Nepal here we come

Well its done, we have finally booked our flights to Nepal. We shall go mid Feb and return early March. We will be there for Losar, Tibetan New Year. I am sure that once all the Docs know I'm going they will raise all kinds of reasons why I shouldnt go, particularly that nasty Dr Spensley, who I have an appointment with on 7th Feb. She will definately tell me I shouldnt go. I shall however be ready for her this time. She will not speak to me like she did last time, as I shall just say that we must have a personality clash and that I wish to speak to another Doctor.  I shall be polite. But who cares about that. The good news is we are going. Dennis is really excited - absolutely mad, as he 1. Hates long flights. 2. Hates roughing it. 3.Usually gets a bad stomach. 4. Is car sick 5. Got Bells Palsy on his return last time. And even he cant say why it is that he can suffer all this just to get back. In fact he has been the one pushing to do this. Just like I was the second time. I tell you Nepal has a real effect on people. I have also submitted my second article to a magazine. Would be great to get another one published, but will wait and see. Anyhow having a quiet New Years Eve in, shall go into my shed at midnight and raise a glass to it. And having Kieron and Graham over for lunch on New Years Day. So please have a very Happy 2012 as I fully intend to...

Nan

Aniversary of the death of my Nan. She died in my arms at my home in 1998. Such a shock at the time and it took a few Christmase's to get over it. And of course every 28th Dec is time for remembrance.  She would have been horrified at my diagnosis as I was her baby. I do believe there have been times this year when she was around, keeping a check on me. RIP Nan.

My nails have gotten worse, the blackness has almost grown out but the condition of whats following is awful. They are really dry and they have horizontal ridges running across them like tree circles. The good news is that the new nail coming through looks healthy, but thats going to take months to grow to the ends. My fingertips and toes are still numb- which is quite strange. On a good note though, I feel great. My energy levels have stayed high despite the enormous ammount of food and alcohol I have consummed.  I gave Dennis a Reiki session the other day because I felt my fingers were buzzing. In fact all of me was buzzing. I feel as though certain parts of me have been renewed, and I suppose as Chemo kills off all your cells, they have. ( Cant ascertain which parts feel new as they are inside, hopefully my liver is one of them !)  Spent yesterday working on a new article which I will submit to another magazine, I have got the bug. All in all I am ready to embrace 2012.

Home alone

Well thats it, Christmas is over. Dennis has gone down to Norfolk to visit his mum and I am home alone. Wonderful !! I have work to do- read my new book on hinduism, write another article , chill, watch TV, take a long bath . I think you get it, trouble is I only have two days ( 1 night) in which to revel in this state. And I have house cleaning and ironing to do - pooh. Had a great day with Christian and Collette yesterday, lovely roast beef lunch and great company. Good to catch up with friends over the holiday period- everyone is less stressed and more chilled. Discussed with them all the possiblities of 2012 and now cant wait for it to arrive. I am not normally a new year person, in fact in the past I have felt quite depressed about it, but this year its like, bring it on, hurry up lets get there. Bit scary because on one hand I feel I am wishing my life away. On the other its like wanting to walk- sorry run- towards my new life and get it started, now.
Have decided to get back into Reiki teaching so will start advertising that, and trying to find a venue in which to hold a 'Love Heals' workshop. I shall also do a couple of Dennis's shifts in the shop, which will free him up to do other things. Also looking for new ideas for the shop, so a lot going on under the surface. We will also book flights to Nepal for February and I shall visit Bali with a couple of dear friends sometime in 2012.  I also hope to get a weeks holiday in Turkey with Dennis in June. Whew.. see how busy you get walking on planet C!!

So here it is

Last blog before the big day as I am going to the shop with Dennis tomorrow and we will pop into Cleethorpes for a drink when we close. I have a cold which is annoying and also strange. Its funny feeling ill because of something I have picked up. Lately its been because someone has stuck a needle in my arm. Still not complaining, a little cold wont hurt. I am nearly ready for the big day, just got to clean upstairs. I like the house to be clean and ready too. Not that it really matters as its only  me and Den, but its an old habit.
I am waiting for the kitchen company to arrive. They want to take a picture of my kitchen to show potential customers. Well it does look good. Then a quick clean and then ?? Dont know what to do with the rest of my day. Will have to think about that. Suppose I should go out and get the Christmas feeling. Ah time was when this was all a big rush. Funny how times change eh?
Anyway I would take this opportunity to say a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS to you all and heres hoping we all have a great 2012 !!!

The morning after

Ohh to much champers last night ( can you ever have too much). Good company with friends time passes so quickly. Actually I am starting with a cold, my throat is sore and my sinius's feel full. Great.  Shall have a lazy day to try and recover quickly. Am thinking of getting my hair dyed pink. I quite fancy that, and keeping it short. Only thing is you are supposed to wait for 6 months before putting a chemical dye on it. Why ? I dont really know. Shall get on the internet to try and find out. I mean what could possibly happen? Would it fall out, again?
I shall endeavour to find out and will keep you informed.
Christmas is just around the corner Den and I are planning a quiet one and Boxing day will be spent with Christian and Colette. Then Den is off down to Norfolk to visit his mum who is getting confused and is probably spending her last Christmas in her home. Sad.  Anyhow I have a couple of ideas to keep me entertained while he' s away- like planning what to do next. Updating my website, stuff like that. We should also book our flights to Nepal, afterall we are planning to go mid Feb.....

Happy winter solstice - 365 days and counting

Well its here 21/12/11 one more year to the Mayan prophecy and who knows what if anything will happen. I like to have a party on the shortest day of the year and so tonight four of my freinds are coming round for a meal and copius drinking to celebrate, the house shall be ablaze with light inside and out to welcome the start of longer days to come. Before they arrive I shall light my Goddess candle that was lite from a candle in Nepal on my first trip, from the Goddess temple in Glastonbury. Lovely!

I had a real good chat with David at the Odyssey center yesterday and one of the many subjects we spoke of was the perpetual worry that the BUGGER might come back. Apparently it is a syndrome called Damocles Syndrome ( as in the sword of) so at least I know have a label that I can hang it on. I suppose I am lucky in that I can openly discuss this with Dennis, David and some of my freinds. I guess a lot of people are not able to express these concerns - and we all know what happens with suppressed feelings!!

Anyhow on a more interesting note; I feel amazing. I am bursting with energy. Not so much the physical, although I have much more than before the big C. But its more than that, I guess its spiritual energy. I feel I am bouncing off the walls. According to David this is very unusual. I should still be feeling quite tired following all the treatments I have had.  I feel that I have to get on and do somthing. I have asked the Universe to point the way, so shall keep you informed! In the meantime plans are forging ahead with Nepal trip and also the trip to Bali is manifesting as we speak. Come on 2012- lets get started .......

Welcome back synchronicities

Had a great weekend. Yesterday we went to a carol service in Broughton- which we try and go to every year and then as we were out that way we popped into the shop of a woman we met at the Odyssey center lunch. She stocks all kinds of alternative products from incense to crystals and clothes. We got talking and it turns out she knows loads of local people who are into all kinds of therapies and workshops and healing. She told me about an event held locally in August each year where all kinds of alternative things happen. She then asked me if I would be prepared to give a talk at this event. Never one to say no, I of course said I would be interested.  She was very interested in my Love Heals workshops and of my Reiki classes, so I am thinking that the Universe has decided its time to pick myself up and get back into the saddle so to speak. Its funny because I had a conversation with it about a week ago and said that if it was still interested in me it ought to start showing me a way forward and bingo, lots of potential new avenues to explore.  Great stuff this cosmic ordering.
I have been reading my friend Emma's journal on Bali - www.persoots.co.uk and I cant wait to go, the whole thing sounds amazing and I cant wait to see what Hindu spirit decides to possess me, whichever one it is I sincerely hope it chases any trace of the big C right out of my body, that is if the Universe decides it is the right and proper thing to do. Anyhow I reckon it will be a fantastic journey. In the meantime we still have the Nepal trip to finalise and I can hardly wait for that to happen.  So heres to a great 2012 !!

I,m Published !!!

OMG such an exciting day. We arrived at the Reeds Hotel for the Odyssey Christmas lunch. You may recall I was not looking forward to that, worried that I should not enjoy being in a room with ' Cancer' sufferers. But on arrival I was greeted by the staff congratulating me on my article which had been printed in the More to Life magazine !!  I had submitted the article in July, but had not heard anything so assumed ( wrongly) that they had over looked me. Imagine how delighted I felt to see my article in print. How synchronistic also that an appeal for the Odyssey Center is featured in the same magazine, in fact without that I would never have known I had been printed.  I was also interviewed by the Scunthorpe Evening News about my experience of the center and they took my picture ( not so sure I want that printed). I felt like a mini celebratory by the time I sat down to my lunch. It was FAB. In fact the whole afternoon was very pleasant. If you want to read the article you can sign up for a digital version FOC at www.moretolifemag.co.uk have  read and see what you think- its called ' It began in Nepal'

Christmas Trimmings

Kitchen is completed at last and I am updating this from my new island. The only problem is, having done the kitchen, the rest of the house looks shabby. We deffinately need to paint the lounge next. Dennis is putting on a brave face but I know that he's hoping I change my mind !!
He helped me to colour my hair this morning. I managed to find some natural dye that only needed to stay on for 45 mins, so now I am sporting a redish brown tint on my half inch hair. It was quite funny trying to instruct him on how to apply the dye, but he was pretty good.  We laughed that last time he helped was to remove my falling out hair, and now he's helping my dye it because its growing back. So again the circle has completed.
We went out yesterday and got the Christmas tree. We had such a struggle trying to put it in the holder thingy, but eventually we managed and I got it decorated before we went out for out supper in Cleethorpes.
Its funny but every year as I get out my Christmas trimmings I always reflect on the past year and when I take them down I ponder the year ahead.  Little did my ponderings last year include any of what has happened. And this year as I was decorating I couldnt help but wonder if I shall be taking them out again next year, and I know by how Dennis is that he is thinking the same. But thats walking on planet C for you. Bastard Cancer!!
Tonight I am having a meal with Michelle which I am looking forward to and tomorrow we are attending the Odyssey Christmas lunch at the Reeds hotel. How will I feel being back in a room with other cancer sufferers- I'le let you know.

Into the unknown

Busy weekend, Kieran came over on Saturday and helped me put all the stuff back into my new kitchen, and then we put up our outside Christmas lights. Yesterday Dennis painted my Welsh dresser cream to fit in with the new look. Lets say it now looks distressed !!

Am trying to get information on a meditation teachers course being held next week. Its something that I would like to do as I have found meditation so helpful. It would be really fun to be able to pass on the ability to others, and another string to my bow ! I am aware that I need to pick myself up and get back to living normally, I just have to decide which road I am to take. At present I would like to be able to teach 'Love Heals', Reiki and of course Meditation. I just really need a venue that I could use. I shall put it out to the Universe and see what it comes back with. As for my other therapies, again its a hard one because I would need a space, having converted mine at the shop back into a sunbed room. And I dont want to commit to full time so renting a room would not work either.  So again I send that out to the Universe. Ah the excitement of the unknown.
Off later for a Reiki session at the Odyssey center with David, looking forward to that.

Waiting, waiting. Waiting for the kitchen to get finished, waiting to get our holiday booked, waiting to get ready for Christmas. Patience has never been my strong point. Den is home today and we are going off to Brigg garden center as I want to wander around the Christmas dept, ( Den can have a coffee whilst I'm wandering).  Plus its gets us out of the house, its difficult to get anything done at the moment.  Then tonight as its a pain cooking we are going into Cleethorpes for something to eat.  The kitchen should be finished by Friday- hurray !!

Had a Botox top-up last night so should be frown free for Christmas, which will be a good thing, not that I have anything to frown about. Except the news today has pissed me off. Apparently I have Breast Cancer because I'm overwieght, and drink ( both true), although no-one has mentioned the ammount of hormones I have imbibed over the years, or the ammount of chemicals from foods or cleaning products, or the ammount of stress I have had in the past. No - lets blame it on the wieght and the booze, there my fault. Bastard Cancer !!

Hi ho its off to work we go

Fed up with camping in the Utility room. At last however the kitchen is taking shape and I get to see if all the bits Ive chosen actually go together. So far it appears that they do, however will postpone judgement until I see the finished product.
Spend yesterday morning in the shop- on my own, first time since April. Took the opportunity to trim it up for Christmas.  Enjoyed it although got a little bit fed up with the 'inspirational' thing from customers. I know they are wishing me well and it would be odd if they didnt say anything, but over and over again gets a little wearing. I tried to explain that I'm not brave, inspirational etc, just doing what I had to do to get through. And that I'm filled with cowardice at the thought of it coming back. Anyhow I guess the attention will pass after a couple of weeks of people getting used to me being around again. My very short hair doesnt help as it serves to remind people of where Ive been, again that will lessen as it grows. On that subject, I should say that it is still really soft and baby like. Colour wise its hard to decide as the hair itself looks quite grey, but the overall impression is of dark hair, really weird. Guess I'lle have to just wait a bit longer to see the end product. Had a chat with an old friend yesterday on the telephone. After enquiring about my treatment they launched into a poor me poor me, I,m depressed saga. Now I'm not wanting to be mean, and I know I,ve had my moaning moments, but I just couldnt have that conversation with them. I felt that if I got started on thier favourite subject I might just give them a piece of my mind. For years I have listened, tried to be supportive, but now I find I have no patience left on that subject. I just wanted to say ' its about time you got off your arse and pulled yourself together',  that is a bit mean isnt it ??

Lost another one

God I,m knackered. Nearly finished painting my kitchen, but decided to give up and let Den help me finish tomorrow. Not bad considering I only completed radiotherapy last week. Thankfully no signs of soreness or fatigue. I'm tired but I would be anyway having been painting for 3 days !!  I,ve been working in between the workmen to get the painting done on the basis its better to paint now than after and risk splashing my new cupboards.  Mad I know but I felt I needed to 'do' somthing. Hopefully the kitchen will be completed by end of next week and I can concentrate on more important things like my Christmas party.

Obituary in the local paper today about a 54 yr old woman who has died of Breast cancer. It said she had been diagnosed 3 years earlier, had op, chemo and radiotherapy. Then it came back appearing in her hips and back.  They told her she had 3 years, however she had a siezure and they discovered it had also attacked her brain. She died soon after. Fucking Cancer, I hate it.  There were loads of comments about how positive she was, how she laughed all the way,and how she ' battled ' the bastard. However not intending to take anything away from this lady, I would like to point out that there's nothing like a life threatening disease to make you see how laughable life is. You do start to see the humour in everything and how unimportant things that used to wind you are actually are.  As for' battling', you dont have any choice, you,ve got to say 'Fuck This' and make the best of everything. Its not ' battling' the bastard its surviving for as long as you can. I hate the words, battling, inspirational, brave etc. We're not really, we are just trying to live our lives as fully as we can, whilst we can. Dying is something that we shall all do, this just brings that reality a little closer. Its the living bit thats important making the most of what time we have left...