Whew

Whew what a scorcher. Am in my shed with curtains across the door keeping out the sun, unbelievable.
Front page of Grimsby Telegraph is reporting on the death of a local women who had been fighting breast cancer for 3 years - it reapearred in her liver. She was 33 and had done loads of fund raising since her diagnosis. What a waste, this fucking disease is so indescriminate. So it appears is the success of the treatments. Its like a lottery. Still you have to be in it to win it !! And I'm deffinately in it. Have a C T scan over in Hull on the 17th October to prepare for the radiotherapy when I get back from my holiday. Before that however is a blood test on Monday to check my progress- which in view of my recent problems I am not looking forward too. Still apart from that I am feeling stronger and much better. Have done a little painting on my shed today ( just finishing off bits - Den did most of it last week) and felt ok although I did lay down for a rest afterwards and fell asleep !! Still, will get a bit stronger every day until I'm up and running which hopefully wont be long.....

Back in Land of Living

Well what can I say ?? I was soo pleased that I had finished chemo. Soo looking forward to a few weeks of normalcy when BANG the Universe decided I needed bringing back down to earth. And what a way to do it!! Woke up feeling very tired last Wednesday but put it down to all the effort put into selecting my new boots. However by Friday felt really fatigued. By the late afternoon felt very unwell and discovered I had a temperature. To cut a long story short I ended up in hospital with a really low white blood cell count. This is not unusual in Chemo treatment, but I had thought I had gotten away with it. The thing is the fact that white blood cells help the body to fight infection so a low count leaves you at risk of being unable to fight off any infection that your body comes across. So I ended up with a temperature of 39.1 and a really bad cold. I have spent the last four of five nights on the A1 ( cancer ) ward in a room on my own. It was a nice comfy room with en-suite and TV etc, and all the staff on the ward are brilliant. Unfortunately as you are all aware my body does not like having canula's etc inserted so that has been a bit of a nightmare. I started off by having one inserted into my foot ( that was so painful I cant begin to tell you) in Resus. Then after that failed because the veins in my arms kept collapsing there was a decision made to insert a line into my neck. I have since found out this does come with a lot of problems. Eventually thank God a young doctor managed to get a canula into the back of my hand. This was to enable the insertion of anti biotics into my body to fight off the infection. I can happily report that the drugs worked and I am now back home in my shed, a bit tired still but feeling a whole lot better. I would like to say a big thank you to my friends for visiting me. It does get very boring when you start to feel better, so a visit from a friend does help to pass the time. And a very big thank you to all the staff on A1 for enabling my recovery. So onwards and upwards - a few days readjustment and then back out into the world. Hurrah !!

news from A1

Dennis again. Bronia still in hospital and seems very comfortable in her en-suite quiet hotel room although I'm pretty sure she would rather not be there. Still having IV anti-biotics plus injections to get white blood cells inreased - temp not settled and as no doctors around on Sunday no news on when she gets her release papers. As you can imagine Bronia starting to get restless and looking forward to getting back to normal.

back to hospital

Hi everybody Dennis here with an update as Bronia is back in hospital. Thursday night and Friday Bronia really tired, sore throat, ulcers and then pm Friday high temp. Hospital told her to go to in immediately as temp over 38. Got to A & E about 6.45pm and had to endure 30 mins surrounded by sick people.Put in resus room and eventaully a very nice dreadlock regae reggae doctor managed to get a line into foot and started IV anti-biotics as temp was now 39.1 and doctor very concerned. Bronia spent night with very little sleep in ward and them moved to A1 which is cancer ward. Happy there as she has own en-suite room with tv but no mini-bar!
Went to see her yesterday evening and seemed much better - white blood cell count very low so means very susceptible to any bugs or infection so given injection to help raise this count plus still getting anti-biotics. Think she will be in hospital for hopefully only a couple of more days. Thanks to Caroline for helping Friday and to Sue for her help and everybody for their good w ishes. Will keep you updated on progress

Retail Therapy

Feeling so much better. Ok so mouth is all peeling inside and think I might be getting an ulcer, I still have the ' runs' . But I am feeling good !! Whooo hooo

Den and I went into Grimsby this morning and had a wander around the shopping centre. Went into Binns for coffee - the coffee shop opens onto the shoe department. This is great because I was able to leave Den drinking coffee and reading newspapers while I wandered around looking at my favourite things- Boots. Now I dont care  much for shoes but I love Boots. I have several pairs in my wardrobe that I cant walk in and dont wear anymore and I will send them to a charity shop. But I didnt want to leave a big gaping space in their place as it might cause me some kind of boot shortage anxiety and I have to avoid that at the moment .  So whilst Den took some well deserved relaxation I wandered around the department. I picked up all the boots I liked and stroked them and felt them and when I was ready I gave the assistants details of the boots I wanted to try on and the colour choices ie if they came in brown and black to bring both. Soon I was in heaven- surrounded by soft supple leather in all the colour combinations. My legs were encased in all kinds of styles as I paraded back and forth between the coffee shop and the shoe department so as to get Den's expert opinion ( well just to let him feel included) as I judged each boot on its merit. I was so happy, Dennis was happy watching me in my favourite pastime. The assistants were happy too as I was their only customer and it made me feel glad to give them something to do in an otherwise boring morning. Sending them back and forth into the bowels of their storeroom to emerge minutes later with yet another heavenly opportunity in leather for me to appraise. And so it went on until all options were exhausted.  And then as with all highs- came the low, which should I choose ? What colour ?
Ah to hell with it I'lle take two pairs one in each colour!
What a morning- Chemo Fog vanished for all time by the best therapy of all - RETAIL !!

What a Bitch

Hello everyone- I am back in the land of the living. Having had awful joint pains - like someone knocking nails in my ankle's and knees and having a brain that was pratically paralysed, I am pleased to announce IT HAS PASSED !! Yipppeee now the only way is UP!! I am finally being released from this 3 weekly HELL.

I am making a fuss about this because I had an appointment today with Ms Spensley the Radiotherapy person. What a Cow !!! You may remember that Dr Butt the Oncologist has said that this lady would not be happy that we had booked a holiday. Well she wasnt.  We didnt get off to a good start because when she asked how I found the chemo and I laughed- she made the comment that my laugh sounded hysterical ( I didnt think so but hey, Chemo brain). I found this rather a strange comment but ignored it and carried on saying it had been very hard but I was relieved to be finished etc etc, and concluded by saying I was really looking forward to my holiday. Her face changed and she asked when was it for and where and when had we booked it. I gave her all the details and she literally spat at me - who said you could have this holiday?? I said well everyone told me I would have to wait 5-6 weeks for radiotherapy and it would be ok - she then spat- who said that?? I then said everyone else knew about it and they were all cool,what was the problem?? She literally leered at me and said ' you have a grade 3 triple negative ( dont like the negative bit) aggresive cancer, this is serious' I said yes I know its serious, I ve just been through months of hell, Dr Butt said I dont have Cancer anymore, Jenny Smith my consultant said a holiday would do me good. Everyone said I would have time between the treatments to have a holiday so I booked one. Well she went off on one saying its her job to organise the radiotherapy and no one else should be giving me wrong info. I said they need to speak to each other and decide the time scales and tell the patient in good time, as all the Macmillan info says ' they will accomodate holidays around the treatment' She practically called me a liar, had a go at Dennis who asked whether the delay would effect my treatment, saying she couldnt confirm that. She even told me I would have to have 4 weeks of treatment- I queried it because I was told 3. She let rip again. Eventually she realised it would only be 3 weeks and at least apologised for that. She then calmed down a bit and asked if I would be prepared to have the radiotherapy before my holiday. If we started right away it could be done. Dennis seemed to think this would be a good idea and before I knew it she was on the phone to Hull to see if it was possible. Now I do applaud her for that, but whilst she was holding she said the treatment would give me more fatigue, that I wouldnt be able to swim on holiday and that my breast would probably peel and be too sore to wear a bra.   That said, Hull confirmed they could fit me in. Hurry she said- tell me know whilst I'm on the phone- are you going to do it.  I looked at her and I said No thank you. There is no point in my going on the holiday in that state- I may as well forget it. But I am not going to do that because I have had enough for now. I will have a rest go on holiday and commence radiotherapy on my return and take my chance - thank you very much!!When seput the phone down I said that she and all the other departments should get together and decide the procedures, write them down and hand to patients when they are first diagnosed- if it is decided there should be no holidays tell them at that point, not wait until it too late. But for now I would take my chance as I need to get away from all the treatments for a bit and if the cancer comes back it comes back. Wow talk about being treated like a child. I will also add that somewhere in the conversation she asked if I had any other medical conditions, if there was breast cancer in the family, if I smoked or drank. When I said no to everything but drinking she askd how much - I said oh loads though cut down through Chemo. She then went on to say there was a deffinate link to cancer and alcohol. I then said yes but apparently the fact that I'm under 5'6" should help outway that ( recent research found ladies over 5'6" were more at risk). Now I know I was being a bit pissy at that, but it was like if I had said yes to any of the other questions she would have blaimed those. I am not looking for a reason- never have. Its irelevant. Why waste energy on asking the why's and where for's??  Nobody knows for sure. All I know is that I am not going to put myself through misery and hell asking these sorts of questions. Nor am I going to give up living.  When I got out I ran into Barbara my breast nurse, apparently Ms Spensley has a reputation. When I told Barbara about the holiday she didnt seem concerned at all, she said she couldnt see the problem. I think this lady has a problem and I do feel inclined to complain about her behaviour, but Ill think on that.   Now back to living-  wheres that bottle of champers ...........

Chemo Fog - last one !!

Well, didnt get out of bed until 11.15am  today, having had a good night. Now in shed catching up with my busy media life, and then putting my feet up for a restful afternoon. Have recieved first posting on Cancer Community wall, which is nice, but feeling the responsibilty. Am determined not to post ' I will pray for you' or anything of that nature. Preferring to inspire people do something and make the most of the situation without getting too bogged down with praying. I personally think people should use this time to reflect and plan the rest of thier lives. However long or short, and lets face it some lives are very short. Better a short life full of quality than a long one bogged down with regret. Thats just my opinion.
As I type this I am looking down at my legs and have noticed A HAIR on my shin. Just the one but its about 1/4 of an inch long !! In fact on closer inspection theres more than one !! OMG is this the start of becoming hairy again ??  At the moment it is effecting my right leg only, but I guess the left one will catch up in due course. You see how quickly everything tries to return to normal?? Anyhow not too bad  in the Fog yet. But a few more days before I can safely feel I'm out of it for good

I am Safe !!

Had a really really good sleep last night, so have woke up with that hung over feeling you get from sleeping deeply but feel I have caught up a bit on the night before.

Last chemo went ok. Canula inserted on second attempt. They warned me it would hurt as they had to stick in right in the side of my wrist ( the only place they could find another vein.) Thankfully it worked. Although I have to question wether it was the fact that my bra was stuffed with smoky quartz and the Mica that Emma sent to me that got my body ready to accept. It does seem strange that the only time it went badly was when I forgot to use them. Well only the Universe knows the answer, but whatever it was I was very thankful. I am also very thankful thet I have had no side effects whilst the Taxidere was being inserted. The lady that has been along the same treatment as me went into some kind of toxic shock again yesterday and they had to stop the treatment and give her oxygen as she couldnt breathe and went an awful colour. After a rest they started it again and it was going ok when I left. But it just shows again how lucky I have been so far. But is it luck ?, or is it that I feel supported and nutured by a far greater energy that is guiding me through this and helping me. So far I have listened to and followed the guidance provided and somehow I am getting through. I do fundamentely believe that the Universe has everthing in order ( whatever it may be ) and that I am safe. There is no need for to push forward at the moment. My job right now is to rest in the nature of myself, heal  and prepare for the next task the Universe presents me with............ trouble is I cant wait !!

Oh what a night !!

Steriods kept me awake last night. I was in the office at 3 am doing my new facebook page- cancer community. And I hope to follow very shortly with a social network page complete with forum and sale items!!  Still I have been putting it off for ages as I couldnt decide on a name and then in the middle of last night in it popped. Just had to get up then and create it. You see everything in our world begins as a thought and then we create our reality. Think about it. Everything we have or use began just as a thought in one persons head.  You do it all the time, even your dinner begins as a thought. Just ask and it is given, Cosmic Ordering- try it.

Last chemo today hurrah. Not looking forward to canula insertion as it took 3 attempts to get blood yesterday. But knowledge that this is the last time shall steel me in readiness. Am so knackered after last night I shall probably fall asleep anyhow.

Then just a matter of time to see what delights it has in store for me. Hopefully not too many suprises and then ONWARDS AND UPWARDS !!!...

Thank god I am not alone

 Had a great day yesterday- my Reiki session threw up some rather interesting stuff, I suddenly found myself speeding down a gilded vaulted tunnel towards a big gold door. David ( my Reiki therapist)  and I both came to the conclusion that the door represented my future, or metaphysically in buddist traditions the door represents the third eye, so it could be interpreted that I am ready to open psychically. Bizarre really as I keep getting told that. Also a very dear friend sent me a crystal that is of the Mica family and according to my Crystal bible Mica opens you up to spirit. So been told twice in one day.

Then last night I rang a local company and the owner answered. I had seen her about a month ago in the Macmillan suite and obviously we both had no previous idea of our conditions until then.  Before we got down to business I thought I would enquire how she was. At this she burst into tears and told me that it was terminal and that she was not feeling very well. She was on her own so I asked her if she wanted company, but her daughter was on her way. She kept apologising but I told her to let it all out and we had a little chat as she cried. Somehow I found this very upsetting and I was still crying as Den came home, I suppose I really could identify with her fears and her pain. If fact just reading this back has made me cry !!! Anyhow I have rung her this morning and she is feeling much better, which has made me feel better to. We have agreed that she can call me anytime she wants and have a cry or a rant or whatever. And that we shall meet up when we both emerge from our chemo fog in about 2 weeks.

Dens day off so a spot of lunch then off  to hospital for blood tests ready for tomorrow- just hope they can find the vein this time !!

I dont have Cancer anymore !!

After waiting an hour in the Macmillan suite yesterday, I eventually got to see Dr Butt my oncologist. Nice man but very difficult to understand him. Anyhow he asked me if the Chemo was better or worse than I thought it would be, I said it had been better. Then he asked if I had any problems I said no. Then he said I didnt need any pills ( as in Hormone treatment) which I already knew. He then said I do not have Cancer anymore. I then told him I was going on holiday in October to which he responded can I change it?? Why I asked ?? Was there a medical reason ?? He then said no but it would interfere with my radiotherapy. I said no it wouldnt as I was told it could take upto 6 weeks between Chemo and Radiotherapy. And anyway as I dont have cancer any longer would a weeks delay make any difference?? He then said ok and that he would send me an appointment to see him in the new year at which point he would discuss when I would get scanned. I said why do I have to wait so long. He then repeated you do not have cancer and at this point you are far better than when I first saw you ( pre Chemo). I could disagree with that.  All in all this took 10 minutes maximum. It cost me £ 3 to park and took over an hour. We could have had that discussion over the telephone!! No wonder the NHS has no money !!
Anyhow its official I dont have Cancer anymore and they obviously dont expect it to come back before the New Year.
 I should get Dr Butt to speak to HSBC's insurance scheme as they put the facts into thier computer yesterday and the computer said 'no' it wouldnt cover me for any Cancer related problems whilst I'm on my holiday. It would cover me for say a car accident, but not for any Cancer related problem. Well thats no problem cos I dont have Cancer anymore - Get it ??

Haha its a funny old life isnt it. Anyhow off to the Odyssey center for Reiki and then a relaxing afternoon in my shed, meditating and reading my lastest book a Compassionate Mind. Its a good life at the moment,will I ever want to work again ??.....

Hospital Week

Got appointment this afternoon with Dr Butt my Oncologist. Apparently you have to see him as you get to the end of chemo. Great that means another hours wait in the Macmillian suite. !!! Then again on Wednesday for blood tests, then hurrah Thursday- bloody last one !! Lets just hope my veins respond favourably this time and dont go into spasm or try to hide deep inside my body. Not that I'm stressing about it already ??!! Have a load of questions for the Dr this time. Last time I really didnt ask anything ( it was like why ask and stress, just take it as it comes). This time with Chemo nearly behind me I shall be asking more about my cancer type, prognosis, recovery etc. I feel it is now important to face the bugger properly. Though I am slightly apprehensive about what I might hear.

Still feeling quite weak I have to say. Den and I went shopping yesterday afternoon, and I was exhausted. Just walking around Tesco. How pathetic is that ?? Am concerned about the toll this last one will take on me. Last time I slept and slept. So discounting the next week and a half as I assume it will be much the same. I just hope this weakness goes quickly after the chemo leaves my body as I have loads I want/need to do.  Anyhow that is in the lap of the Universe, theres not much I can do just settle down and ride the storm. Have contacted HSBC who supply my travel insurance, to declare whats happened. Thier computers are down and am waiting for a call back.  This will put thier service to the test, if they will not insure me I shall downgrade my account as I am paying £12 pm for this facility, I may even transfer all my accounts to another bank. We'l wait and see ....

Dread ahead

Lovely busy few days, but I am exhausted. I seem to have no reserve energy at all. Just walking around tires me out. Its very frustrating. My eyes are still watering all the time-  this is a side effect, together with nose bleeds and my tender fingers and toes. Still what can be done?? Nothing apparently but I am told these will go after I have completed the treatment.  Such is the joy of chemo. Last one on Thursday. I do however feel very apprehensive, because the Fatigue will only get worse before it gets better. And I cant help wondering how long it will take to get over it. I already feel as if I have no blood in my veins just water, so the prospect of having to go through it one last time fills me with dread. Anyhow enough with moaning it has to be done. So roll on Thursday and to hell with it!!

Last night of the Proms tonight. Am having a bottle of champers as I listen.This is also another marker for me. Summer is definately over and Autumn is on its way. Actually it is, we have a lot of windy weather approaching, a hurricane from America. We shall have to batten done the hatches.

Saw a lovely picture last night of a meteor going past the Glastonbury Tor- how special is that ?....

Domestic Goddess

Been really busy making Picallili and Damson Jam. Seems funny preserving things - you have to assume you are gonna be around to eat them. I do enjoy doing it and lets face it I have time this year. Plus its therapy. It gets me off my butt and doing something. However I should be spending more time on my various projects. This is becoming harder as I am counting down the days to next Thursday, and I am finding that I am busy getting out and about. I think this is because I know I shall be confined to barracks for at least another week once I have it. So you find you do have to catch up with practical things and also spend quality time with friends while you can actually enjoy it. Still LAST ONE!!!

Am going over to Matlock tomorrow to visit John and get my Transcendental Meditation checked so that shall be a nice day. And today I am going to the Odssy center for a Reiki session which I shall enjoy. So you see, no time for work.

I do feel that something is occurring.  Some of my Soul sisters are deffinately blossoming and expanding their healing energies. Its great to witness thier confidence growing and growing. I cant wait to see where this shall lead us, its going to be a great journey- I know .....

Autumn- mellow fruitfulness

Had a great evening with Colette and Christian, its always lovely to catch up. Then yesterday we went to Louth for lunch and had a good look around. I am feeling a bit stronger now although I seem to have developed weepy eyes. They've been like it on and off for a while but now it is a permanent problem. It s most annoying and is making my eyes sore. I have no idea why its happening and it plays havoc with my 'slap', plus it makes me look like a right Muppet. My nose its also ungoing some sort of internal cleansing as it is still bleeding, and now seems to alternate between being totally bunged up and running like a tap. I guess these symptoms are just the taxodare finishing off any mucus producing membranes that got left behind last time. My fingers and toes are still tender plus I have noticed my nails have become discoloured and weak. Apart from that I am Hunky Dory !!!!

Real stormy weather today so have decided to make quiche to freeze and make a start on my picallilly.We have a glut of veg and the plum tree is full. The season has changed and it is a time for gathering and storing and preparing for the long Winter ahead. Autumn is generally a time for reflection and this for me really is. I have learnt so much this SOL. About Spiritual matters, Cancer, Chemo, but more importantly about myself. My own strengths and weaknesses,. It does seem appropriate that my Chemo is coming to and end, like Summer and that I shall enter my Autumn of treatment, in which I am given a rest and time to prepare and store my resources ready for the final onslaught of Radiotherapy in November. Then hopefully I shall have the Celebration of the winter Solstice followed by Christmas. I would like to enter 2012 knowing I am clear of this Bugger. That would really give me something to celebrate !!!.....

Sunday, Sunday

Soo tired after yesterday. Keiran wouldnt take no for an answer so we ended up cutting the hedge and trimming back a few bushes. I was'nt much help and Keiran is a man mountain, but I did a bit. I can feel it this morning, so have retired to my shed with the Sunday magazines, and I shall rest a while.
 I have a rather large Ulcer on the side of my tongue, just where I had the last one, which is a nuisance to say the least, and a nose that keeps bleeding slightly. The nose thing is new, although last time it bled a little. This time round its bleeding a bit more. Hopefully it will stop soon as we are going round to Colette's and Christian's for dinner and I dont want to put everyone off thier food. Ah the joys of Chemo. Only one more to go though. That thought keeps me going. 1 month from now that stage of my life shall be over and I cant wait.........

Nice warm Saturday

What a nice day, the weathers really warm, last night was too. We stayed out in the shed till 9.30 and it was still a very balmy night. I think one of the warmest so far this year.  Keirans here and bust mowing the lawn. After lunch he wants to cut our hedge which I agree needs cutting, but as its only me to help I,m not sure its such a good idea. I shall try and talk him out of it. Just been admiring my new Winter hat that I got from Brigg market the other day. Its all furry and Russian looking, it will keep my baldy napper nich and toasty when the weather changes. The nice man I bought if from also let me have a little lilac beanie hat for £1 because he felt sorry for me. Hadnt thought about exploiting my situation and am now seeing a missed opportunity.  So sitting here trying to decide if I need anything and how best to succeed in exploitation. Actually I,m only joking. The last thing I want is someone showing me pity couldnt stand that. 
The other day I posted a comment on a facebook site called ' Cancer Sucks' and the response has been hilarious. Typical Americans, all saying they will pray for me and one advising a visit to www. thewatchtower.com ha! cant wait to email back to break the news that any spiritual support I need comes from either the Buddist or Hindu tradition. What is it with Americans they are so over the top. Anyhow not going to look at that page anymore as its full of poeple saying the cancers come back or someone is dying from Chemo - gloom gloom. I suppose if you have lived through this hell the last thing you are going to do is bother to post good news on a cancer site. No you run a mile from it and get on with your life. If however you find yourself back in it the mire you look for support from others in the same situation. I have to consider this with my website as the last thing I want is for it to be miserable.......

Out and About

Had a great day yesterday getting out and about in my car. Went to Brigg, then to Grimsby and ended up in the shop. Saw a few of my nice customers and caught up a bit on the gossip. It felt really good to be normal again. Bit knackered when I eventually got home but it was a nice knackered. Hopefully I shall have a good couple of weeks before the 15th. It means I can get a few things done that need doing but I run out of time.

Having lunch with Michelle today- which I,m looking forward too, then Keirans over tomorrow, so can catch up with him. Hopefully catch up with Collette next week. Feel I havnt seen my friends for so long , it will be good to meet up with them all. I do hope to arrange an 'end of treatment' party at some point, so we can all get together again.  Hopefully we shall have something to celebrate.

I,m Out

Ok one week to the day and I'm going out !!! Cant say I'm 100% but feel I have enough energy to drive over to Brigg.  It will do me good. Glad to say no other nasty symptoms have appeared, just mind numbing fatigue. Oh how I hate that word. I only use it cos thats the medical description. FATIGUE even the word itself is unattractive ( I think its the FAT in it). Anyhow I reckon 1 full week of Fatigue is quite enough for this round. I shall take it easy and take my time, but I am going out there. Even the thought of freedom makes me Fatigued !!

Got a lunch date tomorrow, then Keirans over on Saturday so got to pull myself together. You wouldnt think it would be sooo bloody hard. Anyhow got my sense of humour back which is also a good sign. I have to say here and now that if this bugger comes back there is no way I am doing Chemo ever again. I think once is enough for anybody. I,m not complaining because hopefully this has saved my life BUT not again. My body feels bloated, baggy, dry, knackered, hairless( which is mostly a plus) heavy, fat and old!! I have no idea how I am to get any level of fitness back. I shall need double doses of Botox plus umteen fillers to fill the dry lines that have planted themselves on my face. Anyhow thats for the future, just now I have to get my arse into gear and put some slap on and head out into the big old world ............