Catch Up

A good friend pointed out to me last evening that I have not posted on this site since March !! Time has flown and many things have happened since my last blog so here goes an attempt to bring you up to speed. I didn't get my Op in July, I postponed it and it will now happen in January 2014.   I returned to Bali and had a quite different experience from last time. On my first night back at the Ashram with Ebu I had some sort of entity enter me and I was vaguely aware of healing a Balinese man who had arrived at the Ashram, brought by his family for healing.  It was an amazing experience as this spirit bent me over double and made my hands go all wibbly, my breathing came in raspy hissing breathes. Once I gave up trying to hold it back and let it come through it felt much easier. When it finished with me I ended up on the floor and when they helped me to the side to get some air I was on fire and felt quite sick. I do often feel sick with energy so I knew it would pass, which it did.  Ebu said it was some kind of Earth spirit who had wanted to heal the Balinese man. It was also my Birthday so I felt it was a gift from spirit for me. I also received a lot of healing from the various healers and had other weird experiences all of which I believe helped me immensely. I came back differently than before. Much calmer and settled and that feeling has continued. I also feel my energy has changed and this is showing in my healing too.  I have no wish to return back to Bali, but I will always treasure the many memories I have and I feel there will always be a little bit of Bali left in me. I got on very well with the American ladies and we all keep in touch via Facebook, our joint experiences create a link that distance can no longer bar thanks to the internet.
I have become a volunteer for Breast Cancer Care UK. I am a one to one telephone support worker, which basically means I speak to other ladies going through similar treatment to my own in an effort to help them face their fears. Its very rewarding work and I enjoy it, although of course it does mean I am continuously re living my own experiences. However I'm OK with that as it means I can help someone else.
Before I went to Bali I created a Ganeshe garden, with the help of my friends which I am very happy with and enjoy the view from my shed, although no the weather is changing I guess there wont be many more days out there this year.
And lastly we have a new edition to our family, A Chihuahua I have called Mindu in honour of the beautiful Tibetan Mastiff I spent time with at the Hotel at the End of the Universe in Nagakot on my first visit to Nepal. He is quite a character and at only 10 weeks old quite a challenge with regard to his training!!
Well I hope that has brought you up to speed. I will endeavour to re start my postings and not leave such long gaps. Oh and I guess I should finish by saying I am still in remission and feeling good !!

Ops

Crikey time is moving on, its been ages since my last post. In that time we have booked a week in Gran Canaria and I have been back to see the consultant that did my reconstruction. He  said I can have as much work done on my reconstruction as I want. I have decided I dont want a fake nipple- why would you ? And will instead have a tittoo, however there is a ridge of skin that is a bit proud and he can work on that which I think would be better. We also discussed lifting the other one. Now I would not bother with this other than the practicalities. Having one much lower than the other makes bra wearing quite uncomfortable. My main concern about all this is that I am not looking forward to another stay in hospitable and another aneasthetic. However he said this work would be done as a day patient and that if I really did not want aneasthetic he could do the surgery using local only. This brings other issues as I would be fully aware of what was going on and he could not guarantee that I would not feel anything, there may be some sensation. Gosh ! What do I do? We have decided this op would be carried out in July so as not to interfer with my Bali plans. I have an appointment with him in May and by then I should have decided what I want done. So more operations !!
In the meantime I am restarting my therapies next week and hoping to be able to restart my life. Of course the old mind fuck thing clicks in ( what if it comes back) but I hear that everytime I arrange something. I have to just shut that out of my mind and get on with it. What other choice do we have? When you live on planet C this is a regular occurance. I am not the only one. There are milllions of us, all living on this planet, with our insecurities to keep us company. Its quite a lonely planet but we get used to it.  However we make the most of it as usual and carry on

Has much is that doggy........

What an interesting week. I am halfway through looking after Kieran's dog whilst he and Graham are on a cruise. And what a lot this little dog has taught me. For months, actually more like 3 years,  I have been saying I want a dog. Not any more !! Not Bell'es fault as she is a gentle cutie, but she brings out the worst in me. Like I cant bear the fact that my lovely cream floor in my kitchen is dirty all the time. Its bringing on OCD !! I can bear the ' doggy' smell that she exudes and the doggy farts that hang permantly in the atmosphere. I am burning incense constantly to try and mask the noxious fumes that make me gag ! So bless her she has done me a huge favour and taught me a very valuable lesson. Having said that I love taking her for walks and we had a really good time at the beach. So what I really need is to find an older person with a dog that they can no longer walk. I could walk it for them and we would all benefit. So thank you Belle and I know you are looking forward to your daddy coming home next week, we will part as good friends and both probably wiser for the experience!! I am a confirmed cat person and it appears I always will be.
Went to see the consultant that did my reconstruction this week. We have agreed to meet again in May when I can confirm if I want a nipple and a brown tattoo, an uplift on the left side to match  my pert reconstruction and a bit of a touch up on my new breast. I have tentativly agreed on an uplift as its a rreal juggling act to get my left side as high as my right. And as I have to shorted the bra strap to achieve this it cuts ointo my shoulder so not the best in comfort. I have agreed to this only if he can operate on me without going through aneasthesia as I can face another mash up like the last time. So he said he could give me a local aneasthetic but I have to accept I may feel some pain and of course will be fully aware of the procedure which will be messy. To me this is preferable to the alternative. He did admit he has never performed this with the patient still present but he was game for it if I was. If we do decide on this I will have the Op in July when I return from Bali. It will take about 1 1/2 hours and  I can come home on the day, so no overnight stay. So it looks as though I will go for this but wont bother with any more surgery. I shall look for a suitable Tittoo design in Bali and have a Tittoo rather than a false nipple and tattoo. Much more me !
 

Getting on

Gosh its been ages since my last blog, well over a week. And what a difference a week makes, I feel much better. My wound has almost healed and I have no pain, just a weird sensation across my stomach and around my belly button. My new breast has been no trouble at all ! I keep forgetting that it too has been operated on, it feels quite natural and I am only aware when I hug someone, because now at last it feels soft, whereas before it was rock hard.  So all in all a good recovery.  Its also good to have less stomach, my clothes look better, now I must make an effort not to put on weight.  This is very hard for me especially as I'm getting older. I run to fat very easily. We have been walking as much as we can but at the  moment the weather is so cold that I have given up for a few days in the hope that it will warm up again soon.
I have been working on my meditation course that I am doing in March and also converting my Blog (yes this) into a book. It has been quite a journey as I am re visiting all my Cancer treatments and experiences, some I had forgotten and am now once again reminded of.  However I am finding it interesting to put myself back there particularly at the painful moments. I can write about and how I felt at the time without it effecting me now. Someone said its like women forgetting the pain of childbirth.  I remember exactly how I felt but more as an observer, looking on with detachment. I am a different person I know, I no longer let things get to me. I have a completely different outlook on life and that is deffinately for the better. As for the future, who knows? Short term I shall run my meditation course, then I hope to get back to work proper around April. We hope to get a weeks holiday somewhere hot and then I am returning to Bali in June with Emma. After that I have no plans as yet, but I am sure the Universe will send me off again somewhere, who knows ?

Happy Valentines

Feeling so much better, my tummy is mending well and I can now laugh, cough and sneeze without pain. Such a relief that it is all over. That said I should go back in to have the 53 year old boob lifted to match and have a nipple created, but have to say at this moment I cannot face anymore surgery. So I am content with what I have. Although I will probably have a tattoo done around both scars. Afterall they tattoo the brown aerolar around the new nipple. I am thinking more of a symbol or a flower though. I send that out to the Universe and see what comes back!!.  Everyday I am feeling stronger and yesterday I drove my car to the Doctors about 5 minutes away and everything was fine, so at least I can be mobile again. And just as I am getting better the sun has at last come out and we are out of the really cold spell for a bit so I can get out walking again. Now I have to slowly and gently build up my fitness. Plans are being made for Bali, it looks as though Emma and I wll be staying on for a few days after the others have gone, so will probably be out there for 3 weeks. This will be a great opportunity for me to once again leave behide my old body and bring the new one home ! Some sort of ceremony shall have to be performed ! And of course I shall recieve healing from the Hindu healers as before,so I am looking forward to that.  Now its onwards and upwards for me. Time to step into the light. In the meantime I have been busy converting this blog into a book, so watch this space .

Recovery

Feeling better daily although obviously its early days. But the fact that I feel so good only one week after my Op I feel is a good sign.  My stomach wound is all scabby as you would expect and I look forward to the time when all that starts to fall off, which should be quite soon.  The only problem I now have is backache, which is basically because I have not been doing anything and laying around. So weather permitting ( its freezing and raining as I type this) I plan to go for a short walk today, which should help.
We had a bit of a crisis yesterday when I took a shower. The dressing covering my belly button started to come off.  Whats the problem with that I hear you say. Well although I am quite happy to look at the wounds on my new breast and the cut across my stomach from hip to hip, I have a problem with the fact that my belly button has been excised from its original surroundings and my newly formed stomach has been stiched into place around it. Nuts I know. Anyhow did bring myself to look at it and actually it looks fine, it certainly feels ok. So I did replace the dressing as thats the only place where I have stitches that have to be removed and they tend to catch. I am very pleased with everything and my recovery. Am meditating daily and doing my usual little practices, so I am in a very good place.
I have an appointment at the hospital on Friday when I assume they will remove my stitches and look forward to getting on the Collagen bed to further aid the healing. Now I can comfortably sit upright I also intend to continue on my book which is making good progress.  And of course continue working on my strenght and fitness. 


 

Thank the Universe I'm home

OMG what a terrible few days. We got to the hospital at 7 am and I was told my room wasnt ready so was taken into a ward and told to wait. After about 40 mins my consultant turned up and started drawing over my body. Then I was told I would be in theatre in 30 minutes ! So all hell broke loose as the nurses rushed to get me ready. So much for a calming meditation, by the time I got to the anaesthetist my heart was doing cartwheels! I had already warned them about my problem with canulation and they knew that the nurses and a Doctor had already tried to get blood and failed that morning so they were prepared with an ultrasound machine. So one of them located a suitable vein on my arm and the other inserted the canular. There he said all done, now lets put in the anaesthetic and off you go. Feeling sleepy? he asked. No I said. Ok give a few moments. Feeling sleepy? No I said. Ok he said Ille inject some more that will do it.By now I was feeling uneasy. In the past as soon as the liquid gets inside me I,m off. But even when he injected the second lot nothing happened. I was still wide awake and by now panicking. What the hell was going on. What if they couldnt knock me out. What if they knocked me out and then I woke up in the middle of the Op? Oh christ I said what are you going to do now? Dont let me wake up in the middle of everything. So someone stuck the oxygen mask over my face and the next thing I knew I was in the recovery room. Operation over they transferred me back to my own room on the ward. I was in a lot of pain and as I had rejected the usual morphine pump they were unable to offer me anything else. I was sick whilst I was on my own so it went everywhere and as they were trying to clean me up I suddenly had the sensation of being strangled. I put my hands upto my neck and felt something hard sticking to it. It was the canular ! Unable to find a suitable vein in my arms the Anaesthetists had put it into my neck and so  for the next two days I had intravenious drips and antiboitics fed through that. That first night was a very long one.  My air mattress failed so I was transferred first onto a normal mattress and then back onto another air mattress when it arrived. The pain of each transfer was huge as they had to push me onto my side and then drag me across from one mattress to another using a board.  They had me on hourly observations which meant I had no chance to sleep off the anesthetic, I had taken my ipod so I spent the night listening to Ani Choylin Drolma and tibetan buddists chants to Sangle Menhla the Blue medicine Buddha. And I invoked all my spiritual helpers and Reiki and then gave myself up to the Universe to take charge. By the morning I was exhausted but beginning to feel a little better although still in a lot of pain. As the sickness had passed I was at last allowed pain killers which made me feel a little more comfortable. My Surgeon arrived and announced that the Op had been a complete success and that it had completed it in record time. Crikey I said does that mean you couldnt do a good job?  Oh no he said, he felt it was one of his best ever and that he finished it quickly becuase there were no complications. He was able to locate all the blood vessles needed to supply the moved tissue and that the vessels were in such good condition they were easy to join.  So how come you say my blood vessels are in good condition but no-one can canulate or take blood from me. Apparently the Chemo only effects superfiscial shallow veins, the ones that really count are OK.  He said he had no doubt that I would make a quick and good recovery as it was clear that I was a very positive person and with that off he went.
I spent two whole days in bed catherterised, which I found really uncomfortable, and with three drains dribbling gore from my insides into plastic bags attached to the bed. The second day was our 21st wedding aniversary, what a way to spend it !  They decided that I should get up and the first attempt was awful. Having untied all the various collecting bags from the bed they got me to sit up. This was no mean feat as the pain involved was awful, not helped by the fact that my left arm was badly swollen and sore from all the anesthetic still swilling around inside the tissue. then very gently I stood up and walked three paces to a chair, once sat I became nausious and very clammy. Got tunnel vision and thought I would faint. Very quickly they manhandled me back into bed. Feeling very disappointed they told me that a lot of patients dont even make it to the chair on the first attempt and that the next time would be better. And it was, by the fourth day I was able to walk unaided to have lunch in the day room. Oh yes havnt mentioned the food. Only one word ' disqusting'. Dennis saved the day by going to the supermarket on his way in and getting me fresh salad, otherwise I would not have eaten anything.  Each morning a young doctor would come into the ward to check on everyones progress. As it was nearing the time for me to leave he decided I should have a blood test. I said to him you are joking, you wait until the canular has been removed and then decide that you need a blood test.?  I told him it would be impossible as no one at the hospital had been able to take my blood only whilst unconsious. He took no notice and a little while later a nurse arrived looking nervious. He said he would have one attempt, and of course went away empty handed. Then later in the afternoon two female doctors arrived. I have to say their bedside manner was awful and rude. After several failed attempts I told them to leave me alone. That night during visiting hours the doctor himself came back and said he would try.  He said in all his years of practice he had not failed to get blood. I wished him luck and said I would bet him £ 50 that he would not suceed.  He tried several times on my arm and hand. He then asked if he could try my foot. Now I have had a canular inserted into my foot when I was rushed into hospital when my Chemo took all my white blood cells and that was one of the most painful things I have had. So I said he could only try if he freezed it first. So minutes later part of my foot duly frozen he started his exploration. Needless to say 30 minutes later he announced he had to give up ! I told him I reckoned he owed me at least £750 which he duly ignored. He then said he would be back in the morning to take blood from my groin. I said no I didnt think I would let him. He said it would be very dangerous to send me home not knowing if I was aneamic. I said I didnt feel aneamic and anyway couldnt tell by my eyes or my gums? .  That night I was quite upset. I felt as though I had been taken advantage of, it was like a personal violation.  One of the nurses came in and I vented it to her. She was brilliant, an ear when you really need one. She reminded me that nothing can be done without my consent and with that, feeling better, we shared some chocolate and had a good laugh. Thats proper nursing for you!.  The next morning the Doctor arrived and said he had discussed it with his Boss and no blood would be taken. I replied ' Good'  as you would not have been given the chance'. I should say that it has been explained to me that one of the only areas left to get blood is my groin. And there are only so many attempts that can be made there, that is really should be left only for emergencies. Later when my consultant arrived he was horrified and gave me his personal apology. He said all they needed to do was to give him a call and he could have told them that I lost very little blood during the Op and therefore it could be assumed that there was no threat of anemia !  I still feel very annoyed about the whole episode, I was punctured at least 30 times that afternoon to no avail. Each attempt is in the least uncomfortable and often as they are jabbing around inside your hand or arm quite painful. What if I was a timid or elderly person, how far would they have gone?
Anyhow I returned home on  Saturday, sore and very tired. Spent Saturday night in bed catching up on sleep. On Sunday Michelle and Colette came around, after they left I was back in bed for 7.30 . Today I feel better although my stomach feels really bloated am hoping that once I finish all the medications that will improve. As for my body, well my new booby puts my old one to shame, all firm and high. I have no pain from it and my right shoulder feels so much better I already have an improvement in movement. My stomach is cut from hip to hip, it is still sore but getting less each day. My strenght is returning. So all in all a good result.

Thank you Universe

Well the Universe works in mysterious ways !! Having been told that my reconstruction would be done in March, I got a letter informing me it would be the 5th February. What a shock , so soon ! However was a little concerned as the 5th Feb is the aniversary of my Mothers death, but not wanting to say no I accepted it, feeling uneasy. Imagine then my surprise when last week in the middle of decorating I got a phone call asking if I could bring the Op forward to the 29th January - this Tuesday !  Thank you Universe for re-arranging, although it really now is a rush to get stuff organised and done ! I had my pre Op assesment on Friday, everything was Ok until it became time to remove blood.  They gave up after 1 attempt, saying the they will get it when I am unconcious ! That is if they can get the blinking canula in to knock me out in the first place.  Honestly this thing about my veins is beginning to drive me crazy. They said it would but itself right after a couple of years, but cant see any improvement myself yet.
The nurse gave me instructions, apparently I will have my own cubicle which will be much nicer for me. The Op will take anything upto 7 hours. I will have 3 drains and a catherter when I wake up. I shall be in a bit of pain and shall be monitored every 30 minutes to ensure the new boob is alive and well. I will have oxygen up my nose and the room will be a constant 26 degrees !! This apparently is to ensure the implant has every chance of survival, the warmer and more oxygenated everything is apparently the better. Hah they dont know about me and my hot blood,  I shall be sweating cobs !
I will have disovable stitches in my boob and stomach but proper ones holding my bellybutton in its new location- ouch !  She said that the first day I will be wishing I had never had it done, but the second day I shall feel much better. So shall report as soon as I can on whether she was right!
I can be in hospital between 3 and 5 days depending on how I recover.
So thats it! Am I nervious? Yes very. Its one thing going to get a nasty Cancer cut out of your body, but its a different thing deciding to get something done that is not life threatening. So yes I am bricking it. However it does seem that the Universe is hurrying this all through and I can only assume its because it wants me to be up for Bali. So once again I am throwing myself on its mercy and going with the flow. Today I have been loading all my spritual music onto my ipod so that I can listen to Om Mandi Padme Om and Ani Choylin Drolma if I feel in need of spirital support. I plan to visualise doing Kora around the Stupa at Boudha as they put me under. I did that last time and it seemed to work well at keeping me calm and open, so fingers crossed. So thats it ! A busy day tomorrow, I have to have a mammogram on the other one, which is my annual one brought forward because of the Op. I wont be able to blog in hospital, but will of course update you all as soon as I am home.
 

Reconstruction

Ok so today I went to Castle Hill in Hull to discuss other option with regard to reconstruction. Met a really nice Doctor - Mr Akali who says he doesnt like temporary implacts as they do move upwards- like mind has and cause discomfort. He recommends full reconstruction with the Mastectomy - job done! So wish I had spoken to him before I had the initial Op. It just goes to show that they each have their own opinion.
Anyhow no regrets that part has been done. Moving on it has been decided that I will go for a Diep flap and the operation will be performed in Hull. Diep flap means that the skin for the reconstruction will come from my stomach ( so I in effect get a tummy tuck). The alternative choice was to take muscle from my back, this is a quicker op with less chance of failure, but as its muscle rather than fat it can develop a twitch ( I know someone with that and its not nice)  and as I intend to keep all my muscles in place and use fat - which is more disposable- I have decided on the less easy option, typical. When they asked when I wanted it I said ASAP as Im going to Bali in June. As recovery time is 10-12 weeks the earliest they can do is March. That will be just about OK, although I told them I am available any time and can go at the drop of the hat if they get a cancellation !! LOL. So now have to wait a couple of weeks to get the actual date. I had to also acknowledge that ladies with cancer and opting for immediate reconstruction would take precedence and therefore it is possible that the Op could be postponed at the last minute. But they would do their best to get me in as soon as they could and its usually within a week, which is fair enough. And so based on the information I have decided to go ahead and book Bali. If I get postponed too much I would have to postpone the Op until I get back- which I really dont want to happen and have done my best to persuade them I need it doing before. Of course I couldnt tell them that I need it before as Bali is the place I go to for healing and leaving crap behind me, they might think me strange, but I have decided to go back to Bali and left it to the Universe to sort out the dates. Thank God I have made a descision !! It has been driving me nuts for weeks!!

Decisions

Thought it was about time I updated my blog. A few things has happened. I have the opportunity to return to Bali in June. However that has been put on hold until I get to Hull on Wednesday to see a plastic surgeon regarding my reconstruction. I have already been back to see Jenny Smith about the Op but on talking it over it appears that her type of Op can lead to hernia and as I still want to be able to massage the other type done by Hull seems to be the better option. That together with the fact that Jenny couldnt do the Op till March- she seems to think I would get it quicker with the Hull option.
As usual because I have decided to get it done, I expect it to be done ASAP. This shall come as no suprise to any of you I know.  So shall wait and see what this guy says. You may wonder why I have decided to get it done, well really its simply that I want a tummy tuck !! HAahah had you all going there ! Seriously its because the temporary implant has gone really hard and has moved upwards !! Yes it has defied gravity, same the other one hasnt. As well as that I am getting really bad cramp like pains in my right arm if I extend it backwards and outwards. I am seeing a physiotherapist tomorrow for this but again Jenny thinks it might be improved by getting rid of the implant. So really the time has come. It has served me well through all my travels, but shall be glad now to get rid of it.
So Bali has been put on hold until I get some idea of the Op date. In my head I had decided that I should have the Op and then go back to Bali to receive healing. To be fixed like I was last time. And to once again leave the ordeal on Bali. As one of my spiritual advisors said ' Bali seems to be the place that you go to for healing and to leave all the bad stuff, like an emotional dumping ground'. And he's right, thats what I want. To have the Op and then go to Bali to recover and leave the bad stuff behind. So I'm sending this out to the Universe, Op first then Bali in June please !
Had a good couple of days in Newcastle doing the last part of the Meduimship course with Simon Goodfellow. As usual met some nutty and some nice people and suprised myself at my Psyhic prowess. Simon is allowing his students to do platform work at his 'evenings' and offered me the chance to do this at his Immingham do in a couple of weeks.  I dont have the confidence to do that so have said  I will think about it.
Have also decided to adapt my blog into some kind of book. Has taken me a while to be able to revisit it without getting tearful. But feel the time is now right. So watch this space......

Planning

So its 2013, we have been having a few lazy days which has been great. You know we all need some 'down time' proper time when we can be quiet and just be.  Oh its easy to find jobs around the house- we have loads- but sometimes its good to get back in touch with the person inside you, with your higher self, thats the part of you that needs to be fulfilled and happy and listened to. Be warned, ignoring that strong clear voice is not good for your health !
I have also been catching up on some reading but also meditating and reflecting on what I am going to do next and listening to that voice. Some of it is out of my hands at the moment as I have decided to have a reconstruction and am waiting another appointment with a different Doctor to sort out when and where.  The date will also have an impact as it looks pretty certain that I shall be returning to Bali in June. This probably means that I wont have a reconstruction before I go as I will need time to recover. So even though I had 'decided' I would have it early this year events have overtaken me and Bali must come first. The Universe has spoken!
As for the rest of my year that again will depend on my Op but we have already been discussing plans, so at least once we know timescales we can plan around them.
As for myself I remain in a good place, in fact its been really nice to spend some time in my home for a change. We have had a great Christmas and New Year. I am looking forward to returning back to work for a bit, although next week I am in Newcastle completing my Masters of Mediumship with Simon Goodfellow, which will be fun. I really would like to get to grips with my Meditation  and Reiki teaching so will be pushing that a bit more.  I am also working on a book, it is coming along very slowly, but nonetheless I am going to complete it. So you see I have quite a lot of stuff going on in the next year, so bring it on!