Saturday, 30 April 2011

The Common Touch

What a dress, didnt Kate look brill, understated chic. Just shows what the common touch can do and its about time we saw someone normal in that position, what a wonderful incentive for little girls.  At last we could actually grow up and marry a prince. See what being ' in recovery' does- you get to watch all the stuff on tv you would never normally bother with. Have to say I did actually enjoy watching it though.

Today I am going into town with Kieran to buy things for my shed and the garden, we shall have lunch out ( prob fish n chips in Cleethorpes). Then we shall pop into the shop as I am meeting a couple of friends there. Then back home and maybe a walk later. I walked for an hour yesterday which is my PB since my Op, and felt no bad effects. We thought we would go for the 'green lane ' on Monday which is a bit further.

Booby is ok- although a bit mishapen - but hey I thought I'd end up with a hole in my chest so half a booby is better than none - right? Problem is that a lot of it seems to be disappearing under my arm, like carrying a rolled up towel under the arm- but am assuming it is post op swelling and that it will end up back in front of me- who knows?

Anyhow ' Beltane' tomorrow - 1st May. I think I am supposed to get up at dawn and dance naked round the Rowen tree, now THAT would give the neighbors something to talk about ..........emmm maybe !

Friday, 29 April 2011

I dont have Cancer anymore

Had a good afternoon at the hospital. Firstly the dreaded sticky dressing was removed relatively easily by a nurse applying gel. However it left all the sticky stuff on my booby so when I at last got home my Bra had stuck fast and Dennis had to help me peel that off. ( He could hardly contain his excitment) This morning I am still picking off the residue. I am however impressed by how much booby I have left. Its quite a lot, and the scars are very neat- all in all I think surgeon Jenny Smith did a grand job.

Jenny inspected her work and was pleased at my recovery and commented that my suppleness had helped, she was also impressed that I was back walking quite a lot and when  asked if I could start driving she said it was a bit early but because of my progress she would be happy providing I check with my insurance . She then went on to say that my Op was quite a complicated one as she couldnt remove all my lymph nodes as some in my arm were surrounded by scar tissue. That sounded a bit alarming until she explained that it was quite a rare thing and that my immune system had surrounded the nodes and was fighting the cancer itself! Now I believe my body is healing itself because of all the Reiki I have been giving it together with my various meditation/ affirmations clearing the bastard from my body. Whatever has happened Jenny is confident that I NO LONGER HAVE CANCER in my body. ( Her words ) She is confident that she removed all trace of it. I am so glad she repeated that to me as that thought had not occurred to me and it is such a positive statement.
It will now become my Mantra. I NO LONGER HAVE CANCER IN MY BODY.
Of course I shall still have to undergo Chemo and Radiotherapy- to ensure that the Bastard has gone forever and shall not come back. That will be a pleasure and something I shall embrace as a healing process. (Will you all remember that last statement and remind me of this when I am laid flat out by the Chemo.)
My next appointment is May 16th with the deaded Oncologist ( Cancer man) this will be to measure me up for correct Chemo dose and to plan the treatment. I am told that Chemo usually starts within a fortnight of this appointment. What a wonderful birthday pressie. Before then I aim to take the transendental meditation course and have a botox boost so that my forehead shall be as smooth as my scalp. Off  now to see THAT dress ........

Thursday, 28 April 2011

RIP Poly Styrene

Whats happened to the weather ??? Its cold and horrible, I wouldnt mind if it was raining( cos garden needs it) but its not. I hope this is not the start of Summer.

Dennis woke me and told me this morning that Poly Styrene - lead singer with X Ray Spex died aged 59 of Breast Cancer recently. She was diagnosed and dead within weeks. RIP Poly Styrene. Bloody Hell thanks Den - cheered me up no end. Made us have THAT conversation AGAIN.

Anyhow onwards and upwards. Have decided that in memory of Poly and to cheer myself up I need some retail therapy. We shall go into town early so I can return the Body Armour and spend money on things I like instead, then off to see the consultant to get my booby back and have a check up- oh joy!

Royal Wedding tomorrow- will have to see the dress and the carriage thingy- then Kieran is coming round to drag me off shopping for shed things as he is not into Royalty. Thats the trouble with Queens - theres only ever really room for one ....

Wednesday, 27 April 2011

Boring Stuff

Feelin good today, had a nice day yesterday , Kieran and Sue came round for lunch and a chat. Managed to get my bra on which will make me feel a bit more comfy when I go walking, which I have been doing quite a bit of, building it up daily. Now when I say Bra I still dont mean the Madge type ones that I am ' supposed' to wear. Im taking those all back for a refund tomorrow. I mean my old tatty ones that do a good job without all that tightness.

Cant make up my mind about tomorrow. I am back to the hospital for check up and removal of this big sticky dressing. Am thinking the actual removal might be a bit painful, but on the other hand it needs to go as its nipping me in all the wrong places now. Oh well shall take a deep breath and think of England ! I will of course let you know how I get on! I shall endeavour to be brave.

In the meantime still researching meditation type stuff for my Summer of Learning and shopping for comfy things to put in my shed. Have a man coming next week to do the ground work in preparation for the installation, so things moving along in that direction.

All boring stuff today - need to get a grip and get some funny mojo back, shall meditate on that later .....

Monday, 25 April 2011

Bored/ Frustrated/ Rant

Dont you just hate Bank Holidays ? I think I used to like them when I was working, but that seems so long ago.  Today I am sitting here feeling pissed off because I am still very sore and its been a WEEK! Theres so much I want to do and CANT!  I am so aware that once I start CHEMO summer its probably going to slow me down so am like a mad thing wanting to get things done/organised before I get to that point, which could be in 4 weeks.  I cant drive and I'm not sure how long the ban is- I think a fortnight should do it. In the meantime I have decided I would like to learn Transcendental Meditation but if I cant drive it limits my horizions. I have to rely on Dennis ( and dont forget he has only one eye at present), so he's not the most reliable. At the same time we have a shop to staff and its his mothers birthday in the middle of it all!

Decision - I dont care. I am going on that course. This is my SUMMER OF LEARNING and it is important that I stick to my agenda. Good,made my mind up.  Fuck the cancer/chemo thing. I shall be fine to drive as soon as they get this great big sticky thing off my new booby,  which will be on Thursday. I shall get on the website site now and arrange it, and then up to my room to meditate and calm down....

Sunday, 24 April 2011

Happy Easter !!

I hope you have all got lots of Easter Eggs, I got a Baileys one which I shall stuff my self with this afternoon as I am obviously still in recovery and DESERVE the love and comfort that loads of Chocolate brings. Lets face it most of us thinks Chocolate 's better than sex , and sex is definitely out of the question at the moment. I mean how would poor Dennis manage? . He still cant kiss me cause his mouth doesnt work properly, and his one good eye would be looking at my very attractive bandage holding whats left of my booby in place. Ah well - shame - lots of Chocolate it is !! Good job I bought him one as well - I got him a Celebrations one !!!

Kieran and Graham came round again yesterday and I took great delight in showing them my new nubile booby, in fact I am becoming quite fond of it, so much so I am beginning to think I shan't bother with getting reconstructed but get the other one reduced to match ! I shall ponder on that and have decided to do a pro's and con's list to assist my decision - more on that later..

I have also decided not to waste my Summer of Chemo on being sick, and am exploring possible courses I could take. I am thinking that I should like to gain some certificate in Meditation to enable me to pass on the healing that I get from it to others once Winter gets here. Anyhow its just an idea at present but am sending it out to the Universe to see what it brings back to me.

Collette came round last evening and I took pleasure in showing her my Op site - I cant help feeling that this Operation has brought out some kind of exhibitionist in me. I mean I wasnt shy about that kind of thing before, but now it seems to have gotten worse. Bloody Hell, just got a vision of me doing topless sunbathing on Cleethorpes Beach. Think of the headlines - shall be in the papers again- you see I cant help myself....

Friday, 22 April 2011

Devil Rides Out !

Hurrah back home, bloody hospitals - they make you sick !! You go in feeling perfectly normal- within hours you feel like you are 5 years old. They fill you with tubes, wont let you go to toilet on your own, expect you to eat baby food, then keep you awake all bloody night long with their clicky clacky bloody heels. On top of that they have no sense of humour and refuse you alcohol when you ask for it and fill you full of mind altering drugs instead !!  Oh and I forgot to mention I am now the proud owner of an A sized breast and an D sized one. But aside for all of that I am grateful to the staff at Grimsby Hospital they did a grand job.

I hate going under anesthetics - I find it traumatic , maybe its the lack of control. As I went into the theatre I felt quite nervous, and I have to say the guys resposible for knocking me out did nothing to make me feel any easier. Then in came an Angel - she was of Asian origin. The first thing she commented on was my Om tattoo. Then she popped an oxygen mask onto my face and said think of something wonderful and breathe deep. I had prepared myself to do this anyway and immediately took myself off to do Kora around the Stupa at Boudanath - saying the mantra ' om mani padmi om'. Suddenly I heard a voice saying ' lets do one more seesion of Reiki'  and  was aware of being surrounded by white light , then another more earthly one saying 'wake up Bronia you are in the recovery room'. Needless to say I became quite dis- orientated, I so wanted to stay in that white room. It was a very profound experience. Later back in the ward as I was still groggy and beginning to feel quite sick,  I kept my hands on my body doing Reiki, and suddenly felt supported totally by love and light and the feeling that I was totally safe and held within the Universe, that I was precious and loved. It was once again a very moving and profound experience, one one that I can still recall, although sadly it hasnt happened again - yet.Weird I know, yet I thought I have to record it  and share it, as both experiences were so real and unique to me.

Anyhow the Devil is out of my body - next step Chemo. Dont know for sure when it will start. I have to go back for a check up next week and I believe Chemo usually starts within 6 or so weeks. I am preparing for that. I have ordered a summerhouse - I'm calling it my shed. Its quite a large one 10' x 8' and its gonna be filled with all my stuff. I am looking forward to spending a very lazy summer out in it. It is going to be filled with positive energy to counteract the negative side that Chemo invearably brings. From inside it I shall be able to see all my garden and the Universe beyond. I hope you shall all pop in and spend some time in it with me........
 ps thanks Dennis you did a wonderful job covering for me - now bugger off and get your own blog XXXX

Tuesday, 19 April 2011

post-op looking forward

Dennis again
Bronia had a good night and after some sickness due to morphine has made good progress. I visited at 2 and she was cheerful and able to walk around  as I left. Went back at 6.30 and looked even better and again was able to walk out of the ward with me. Being very positive as you would expect.
If she continues to make good progress chance that she nay come home tomorrow - better start cleaning!

Monday, 18 April 2011

Dennis again - it's 4 in the morning sounds like a song title. Bronia back on ward at 9.15 lat night after 4 hrs op. Everything ok according to Staff Nurse on duty. Bronia called me at 9.15 - a bit dopey as you would expect. Sounded cheerful and as she puts it a fully fledged Amazonian Warrior.
I am visting at 2 to 4 later today and will hope to update when I get home


Hi Everybody

This is Dennis trying to keep up the standard of Bronia's blog. Got to hospital at 7.45 this morning and said so long around 9. However she didn't go to op theatre until around 4 and with 3+hrs op and recovery time I cant see her tonight.
Have to call hospital around 8.30pm for update and then will see her tomorrow pm.

I will update blog tomorrow as soon as I get back to let you know how she is-probably be wanting Everest by then!


Sunday, 17 April 2011

Love & Light

Hi Guys - busy getting ready for my big day tomorrow. Getting all those sexy PJ's ready. Dennis will update blog over the next few days so you will know how I'm doing.

Speak soon ....

Thursday, 14 April 2011


Hi Guys,  keep meaning to ask if you can read the comments that you all are posting, I can read them but cant find a way to comment back. Anyhow I just want to say they are profound, inspiring and bloody brilliant just like you lot in fact XXXXX


Ahh back to where my journey began, Whitby. It was here around this time 4/5 years ago that my journey started on  a walk from Sandsend to Whitby, here that I had my emphiphany and discovered that I wanted to follow my healing path. Bloody hell who thought it would end up like this. Anyhow - back to Whitby, had a lovely break, we went up to Holy Island which I decided I would like to visit. Funnily enough just as I was thinking - there is no atmosphere/ energy  here, or is it the 'Heathen' buddist/ hindi in me coming through, when Dennis commented the same. My God is this Reiki 1 manifesting in him ?? Anyhow great place to visit, just dont expect any vibes. Anyhow it was nice to get back there and we have made a promise to be back for the Goths party at Halloween. Suitably dressed of course - already busy planning a super duper fuck off wig to premier !!

Had to come back early to get to hospital to see the surgeon whos hands will be in my body next Monday to sign my consent forms. Now,who's not going to consent?  Anyhow as she was explaining the Op to me I told her not to worry about the cosmetic result - just get the bloody thing out of my body- it does not belong to me, it is an Alien who has not been invited. I think she got the message.  Then she took photos of my boobs for prosterity ( and for future refs when she rebuilds my right one ) Asked me if i minded them being used for educational purposes- I of course said ' do what you want with them'  , may live to regret that one, but hay could be my only chance to get on the internet !! She is really nice and I feel every confidence in her ability, and I know she will do her very best. She thinks I shall be in for approx 3 nights- so shall be out in time for Hot Cross Buns and Easter Eggs, hurrah !! Thank you Angels for sending me lots of love and cherished gifts- Crystals and Meditation CD's goin to hospital with me.......

Sunday, 10 April 2011

Body Armour

Did you know that my name is polish ? Even if you did I bet you didnt know it means Armour. Anyhow I am now the proud owner of a piece of body armour otherwise known as a sports bra. I bought three pieces but have to return two because they are rubbing and chaffing my delicate bits. Now  I'm finding this hard to understand because apparently sports bra's have to be very comfy. I am encased in poly whatever from two inches below my bust right up to my neck- or thats what it feels like. the back strap must be three inches wide. Now I know why I dont do sport !!  I also found out my old comfy bra is one size and two cup sizes too small !!!!  How can somthing that 'fits' be so bloody uncomfortable ? Anyhow back to M & S tomorrow to return said items. Trinnie & Suzanna - where are you !

Thursday, 7 April 2011

Sports Bra !!

Hey isnt it funny- I have to go and be measured for a sports bra- ME !!  Why I hear you ask, are you taking up trampolining again ?? No I am having my boob cut off and apparently I need the support of a sports bra whilst recovering. Weird or what, what is there to support ??  Now usually I enjoy a bit of RT but this, no way. I hate bra's most times and this I find hard to stomach ( I know I am overeacting) but the thought of being encased in armour really does not appeal to me. Anyhow rant over I shall be a good prospective patient and get it over with. Maybe I will get a tassle for my one remaining Nip- that thought makes me feel better.

2 of my angel friends are around tonight, that means copious ammounts of wine and lots of laughs. I intend to show them my new coffe table books, like ' Breast Reconstruction - all you need to know' 'The Boudica Within' etc and we can discuss the pro's and cons of implants versus skin flaps. Oh how things have changed. Its no problem though, I know we shall still have a really good evening- its times like this you really appreciate having good close friends.......

Wednesday, 6 April 2011

CT Scan Clear

Bloody Hell - dont TV programmes give you a mind fuck ! Watching Holby City last night and a patient got his CT scan results almost immediately, only to find he had a massive tumour that was in-operable and that he only had weeks to live. My brain then started to hi-jack me and I started to think that the reason I had not been given my CT Scan results was of a similar nature. I decided I would recieve a letter asking me to go back to hospital where they would give me the bad news in person. Imagine then my suprise when my mobile rang at 9.30 this morning. It was Barbara telling me my scan was clear - well except for the cruddy bits we already know about.
I was so happy I nearly kissed the poor man that had just arrived to clean my carpets !!! Whew , I know its still very serious, and I know I have a fight on my hands but at least I now have a clear run.
Anyhow, the weather is good today and I can spend some time outside in my garden killing weeds and transplanting geraniums and stuff. Boring I know, but I enjoy it and lets face it I wont be doing much else this summer. My garden will become my workplace and my refuge. So am busy doing all the heavy stuff now.

Interestingly, in the miriad booklets they give you, is one on complimetary therapies. Now, my insurance company does not allow me to give a massage to someone with cancer. In this booklet however it clearly states that there is no evidence that massage can spread cancer, and that the relaxation and other benefits really help. Why dont these bodies communicate with one another ?? If as students we are taught not to massage ( unless terminal on the basis that no further harm can be done ) and patients are told they can benefit from such treatments, how can any of us get/ give the treatments we should ??
This is so typical of our society today, one group says one thing and one the other and us poor plebs are in the middle.  Fuck em thats what I say !! I'm gonna do what pleases me and what feels right. I am the Commander in Chief and this is my war !

Tuesday, 5 April 2011


Still no scan results, apparently they havent got them yet, got past panicking about them and now feel resigned to getting them when they come. The Universe shall decide.

Since this all started I have decided that I can take advantage of this new found leisure time and enjoy daily meditations and Reiki sessions. Sometimes I play my CD chants of Chongtul Rinpoche which I loudly join in with, followed by invocation of Blue Buddha, sometimes I play a visualisation or sometimes I visualise my DNA helix and cleanse each strand to rid my body of this crap. I also use this time to send healing to others and to my situation, I find this really helps me to  remain grounded and calm. During my quiet time yesterday I was reflecting on the situation so far and looking forward into the future. I know that I shall emerge from this a different person. I now feel like the caterpillar on my brow, walking softly and quietly towards a chrysalis state. I shall then remain there for a period of time - suspended, vunerable,changing, a very soft center in a hard shell.
Then come next spring I shall emerge triumphant, jubilant- changed. Into what though ??? What will I be, what will I have become. When I at last spread my wings to where shall I fly. What will the world be like, so much will have moved on - Answers on  a postcard please.....

Monday, 4 April 2011

My New Look

Spent a fantastic Friday afternoon with Angel- a , in her positive image clinic, where I had my eyebrows  and eyelids tattoed in preparation for baldness totallity. The initial result was two very large caterpillars crawling across my brow and two black slits where my eyes used to be. Thankfully true to Angela's word three days in and a glamourous? normality is creeping back into my face, imagine not having to apply make up for 2 years, think of all the time that is gonna save me, and believe me I am really begining to appreciate time. We had a good laugh though and its great to chat with someone who has gone through it all. We have even planned for head shaving and wig selection.

Spent the weekend in Norfolk - taking Dennis ( who is still one-eyed ) down to see his 92 year old mother to celebrate Mothers day. She is very frail and beginning to get very confused, but she was glad to see him and we had a nice time. She is in a lot of pain and I tried to help with a gentle massage - old age is very cruel.

As I write this I am waiting to hear of my CT scan results. Barbara - my Breast Nurse said she will call me as soon as they get them. If it is good news she will tell me over the phone, if its bad I will have to go in and get them. OMG the waiting's terrible, I keep running over her saying ' can you pop in on Friday ?'  or something like that, and its real torture. I tell you the imagination is an evil nasty thing. Come on Barbara - hurry up !!!

Soldier on - bought a load more plants for the garden, and plan to spend a bit of time out there this afternoon, provided the weather holds, I need to sort out my border, at the moment it looks just like my eyebrows did.

Barbara - my Breast Nurse gave me a book called ' The Boudica Within ' which is a book of stories and lovely naked pictures of women who have survived this shite and is well worth the read. I had forgotten about Boudica, for those who dont know she was a warrior Queen from East Anglia ( my part of the world) who led the Iceni tribe to battle against the Romans. I think she got as far as London. She was fierce and merciless and single minded in her mission to run those invaders out of Britain. Feels like I need to connect to  my Boudica within and run my bastard invaders out of my body......

Friday, 1 April 2011

A long day at the hospital

Ok here goes, this is my understanding of whats gonna happen. Provided my CT scan is ok, I am going into hospital on the 18th, they will operate on the 19th. They are going to remove my right breast and ' excise' my lymph nodes from my arm and arm pit. I am not having a full reconstruction at this point ( sorry boys) as the radiotherapy could damage the good tissue. So its a funny little contraption thingy and a falsy for a year. After that time I shall have a full reconstruction and a tummy tuck ( look out boys here I come) !!!

At the same time Dennis was in the ENT dept for a 3 week check on his Bells Palsey and they have decided he should have both an MRI and a CT scan to rule out his have a tumour !!! Can you believe that !! He always has to go one better !!!  They also took blood to test for various viruses like Herpes !!

Later I was back for my CT scan, when I arrived I was given a large bottle of a white liquid and told to imbibe it over he next hour ( how long am I  gonna be here??)  When I eventually got to the scanner feeling sick from the crappy white stuff, I was told by the operator that the 10 year old looking trainee was goin to insert my cannula ( whats that?)  I soon found out as said 10 year old told her tutor she couldnt find a vein. Bloody brilliant !! Anyhow tutor stepped in Cannula inserted and they left the room. Going in and out for the scanner was fine, until they said OK we're gonna pump the dye in now. Suddenly my whole body was on fire, I got a weird taste in my mouth and I felt Id wet myself. Talk about panic - Christ , I thought ,they've put in in the wrong bloody vein.!!!  Not so I found out as the 10 year old waltzed back into the room. As I told her of my shocking experience she very calmly replied ' Oh sorry I forgot to tell you about that ' !!!
Got home 8.45 pm if this is a taste of things to come I wonder how I will fit it all in ....