Home Alone

Have been left on my own !! Dennis obviously feels I can look after myself and has gone down to Norfolk for the night to visit his Mother. With my blessing of course, but he has been panicking about leaving me- I think he is worried that I might relapse if left on my own. Funny isnt it. I am quite happy to be here on my own- lets face it I,m not brilliant company at the moment. I can listen to the radio, meditate, do Reiki on myself, have a long bath, watch a film, all kinds of things without having to hold a conversation with anyone for 24 hours- bliss.
I am feeling better today, although not as good as I had hoped. Although thankfully no sign of the dreaded Thrush for which I am exceedingly grateful
Its just that I still feel really knackered, no energy. My arms ache just typing this. I keep waiting for the switch, which when it happens occurs very suddenly. One minute I feel like shit the next I feel completely energised. I am going to dedicate the afternoon to meditation and visualisation on that subject it in hope it will bring it on. I need to get my life back for a couple of weeks before the final flattening one. Come on Universe give me the energy......

Sleepy Tuesday

I should be working on my webpage but my brains still numb. It is improving and we went to the supermarket this morning and I bought a bottle of Cidre ( this is always a good sign). However I am still really tired. Keep having to lie down and close my eyes. I am still optimistic that this one is not as bad as the last one and that I will improve dramatically tomorrow. If I could just get over this mind blowing fatique I will have cracked it.  Am looking at booking more courses including one to enable me to teach meditation which I shall enjoy doing. Trouble is with all the hospital appointments, radiotherapy etc I seem to have a busy calender- no time to be sick!
Just found out that Grimsby hospital will give me free parking in future- typical as I have nearly finished there, but hey its good news for others in the same boat. Because they are always late in the Macmillan Suite you always end up paying at least £3 for parking and then you have to attend for blood checks etc. It all adds up and if people are on sick pay its must be a great strain on thier finances. So about time Grimsby. Now all we need is for the Humber Bridge to give concessions on Tolls for visits to Castlehill for Radiotherapy and that would also be a great help.  Anyhow politcal rant over- need to lie down and close my eyes .......

Bank Holiday

Am enjoying being able to use my pc in my shed, its so much nicer than being indoors. Hoping that I am coming out of the smog now. Went to bed last night at 8pm and didnt get up till 9am, just couldnt stop sleeping, but this one is not so painful as the last one, some pains but no where near as bad - at least not yet. Although fingers and toes are getting  sensitive and my mouth is disgusting.  Hopefully I can pull round quickly now and get back to almost normal and have a couple of good weeks.
Its really funny because some of my hair is coming back. I have a fuzz on the top of my head thats like a very fine baby hair, but my temples are still bare. Anyhow am glad of the fuzz because my head is getting really cold now the weathers cooling down. I have a little woolly hat that Den keeps laughing at ( ok so it looks like a tea cosy) but no kidding I had to wear it in bed last night as my baldy napper was frozen. I am such a style icon eh ??  Sex on legs !! haha.  Anyhow heres to the last bank holiday of the summer enjoy and raise a glass to me and my countdown to September 15th ....

Chemo Brain

Well here I am in my shed on my pc. Racked with shooting pains from my knees to my teeth. Yea I know it sounds wierd but this stuff shoots around my body triggering stabbing pains that move continually. Anyhow I'l survive, whatever the bugger throws at me. Just hard coping with Chemo brain as I try and type this my brain keeps misfiring and I have to keep going back to rectify stuff. Anyhow only one more after this, and then a holiday and then radiotherapy and then I hopefully get my life back. My new life that is. Havnt quite decided what that will be but I have many thoughts on the subject. It really does depend on my prognosis, obviously. Anyhow we are at the back end of summer, I always think that August Bank holiday is the last real day of Summer. And I have to admit that for once I am not sorry to see it go, to let go of my Summer of Learning and have time to reflect on my lessions, but I'm not complacent as I still have a lot of work to do. As soon as I get my brain back I intend to start working on my website.  Watch this space and make the most of the Bank holiday !!

Poor little pin cushion me !!!

Bloody Hell - took 5 attempts to get canula in yesterday- again. Apparently my veins go into spasm when they get into them. Whatever !! Only one more dose to go, so I guess I can cope. Feelin ok still, but it was Saturday evening before I started to croak last time, so going all out to install my new computer which means I can now work in my shed, having a 'wireless' connection. So here I am in shed looking out at the rain and writing this. Freedom eh?? Anyhow shall start ASAP on my website- which is going to be dedicated to cancer suffers. Although shall not be medical, there are already loads of them scaring people shitless- just looking at the practical side of things and giving tips on getting started on this journey. I also intend that there shall be forums as it is important for sufferers to be able to communicate with others. So really it will be dependant on people joining in. I think its great if you can get online and off load 24/7 about things you may not want to discuss with nursing staff or family. To admit you're scared to people in the same boat could be quite carthartic. As will be the black humour which is bound to pop around. There are so many of us out there, all having different experiences, but to be able to share good and bad stuff with people who get where you're coming from is very supportive. It will be dedicated to all types of cancer not just breast. So again will be dependant on poeple loggin on. Anyhow might be crap as never tried to build website let alone add on a forum. But who dares wins - right ?? Anyhow shall keep you all updated on my progress.  So far all the people in the cancer associated world think its a good idea - just hope I can carry it off. No pressure then ???...

One more to go

Had a great evening with Sue imbibing the last alcohol  for a good few days and putting the world to rights. Am at hospital later today to have a meeting with Val the Chemo nurse and then to have my blood tested to ensure I am strong enough to have the Chemo tomorrow. I have to start taking Steriods today which probably means I wont sleep well from tonight. Oh the joys of treatment. Mind you - theres always someone worse off than yourself. Yesterday I heard from Kieran that Graham's brother has been diagnosed with an inoperable cancer and been told to finish work and get his affairs in order. Poor man what a shock that must be, at least Ive had time to adjust and consider my mortality. Just shows that you should never put off doing something that you really want to do, because sometimes you just literally run out of time and you dont want to have to many regrets. I dont have many thats for sure, and when I finish these treatments I am going to make sure I have no regrets for as long as I remain clear of this bugger. So watch out everyone as I only have one more month slowed down by this and then I'm up and running. What am I going to do, I hear you thinking- well just watch this space !!!!!

The countdown

Had a nice morning collecting Damsons from down our lane, so that I can make jam at the weekend, and looking forward to having a Reiki session with David at the Odessey center at 1pm today.  Later round to Sue's for a glass of wine or two. All in all a good day. Its turned rather cold today, quite a change from yesterday - but thats English summer for you. Have taken a chance and booked a holiday to Gran Caneria in October, which will be after chemo and before radiotherapy. Need to check with insurance company that they are happy with this I suppose, although as I dont have cancer anymore cant see it should be a problem, but we all know how akward insurance companies can be.  Intend to buy a new laptop tomorrow as our old pc seems to have died on us, and with our wireless hub status it means I can spend more time in the shed working on my various projects. This will be very important in the next few days as it means I shall be able to access the web while in my Chemo fog, so no need to waste time feeling sorry for myself.  I can get on with my plans.  Cant help but wonder what delights this dose will have for me, but cant wait to get it as only one more after this......

Soul Sisters

Had a brilliant weekend in Scotland with Suzi and Karen, it was great to catch up as I hadnt seen then for nearly a year. Has an explore around Suzi's land and then discovered that there was a Body & Spirit fair in Glasgow on  Saturday that we decided to attend. We also discovered that Simon Goodfellow was also there and he was doing a demo on mediumship.  It was really interesting and we all got a  few minutes reading from him. We were all impressed. so much so that we have changed our minds about attending a class in London re physic development in favour of attending Simons.
But what I really got from this weekend was confirmation that I am surrounded by a group of woman that are all supporting me in many different ways and its very touching to know. You will know who you all are and some of you have met. Eventually I hope you will all meet and we can have a cracking party to celebrate. It really is comforting to know that I can call on any of you if / when I need to and that you will be there. I have decided that you are all my Soul Sisters and I love each and everyone of you. Yuk cant believe I just said that must be feeling really mushy today. Anyhow a great weekend and now its all downhill to Thursday and my penultimate chemo, better make the most of being able to eat and drink everything while I can as god knows what suprises are in store for me with this next dose. BTW have decided to launch my website for all cancer sufferers and am starting to develop it - shall keep you all posted on its progress... peace and love xx

Next !!!

Feeling much better today, almost back to normal. Had a good day yesterday, went into town for some retail therapy. Firstly into Sainsbury's to buy booze ( always a sign I'm in recovery ), then over to Next to treat myself. Ohh it was lovely to feel normal again. Then a very fast drive home- again part of the recovery process. And now today I have a Reiki session with David at the Odessey center and then over to Cleethorpes to visit a friend who has just finished her shed. What a lovely day. Tomorrow I shall prepare for my trip up to Scotland. I am so excited Suz, Karen and I have so much catching up to do. Firstly I cant wait to hear of their journey to mnt Kaliash, then we  have a lot of chatting to do about our spiritual paths ( which keep crossing). Will be a fab weekend.

Then over the horizon next Thursday - number 5 chemo hit , oh I cant wait

Sick to death

What can I say- this has been the worst experience so far. I havnt been able to leave the house except to go to the docs yesterday as I awoke with a very sore throat. She has prescribed pennicillan and told me to avoid anyone with an infection as my immune system has long gone. I have to closely monitor my temperature as any reading over 38 means I have to ring the hospital. Apart from a sore throat I also have very tender fingertips and the inside of my mouth is really tender all along my back teeth my gums are killing. This means talking and eating ( my only two pleasures at present ) have now become very difficult. All in all a shit week !!  Thrush is under control now, however it is well known that antibiotics can make thrush worse, God I hope it doesnt come back.
I have to make an amazing recovery as I am going to Scotland next week for a couple of days to visit Suz and her sister Karen - we were part of the group on the original visit to Nepal. And they have become very dear friends supporting me through this. I will be so pissed if I cant get there. So  I am going to spend the day healing in my shed. Meditiation, Reiki, Visualisation, you name it, its all going off today. I have to get myself up and about.  Am slightly worried though- if this is the effect one dose of Taxetere has- how am I going to be over the next two ???          ........................

Burning, Burning, cant you see I'm Burning

Bloody hell just get rid of the wracking pains ( which apparently is quite normal) when suprise suprise  I get thrush. However the thrush is not in my mouth no sir not this time. This time it is in the 'other' place. And it is really BAD.  Those of you that have had it will know the mad itch scratch itch cycle that never ends until the burn occurs, followed by itch scratch itch BURN.  Got the tablet thingy yesterday, but unhappy to report it hasnt worked for me, all night waking up scratching. My poor little bits are RAW.  Called the hospital again this morning and they said I needed to get a prescription from my doctore for something stronger. Which has now been arranged, bloody hell what next, its like the seven plagues of Eygpt. Why oh why when I told them I was worried that my oral Thrush would move did they not give my a prescription for that?? Why do they make you suffer unnecessarily?? Because they are SADists thats why !! I think they love to hear about your body functions going weird, they probably have a competition to find the weirdest as a highlight of thier day.
Anyhow enough of my personal problems- I wont even get started on my Bowel problems. Listen to me, I am becoming one of those old dears who moans all the time and who's favourite topic is body functions.  Only another two sessions of this torture to go, and then I will need to start working on repairing the damage the chemo has done to my body. Thats if a have a body left, I certainly dont recognise this one anymore !! ..

What a weekend- not

Feeling pretty weak today. Everything finally caught up with me on Saturday evening, when I developed wracking pains all down my legs and through my back. My mastectomy site is also killing me, really painful.  Spent Sunday backwards and forwards between bed and just trying to get comfy. This morning I feel as though I have been run over by a bus. The pains are not so bad today but my back is killing through in- activity. Trouble is I feel too weak to move but sitting still is making me worse, giving me more pain. Have a bad stomach as well but again thats to be expected. Bloody hell if the Cancer survives this onslaught theres not much point in trying anything else. Today is the closest I,ve come to feeling beaten. Bloody hell two more of these ......

Arrgh its 4 in the morning !!!

Cant sleep, couldnt sleep last night either. apparently its a possible side effect of taking 8 steriods per day for three days. Ah well only one more day to go. How long can you take sleep depredation- Ill  let you know. Other than that my first experience of Taxotare was ok, Having spent the morning meditating and affirming to the Universe that my body and veins were willing and open to receive and armed with just about every crystal under the sun we set out for the hospital. The previous nurse was on duty but thankfully I was called in by a different one ( who had a sense of humour) I told her she had two attempts to insert canula before I started shouting for the machine and she got it in first time hurrah !!  This is not without its own problems, just before I went through a lady that is on same course as me had a reaction to her first dose and they had to administer some kind of antidote stuff. So when I got mine they kept asking me if I had any pain or shortness of breath- thankfully I did not and my body sucked in all the Taxotere without complaint. And presently apart from feeling hyper and cranky am ok. However I have been warned that I will suffer from runs, joint pain and tiredness- well tiredness is a dead cert - on account of my current inability to sleep, and that my immunity may take a dive for the worse at this point. So have to avoid any risk of infection, oh and skin rash may occur after 2 weeks. Any of these symptoms are to be reported to Macmillan immediately.  Other than that only two more doses to go. On a more leveling note, as I sat down they was a lady next to me who we got chatting to, turns out she has to have chemo every three weeks to keep her alive- so far she has managed 12 months of it. After she left a guy sat next to me and he is under the same regime and has been going for 14 months. The lady looked a bit older than me but the guy was 4 years younger. I think the Universe was telling me to stop bloody moaning and be thankful I'm not in their're position- dont you ?.....

All is Well ( in my world)

Alls well in my world, had a good few days mucking around the house. Had the girls round on Friday evening which was brill, then Sunday Graham and Keiran came over for lunch. Had a lovely reflexology session with Colllette yesterday.  And now am planning a quick visit to Scotland to see another dear friend in August. Yes I know I said I wasnt going anywhere in August but this is an unexpected suprise and I'm really looking forward to it.
Have completed my first attempt at a magazine article and shall be sending it off this week, so may get something published - who knows ??
Going to do a bit in the garden this morning and tomorrow I have a Reiki sesson at the Odessey center followed by an appointment at the Macmillan suite to discuss Thursday and my blood test. Yuck
Then of course Thursday itself- what a bummer !!! Just get to 'alls well in my world' and then have the dreaded Thursday.
Ah well as I am living in the NOW Thursday is a bloody long way off.  So off to the garden ....