idea of not have a reconstruction - prefering to be a strong Amazonian type ( you know the woman warriors who cut off thier breasts so that they could better use a bow and arrow )  and also because I remembered an article in the Sunday mags that had photos of beautiful woman who had opted for no reconstruction and had instead tatto's of Ivy and stuff entwined around thier bodies. 

It was also great to speak frankly with someone who had been to hell- and back, and had gone on to carve a great career for herself helping others overcome thier own image struggles. Anyhow we had a great couple of hours going through various ways of keeping me looking normal as I enter the various processes that shall ravage my body. Thank you Angel - a