Monday, 29 October 2012

Eureka !

Yes I have it ! Just as I was saying that the Universe was ignoring me and also saying that I wanted a ceremony of gratitude in Thailand, it happened.
Dennis opened the Sunday Times travel supplement and there was an article about the forth coming Buddhist ceremony in Thailand called Loy Krathong. Its a ceremony to thank the water goddess Phra Mae Kongka and takes place on the 28th November ( our last night !)  Apparently on this night all Thai's make thier way to rivers or the sea after dark with offerings called Krathongs which sound very similar to the offerings on Bali in that they are made from banana leaves or coconut shells and contain flowers, incense and candle's. The idea is that this little boat is floated on the water and you give thanks and make a wish. Ideally for it to work the candle must remain lit until it is out of sight. The other interesting fact is that the water goddess is adopted from the Hindu tradition where she is given the title of goddess of the Ganges. Perfect, a lovely mix of my two favourite cultures/ religions and  the way of offering is now very dear to my heart ! And how amazing is it that this is on our last night, we shall be in Bangkok and shall be able to make our way to the river. Thank you Universe you have provided me with the perfect way to show my gratitude, I cant wait- the syncronicity of this is complete verification that we are going to be in the right place at just the right time.
On a very sad note it appears that Bernie Nolan ( of the sisters) has announced that her breast cancer has come back after 3 years, and having been given the all - clear. It has spread through her lungs, liver brain and bones and is now incurable. Bastard, bastard disease.  Now you know dear friends why I am not prepared to hang up my travelling boots, not yet.

Friday, 26 October 2012

What a difference a year makes ? !

Whew what a week ! One of the girls is on holiday so Dennis is covering the shop.  I have had a  Reiki Master class for 3 days. I love teaching Reiki, its really fulfilling, but can be quite tiring as my mind must be fully present for 3 whole days, which is quite a record for me !!
Still trying to come to terms with my ' all clear ' and wondering why this has caused me this slight upset. Can you believe I could be upset with an all clear  ? I think its the old ' mind fuck' thing doing my head in. I just dont know what to think or do. Its one thing thinking your life is ending and something completely different to think your life is just beginning. Please dont get me wrong, I am ecstatic and keep smiling to myself ( like an idiot), its just that I suddenly find I have no plans. I simply dont know what to do next. The Universe seems to have abandoned me, I have no direction, although as Dennis points out I will probably get something in Thailand, but I hate being in this no- mans land. One thing I do know is I do not want to go back to how things where. Dont get me wrong my life was fine before all this started, but being re-born is such a waste if you dont do something with it. Although again as Dennis points out if I decide to have a reconstruction next year thats 3 months out of the equation. I think I must just be suffered pre travelling syndrome, I hate the lull and the rush ( because I always get both) before I travel.  Maybe Thailand will give me the opportunity to mull over the rest of my life ( whatever that may be), and hopefully I shall return with some answers, but who knows? Last year at this time I was looking forward to a week in Gran Canaria having been told I shouldnt go and bring radiotherapy treatment forward as I had an ' agressive' cancer, now only a year later I'm off to Thailand cancer free.  How do you make sense of that ?
Enjoy the weekend and dont forget we get an extra hour in bed tomorrow night !

Sunday, 21 October 2012

All Clear

God its been ages since my last blog, but I havnt really had much to write about, until now.
When I saw my Oncologist I asked if I could have a CT scan as I havnt had one since my diagnosis, so one was arranged and I had it a week ago. It was not easy because of my unco-operative veins but eventually after a lot of faffing around the scan was done. Then comes the wait, part of you is happy that you dont have the results yet, the other part is going crazy. Eventually I found out by phoning Barbara my breast nurse and she told me that apart from a small cyst in my kidney ( which apparently a lot of us have) I'm clear of Cancer! What a shock, cant tell you how I felt, I dont know what I expected to hear but that was totally mind blowing.  I AM FREE OF CANCER, if I say it enough I will believe it. Its the exact opposite of when I got my diagnosis as then I had to keep saying I HAVE GOT CANCER, to make myself believe that. What a mind fuck ! Such a journey ! Such good news- but I dont know what to do with it !  Its like the diagnosis I can tell everyone and receive their love and support, but no - one can tell me how I feel. Even I dont know how I feel, its bizarre! 
Of course its not the end of it, I have not received the all clear, but its a battle I have won even if the war is still on. And it could have been so different, right?
So what to do now? Well we are off to Thailand in a couple of weeks, so busy getting things arranged for that. We have decided to have our Christmas lunch out, so have booked that. But what about a big thing?  Surely there should be some sort of momentous decision or some huge thing to mark the occasion?
I am going to have a little ceremony of gratitude, probably in Thailand, somewhere beautiful. I guess on the beach as we did in Bali when I said goodbye to the big C. I dont know what or how it will be I guess that will come. But a ceremony is in order to say a huge big grateful thanks to the Universe for getting me this far. But for now ' thankyou who/ whatever you are, I couldnt have done it without you' XXXXX

Thursday, 4 October 2012

Back home

Back in chilly Blighty, and back to work. Loads to do as always, as well as prepare for winter and our trip to Thailand. I had an appointment with the oncologist before I went to Spain. He is a man of very few words. He just asked me if I felt ok or had any problems. When I said no I feel fine he just said ok we will see you in a years time, unless you feel unwell or get another lump. So I said arnt you going to scan me then? He said ok if you want a scan we can arrange that. I said well I would like to know I,m all clear at the moment. So I have to have a blood test ( dont know why) and then they will arrange the scan. I was hoping I could get it and have the results become I go to Thailand. But dont think that will happen. Ah well the Universe will decide that.
Had a little time to think in Spain and have decided to go and have a word with Jenny Smith my consultant about having a reconstruction early next year.  I did say I didnt really want one and I' m still not 100% convinced but I am having a few problems with my implant and I guess it will only get worse. So I have decided to speak to Jenny and get some more information and to find out if it would be possible to get it done straight after Christmas, on the basis that it I am going to be out of action that is the best time of year to do it. So will keep you informed.
Thats it for today, now off to the Odessey centre for a Reiki session with David.