Sunday, 21 October 2012

All Clear

God its been ages since my last blog, but I havnt really had much to write about, until now.
When I saw my Oncologist I asked if I could have a CT scan as I havnt had one since my diagnosis, so one was arranged and I had it a week ago. It was not easy because of my unco-operative veins but eventually after a lot of faffing around the scan was done. Then comes the wait, part of you is happy that you dont have the results yet, the other part is going crazy. Eventually I found out by phoning Barbara my breast nurse and she told me that apart from a small cyst in my kidney ( which apparently a lot of us have) I'm clear of Cancer! What a shock, cant tell you how I felt, I dont know what I expected to hear but that was totally mind blowing.  I AM FREE OF CANCER, if I say it enough I will believe it. Its the exact opposite of when I got my diagnosis as then I had to keep saying I HAVE GOT CANCER, to make myself believe that. What a mind fuck ! Such a journey ! Such good news- but I dont know what to do with it !  Its like the diagnosis I can tell everyone and receive their love and support, but no - one can tell me how I feel. Even I dont know how I feel, its bizarre! 
Of course its not the end of it, I have not received the all clear, but its a battle I have won even if the war is still on. And it could have been so different, right?
So what to do now? Well we are off to Thailand in a couple of weeks, so busy getting things arranged for that. We have decided to have our Christmas lunch out, so have booked that. But what about a big thing?  Surely there should be some sort of momentous decision or some huge thing to mark the occasion?
I am going to have a little ceremony of gratitude, probably in Thailand, somewhere beautiful. I guess on the beach as we did in Bali when I said goodbye to the big C. I dont know what or how it will be I guess that will come. But a ceremony is in order to say a huge big grateful thanks to the Universe for getting me this far. But for now ' thankyou who/ whatever you are, I couldnt have done it without you' XXXXX

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