Bon Voyage

Kitchen floor is halfway tiled hurray, it doesnt take much these days to make me happy. Poor Den has been using his afternoons off the get the ceiling painted and I have been painting the walls, a little at a time. We havnt finished but plan to attack it again on Sunday.  Lets hope the rest of the installation goes ok.  Its a bit of a bummer as I am tied to the house for most of the week, waiting for plumbers electricians etc. But its an excuse to get some other work done which I have been putting off. Including clearing the leaves from my garden, and gives me time to plan our Nepalese trip.  Although once the kitchen is finished I shall be running around madly trying to get some Christmas shopping done.
One of my dear friends, Emma, has recently returned from a trip to Bali, which she found to be a very profound spiritual journey- check her webpage www.persoots.com. She wants to go back and has asked if I and some other friends would like to accompany her next May/ June.  I sent out to the Universe that I wanted to travel a lot next year, so far I had only got Nepal ( and maybe Eygpt) and now suddenly I have a wonderful opportunity to experience what Emma has in Bali, with her and possibly other good friends. What a result, the Universe has provided !! Now all I want is for it to provide me good health and funding, not much of an ask is it ???....

Chaos

Why oh why did I decide to get my kitchen done, and why did I decide to do it before Christmas?? I must be mad. The joiner turned up at 7.30 - we were just out of bed. He helped Den to move our Welsh Dresser in preparation for the tiler. When Den took up a bit of carpet we had in one side of our kitchen there was vinyl underneath- and it was stuck to the floor!!! A mad half hour commenced as poor Dennis tried to prise this stuff off. Eventually the joiner got stuck in too and between them managed to get it off. Then the tiler turned up and for the last couple of hours has been removing the floor tiles - which has been a noisy and dusty process. He has now got to do the wall tiles !! We have also found out that the actual floor tiles are not getting delivered until tomorrow. On a positive note the joiner has sad he will be back next Monday to start his work so hopefully everything will be completed by end of next week. We must be completely bonkers !! I am working from the dinning room which is quite nice as its a room we dont use much and I like it, it makes a change to be in here.
I am busy buying Christmas presents on line, as it appears that I shall be here for the festivities. Left it just in case I could cop out but have now decided to bite the bullet and get started !! 
Got a shock yesterday - decided to look in the magnifying mirror with my glasses on - really to check out my fillers, when I realised my eyebrows have grown back with a vengeance. OMG I looked like Ivan the Terrible, they were about an inch thick!! I am hoping that they put on a monsterous growth spurt overnight and that I have not been walking around with them scaring people. So a huge plucking session was called for which was very painful. I do think however I shall need to call on professional help......

Mystic Bronia

What a great day I had yesterday, with Simon Goodfellow on his mediumship for beginners course. It was amazing. Really nice group of people- no nutters ( if you know what I mean) and a really relaxed space. I amazed myself with my physic abilities. As you will probably know I am sceptic by nature and logical so hearing myself coming out with ' stuff'' about people in photo's in envelopes and whilst holding an item that belongs to someone else, dead or alive, was pretty freaky. And I was pretty good even if I do say so myself!!
It was also great to be doing something normal ( if you can call it that) and getting back into the environment that I enjoy, it seemed such a long time ago that I was able to do that. Having said that I,m a little tired today which is not good as Dennis has to man the shop and we have a couple of guys arriving tomorrow to start work on our kitchen. So I am having to move bits out in readiness. Good thing we have a Utility room because that we serve as our kitchen for the next few days. Who's mad idea was it to get the work done before Christmas !!??

Its over

Thank God my treatment is over!! Yippee Hurrah. Cant believe its been going on since March. Now just some follow up appointments, one with the infamous Dr Spensley in 6 weeks and then the Oncologist in January.  And the wait.  The wait to see if I am rid of the devil that invaded my body. It could lurk unseen for weeks, months, years. The Bastard. I have won the battle but not the war. That will rage on, mostly through terrorism, every time I get an ache or a pain I shall be wondering. It will terrorise on a regular basis I suspect, always watching waiting and lurking ready to seize the opportunity to instigate conflict, to inflict terror.

I guess the only one that can control that is me. We are only victims if we allow ourselves to be. It is true that terrorism is in the minds of the perceived victims. It works to break the spirit and the will in an effort to gain power.

One of my friends gave me a slab of concrete when this all started with the words, ' Keep Calm and Carry On'  I guess that now becomes my new Mantra.

On a lighter note and in the spirit of my new found health I had my Botox and fillers done yesterday and have to say look much improved ( counter- terrorism). And to propel myself forward I am attending a beginners class in mediumship tomorrow. It will be great to get back into the saddle so to speak and marks the new beginning quite well I think....

Off the Deep end

Met up with Christian and Colette yesterday - newly back from base camp Nepal. They brought me back some lovely Nepalese gifts including some prayer flags to replenish my existing ones which are looking a little windswept. It was great to hear their experiences.
Had a great day out in Hull. Den came with me for my radiotherapy and then we went into Hull to do a bit of shopping. I like Lush products and made a beeline for the shop. When you go in they immediately jump on you and start to tell you stuff you already know. It puts me off and if they are not careful I will just say ' Boring' and walk out. Anyhow this particular one obviously realised I was getting to the 'B' part and cleverly left me alone. One of the productsI wanted was CACA ( french for shit) which is their Henna product. Henna is a natural hair dye- I am not allowed to use chemical dye for 6 months. If anyone knows why please tell me. Anyhow I went over to the checkout with my Henna and asked how much of the slab I needed to use.  Her colleague asked a very pertinent question. How long is the hair. I answered by removing my furry fur trappers hat. OMG you should have seen their faces, it was classic. I loved it !! Dennis wished he knew what I was going to do as he would have taken the picture which we could have posted here. Unfortunately you will just have to use your imagination. !!
After that and a nice pub lunch we went to the Deep. Brilliant, went a few years back and always wanted to go again. I love that there is just a bit of glass between you and all those creatures. At one point you feel you can just step off the cliff and be in their with them.
I am knackered now and getting dinner ready. But its a nice knackered instead of ill knackered.
Tomorrow Sue is coming with me. After the radiotherapy we are off to get Botox and Fillers Ha !! that will kick the cancer up the arse, thinking it can rob me of my looks as well as my booby...  then more RT in Beverley. Oh I'm soo lucky

Hairy Mary

What can I say ? Recieved an invite from the NHS ( from Castle Hill ) inviting me for a free breast screen. I have emailed them and politely put them in the picture, ironic isnt it??  Still I'm not suggesting its not a good thing because it is. And three years ago I had one and got the all clear. Shame is its every three years, if it had been two I might have had a different story. But thats Murphy's law or Karma, whatever. It just made me smile.
Anyhow on the last week of radiotherapy and then FREEDOM. I shall not know what to do with myself. Having said that next Monday shall be hectic as I am having my kitchen floor tiled, followed fairly closely by having the rest of the kitchen refitted. Hopefully it shall be completed by 18th Dec as I am having a little midwinter solstice party on 21st as I usually do.
Enjoying my returning eyelashes - celebrated a bit this morning by applying  mascara. They are still only half there but it pleases me to get the old slap on before I leave the house. Its all in my head as no-one else would notice, they are so tiny, but its my head that counts and thats the important bit. As for the rest on my hair thats growing too. My head hair is really fluffy and looks a bit darker although its hard to tell what colour I shall end up with. Annoyingly the hairs on my legs reached monkey status at the weekend and I have had to shave them, as has the fluff on my face. It the light I look really hairy it bizarre....

1 week left

Cant believe that this time next week I will have finished my treatment. At last after 8 months I shall be free. ( I pray)  Mind you I shall be busy with getting this new kitchen in and Christmas shopping and various party type things. So I reckon I wont have much time to think about it till the New Year. Then I shall hopefully be busy making final arrangements to go to Nepal.
I keep saying hopefully because of course there is always the danger of IT coming back. As much as I am not going to dwell on IT, it is still none the less the elephant in the room. I am concerned that IT might spoil my chances of getting back to Nepal, and it cloudes everything. I suppose its like tempting fate. Part of me is scared that if I take the attitude IT has gone forever, then Murphys law takes over. Its like double jeopardy. I told you its a head fuck didnt I ??

Anyhow whatever!!  At least I now have eyelashes that are almost long enough to have mascara on!! And a load of fuzz on my face which looks really funny together with the growing fuzz on my head!!

Gotta get on now and start clearing out some more rubbish. Sorting kitchen stuff in preparation for the new floor coming a week on Monday....

Only 6 more

Getting through Radiotherapy. So far its been fine - no problems. In fact time has gone so quickly since it started and I only have 6 more to go Hurrah !!! Then its over - for the time being. End of treatment, unbelievable.  Brilliant !!

Shall get chucked out of the system until end of January when I have an appointment with the Oncologist. I guess I shall have a scan sometime after that. Not really bothered about getting scanned, I mean if there is something there do you really want to know at that point ?? Anyhow, shall get it done but in no rush.

Den came with me yesterday and we went to Beverley. I had forgotten how nice it is. We had a really good time wandering around the shops before coming home for a rest.
Christmas is just around the corner and I,m having my kitchen refitted before that ( mad I know). Once the Radiotherapy ends I shall be really busy with emptying my cupboards in readiness for that. But we want to have a New Year, New Beginning so felt it would be right to get that all out of the way. I just hope we can get it all done ......

A plan

Madame Butterfly was lovely- such a sad story. Poor girl horribly taken advantage of and killing herself because she has been disowned and dishonoured at 18. How often does that happen now still??

Had a lovely walk on the beach yesterday with Keiron and Graham, it was so still and mild. I am so glad that I can at last go for a decent walk and enjoy it, it was one of the things I really missed being able to do. It makes me feel normal again.

 Michelle came with me to the hospital this morning and we had a good time together chatting about all sorts ( as you do) and we ended up doing a meditation, its always nice to share that with someone.

I am thinking of going back to Nepal in Feb next year. Oh I know about the insurance stuff and everything. But this all started in Nepal and as before I feel I have unfinished business there. Ideally this time we would like to be there for Losa, Tibetian New Year. Which we just missed last year. I also want to visit a Bon monestry in Northern India - Menri where Chongtul Rinpoche comes from. And a school for nuns run by a Nepalese nun outside Kathmandu. As well as revisiting Lumbini and Pokahara and spending more time there. So Universe willing we will get there.  I really do hope I can make it ....

1st week in the bag

Well thats it !! First week completed. Feeling fine so far ( fingers crossed).
All those familiar with the Mayan prophecies will be aware that of the 10ths full moon the countdown to 21/12 begins. So at 11.11am on 11/11/11 I had a meditation, along with a load of other lightworkers. I sent love and universal energy to our planet and to all sentient beings, and to myself. It felt really good to do that.

And now I,m off to lunch with Michelle. We,re off to Tealby, first to do a bit of RT ( retail therapy) and then to the pub for a really nice meal. Tomorrow evening I,m off to Madame Butterfly and out on Sunday for lunch with Keiron and Graham. So a lovely few days ahead. I hope you all have the same...

Pandora's Box

Just back from my third radiotherapy session, all ok still. Only thing is they have moved me onto a different machine as they say it means I wont have to wait too long. Thats not a problem except they have changed my times. Whereas before they were all 9.30 ( easy to remember) now for the next few days they are all over the place and then after that they are all at 9.20!!! Like tomorrow its 10.20, Fri 9.40 and next Tuesday its 8.30 !! Bloody Hell Dennis shall have his work cut out on that day, he'l have to push me out of bed !!

Did a stupid thing on Monday. I decide to google triple negative breast cancer. OMG why did I do that? So far I have managed to avoid scaring myself. Now I have found out that TNC has the most incidences of secondaries of all the cancers, and that they usually occur within 3 years, and it likes brain, liver and bone. On a good note, if you manage to be clear for 5 years the risk of secondaries drops to below that of other breast cancers. Such a stupid thing to do. I promised myself I wouldnt look but its too late now, I have opened Pandora's box and let the demons out. So now I have decided there is deffinatley no way I,m wasting time having reconstructive surgery next year. No sir. And I have to live with my new found knowledge.

This morning during radiotherapy I decided that each time I am zapped I am visualising killing the bastard. I am seeing it as a black slimy mess of little seeds and the radiowave just knocks it out completely, leaving lovely new pink cells. It makes me feel as though I am contributing something and makes me feel better anyway!!

Been a difficult week away as Dens van has blown up and is in the garage. This means that as soon as I get home he has to take my car.  And next doors feral tomcat attacked Polly yesterday and has hurt her foot, so I have to wait for Den to get back so I can take her to the Vets.  Hopefully the van will get fixed soon. Just life, but on top of everything else its a bugger!

On a very happy note I am pleased to announce that my eyelashes have re-appearred. Hurray, this means I can soon coat them with mascara and shall at last feel dressed when I leave the house ....

First Radiotherapy ( 14 to go)

So far so good for radiotherapy. We got there early and had a cup of coffee in the cafe. The radiotherapy staff were lovely. Only problem was that my machine was one of two that packed up this morning, so everyone was having to be moved onto the other four machines. That said I was only about 45 minutes late getting started. My first session took 23 minutes as they had to take some pictures and get my position right. I have to lay on my back on something that looks like a spine board then put my arms over my head and rest them in some cup things that take the weight, turn my face to the left and stay very still. I am very good at staying still so there were no problems.  ( I used the time to meditate) The bed and/ or the machine moves around/ over you, you dont feel a thing. Of course its possible that halfway through the treatments I shall start to feel tender and sore, and maybe tired as my body starts to concentrate on healing the areas that have been burnt. But for now its ok. The hospital is really clean and modern  and I have no complaints on my first visit.

I shall take some rest this afternoon as I have an evening with Sue tonite ( with wine) and have to be up again tomorrow morning for my second dose. I do intend to be careful and as ever listen to my body and do what it tells me. However compared to Chemo this is much more pleasant.

I have retreated from my shed today as the weather is damp and miserable, but yesterday afternoon it was so warm in there I had to have the door open. What a change!

Last hurdle

Well, Halloween and Bonfire night has passed. I always feel that at this point in the year Christmas is just around the corner. And the weather is so mild, long may it last !

Recieved another quote for my kitchen and have decided to go ahead- plan for a future ! Am having to decide this week on tiles and worktops etc so this will keep me busy through my first week of Radiotherapy. Its going to be quite a challenge to get up and into Hull every morning for 3 weeks ( I dont usually get up until 9am, sometimes a bit later) by 9.30. As its my first one tomorrow I have to be there for 9am, but Dennis is coming with me so I will be on time for that one.  I am hoping that all goes well with this and that I dont get too much skin damage, or get the dreaded fatigue back, but alas I shant know this until I get going with it.

Thankfully last evening my big toe nail fell off at last. Whats the big deal I hear you say. Its been disgusting for about 3 months all black and nasty. Its such a relief, although a bit late as its now boot and sock time so it wouldnt have mattered so much. My finger nails on the other hand are a complete mess, one of my thumbs is half black and the others are all coming away halfway down the nail. So I think they will also fall off !! I look like an alien. But I am alive so I am grateful for that.

Sadly on the news yesterday was the story of a six year old boy. He was diagnosed with a brain tumour in 2009. They operated and he had chemo and radiotherapy. He got two all clears on his scans and then the cancer came back and there was nothing they could do. He died last March, wheres the sense it that ?. This is now how I have to live, with a cloud over my head. Even an all clear scan does not mean IT wont come back. I am really trying not to become a bore over this, but it is somthing I have to come to terms with . I am hoping that once radiotherapy is finished, and Christmas, I shall be able to get on with my life. I dont yet know however what thatis going to be. I have several thoughts but nothing specific. My customers keep asking Dennis when I will be back, but it cant be in the shop as I have a new sunbed in my room. It cant be at my house because I dont think people will travel that far. I dont want it to be full time because I want to do more Reiki teaching and 'Love Heals' and get qualified to teach meditation. But then where I am going to do that?......

Bodies on its way back to me

Had a good treatment at the Odyssey center, reflexology which helped my aching feet. Its amazing how your body quickly gets out of condition. My feet are really suffering at the moment, having gone from not being able to do much to walking fast for an hour. Anyhow not complaining, its really nice to start feeling your body is a little more under your control. Honestly its hard to describe how the chemo has such a huge effect - especially towards the end. Not just physically but emotionally,mentally, and spiritually. It completely takes over. Now I feel I am getting ' Bronia' back at last. I am not a ' fade', just me. Warts and all.!

Next step is radiotherapy which starts on Monday. I have to be in Hull for 9.30 every day Monday to Friday for 3 weeks. Then that's it, all over as far as treatment is concerned. Then the waiting starts, to find out if all this misery has been worth it. And I think that is going to be the hardest part of all. A complete mind fuck every time I feel a little unwell or find a swelling.  What can you do? You have to just get over it and make the most of every day, which I fully intend to do. Have started having a bit of a clear out and am going to continue through the house until I have finished, hopefully before Monday.

On a happier note my hair is continuing to sprout through, although its really a baby fuzz. I look really funny, but am happy its on its way as it really does make your head feel cold without it. Still no sign of eyelashes though but hell you cant have everything!!

Holidays

Well thats it for now. Had a great time in Gran Canaria. Weather was 29 degrees most of the time. The hotel was brilliant. Food was delicious. AND I got Cava everyday with breakfast!! What can I say?

On a serious note I did spend time swimming and walking. We walked for at least 1 hour per day. It has helped me feel soo much better. Stronger and fitter despite all the food ( and drink). It was just what we both needed, though I have to say my baldy napper caused some attention around the pool. Kids being kids were all totally fascinated and made no attempts to hide their curiousity- good for them.

However that wont happen again because all that sunshine has given me a fuzz of hair growth, its bizarre. Its all coming through at different speeds, and I think its going to be gray. Now I'm cool about that as long as its gray all over and not all stripy. I would like white as I would enjoy using pinks and blues and purples to colour it. But anyhow I shall just have to wait and see. Whatever comes through I have to put up with it for 6 months- apparently you are not supposed to use dyes. I do wonder if henna is OK. I shall try and find out. The really annoying thing is my legs have grown hairs too. Now that means I have to start shaving, damn it. You see its true- for every up theres a down.   And NO sign of my eyelashes returning. I dont care about the hair, I really want my eyelashes back. Typical isnt it ??