A plan

Madame Butterfly was lovely- such a sad story. Poor girl horribly taken advantage of and killing herself because she has been disowned and dishonoured at 18. How often does that happen now still??

Had a lovely walk on the beach yesterday with Keiron and Graham, it was so still and mild. I am so glad that I can at last go for a decent walk and enjoy it, it was one of the things I really missed being able to do. It makes me feel normal again.

 Michelle came with me to the hospital this morning and we had a good time together chatting about all sorts ( as you do) and we ended up doing a meditation, its always nice to share that with someone.

I am thinking of going back to Nepal in Feb next year. Oh I know about the insurance stuff and everything. But this all started in Nepal and as before I feel I have unfinished business there. Ideally this time we would like to be there for Losa, Tibetian New Year. Which we just missed last year. I also want to visit a Bon monestry in Northern India - Menri where Chongtul Rinpoche comes from. And a school for nuns run by a Nepalese nun outside Kathmandu. As well as revisiting Lumbini and Pokahara and spending more time there. So Universe willing we will get there.  I really do hope I can make it ....

1st week in the bag

Well thats it !! First week completed. Feeling fine so far ( fingers crossed).
All those familiar with the Mayan prophecies will be aware that of the 10ths full moon the countdown to 21/12 begins. So at 11.11am on 11/11/11 I had a meditation, along with a load of other lightworkers. I sent love and universal energy to our planet and to all sentient beings, and to myself. It felt really good to do that.

And now I,m off to lunch with Michelle. We,re off to Tealby, first to do a bit of RT ( retail therapy) and then to the pub for a really nice meal. Tomorrow evening I,m off to Madame Butterfly and out on Sunday for lunch with Keiron and Graham. So a lovely few days ahead. I hope you all have the same...

Pandora's Box

Just back from my third radiotherapy session, all ok still. Only thing is they have moved me onto a different machine as they say it means I wont have to wait too long. Thats not a problem except they have changed my times. Whereas before they were all 9.30 ( easy to remember) now for the next few days they are all over the place and then after that they are all at 9.20!!! Like tomorrow its 10.20, Fri 9.40 and next Tuesday its 8.30 !! Bloody Hell Dennis shall have his work cut out on that day, he'l have to push me out of bed !!

Did a stupid thing on Monday. I decide to google triple negative breast cancer. OMG why did I do that? So far I have managed to avoid scaring myself. Now I have found out that TNC has the most incidences of secondaries of all the cancers, and that they usually occur within 3 years, and it likes brain, liver and bone. On a good note, if you manage to be clear for 5 years the risk of secondaries drops to below that of other breast cancers. Such a stupid thing to do. I promised myself I wouldnt look but its too late now, I have opened Pandora's box and let the demons out. So now I have decided there is deffinatley no way I,m wasting time having reconstructive surgery next year. No sir. And I have to live with my new found knowledge.

This morning during radiotherapy I decided that each time I am zapped I am visualising killing the bastard. I am seeing it as a black slimy mess of little seeds and the radiowave just knocks it out completely, leaving lovely new pink cells. It makes me feel as though I am contributing something and makes me feel better anyway!!

Been a difficult week away as Dens van has blown up and is in the garage. This means that as soon as I get home he has to take my car.  And next doors feral tomcat attacked Polly yesterday and has hurt her foot, so I have to wait for Den to get back so I can take her to the Vets.  Hopefully the van will get fixed soon. Just life, but on top of everything else its a bugger!

On a very happy note I am pleased to announce that my eyelashes have re-appearred. Hurray, this means I can soon coat them with mascara and shall at last feel dressed when I leave the house ....

First Radiotherapy ( 14 to go)

So far so good for radiotherapy. We got there early and had a cup of coffee in the cafe. The radiotherapy staff were lovely. Only problem was that my machine was one of two that packed up this morning, so everyone was having to be moved onto the other four machines. That said I was only about 45 minutes late getting started. My first session took 23 minutes as they had to take some pictures and get my position right. I have to lay on my back on something that looks like a spine board then put my arms over my head and rest them in some cup things that take the weight, turn my face to the left and stay very still. I am very good at staying still so there were no problems.  ( I used the time to meditate) The bed and/ or the machine moves around/ over you, you dont feel a thing. Of course its possible that halfway through the treatments I shall start to feel tender and sore, and maybe tired as my body starts to concentrate on healing the areas that have been burnt. But for now its ok. The hospital is really clean and modern  and I have no complaints on my first visit.

I shall take some rest this afternoon as I have an evening with Sue tonite ( with wine) and have to be up again tomorrow morning for my second dose. I do intend to be careful and as ever listen to my body and do what it tells me. However compared to Chemo this is much more pleasant.

I have retreated from my shed today as the weather is damp and miserable, but yesterday afternoon it was so warm in there I had to have the door open. What a change!

Last hurdle

Well, Halloween and Bonfire night has passed. I always feel that at this point in the year Christmas is just around the corner. And the weather is so mild, long may it last !

Recieved another quote for my kitchen and have decided to go ahead- plan for a future ! Am having to decide this week on tiles and worktops etc so this will keep me busy through my first week of Radiotherapy. Its going to be quite a challenge to get up and into Hull every morning for 3 weeks ( I dont usually get up until 9am, sometimes a bit later) by 9.30. As its my first one tomorrow I have to be there for 9am, but Dennis is coming with me so I will be on time for that one.  I am hoping that all goes well with this and that I dont get too much skin damage, or get the dreaded fatigue back, but alas I shant know this until I get going with it.

Thankfully last evening my big toe nail fell off at last. Whats the big deal I hear you say. Its been disgusting for about 3 months all black and nasty. Its such a relief, although a bit late as its now boot and sock time so it wouldnt have mattered so much. My finger nails on the other hand are a complete mess, one of my thumbs is half black and the others are all coming away halfway down the nail. So I think they will also fall off !! I look like an alien. But I am alive so I am grateful for that.

Sadly on the news yesterday was the story of a six year old boy. He was diagnosed with a brain tumour in 2009. They operated and he had chemo and radiotherapy. He got two all clears on his scans and then the cancer came back and there was nothing they could do. He died last March, wheres the sense it that ?. This is now how I have to live, with a cloud over my head. Even an all clear scan does not mean IT wont come back. I am really trying not to become a bore over this, but it is somthing I have to come to terms with . I am hoping that once radiotherapy is finished, and Christmas, I shall be able to get on with my life. I dont yet know however what thatis going to be. I have several thoughts but nothing specific. My customers keep asking Dennis when I will be back, but it cant be in the shop as I have a new sunbed in my room. It cant be at my house because I dont think people will travel that far. I dont want it to be full time because I want to do more Reiki teaching and 'Love Heals' and get qualified to teach meditation. But then where I am going to do that?......

Bodies on its way back to me

Had a good treatment at the Odyssey center, reflexology which helped my aching feet. Its amazing how your body quickly gets out of condition. My feet are really suffering at the moment, having gone from not being able to do much to walking fast for an hour. Anyhow not complaining, its really nice to start feeling your body is a little more under your control. Honestly its hard to describe how the chemo has such a huge effect - especially towards the end. Not just physically but emotionally,mentally, and spiritually. It completely takes over. Now I feel I am getting ' Bronia' back at last. I am not a ' fade', just me. Warts and all.!

Next step is radiotherapy which starts on Monday. I have to be in Hull for 9.30 every day Monday to Friday for 3 weeks. Then that's it, all over as far as treatment is concerned. Then the waiting starts, to find out if all this misery has been worth it. And I think that is going to be the hardest part of all. A complete mind fuck every time I feel a little unwell or find a swelling.  What can you do? You have to just get over it and make the most of every day, which I fully intend to do. Have started having a bit of a clear out and am going to continue through the house until I have finished, hopefully before Monday.

On a happier note my hair is continuing to sprout through, although its really a baby fuzz. I look really funny, but am happy its on its way as it really does make your head feel cold without it. Still no sign of eyelashes though but hell you cant have everything!!

Holidays

Well thats it for now. Had a great time in Gran Canaria. Weather was 29 degrees most of the time. The hotel was brilliant. Food was delicious. AND I got Cava everyday with breakfast!! What can I say?

On a serious note I did spend time swimming and walking. We walked for at least 1 hour per day. It has helped me feel soo much better. Stronger and fitter despite all the food ( and drink). It was just what we both needed, though I have to say my baldy napper caused some attention around the pool. Kids being kids were all totally fascinated and made no attempts to hide their curiousity- good for them.

However that wont happen again because all that sunshine has given me a fuzz of hair growth, its bizarre. Its all coming through at different speeds, and I think its going to be gray. Now I'm cool about that as long as its gray all over and not all stripy. I would like white as I would enjoy using pinks and blues and purples to colour it. But anyhow I shall just have to wait and see. Whatever comes through I have to put up with it for 6 months- apparently you are not supposed to use dyes. I do wonder if henna is OK. I shall try and find out. The really annoying thing is my legs have grown hairs too. Now that means I have to start shaving, damn it. You see its true- for every up theres a down.   And NO sign of my eyelashes returning. I dont care about the hair, I really want my eyelashes back. Typical isnt it ??